<p>My daughter has always been very independent and ran the whole college application process herself, except for the financial part. We’re paying, so we handled that. However, I don’t think for one minute that just because a kid turns 18, he or she is no longer in need of guidance. I believe it’s my job as a mother to continue to provide counsel and influence for as long as I can. My children can decide for themselves whether to follow my advice.</p>
<p>DD will be going to school in August. She will be 3 minutes away. I am so looking forward to not doing what I’ve been doing the past 3 3/4 years. Will I miss the craziness? The hours of traveling, waiting, researching? Yes! Absolutely! But I will know that I did everything possible to help her to get where she is. So many parents don’t help out and their children end up not realizing their full potential. This thing called college admissions is a crazy game & someone has to be watching out for the kids who are too young and unsavvy to play it!</p>
<p>My folks paid for me to go to college–but it was back in the dark ages when going to college was affordable for working class folks. Other than paying for me, my folks did nothing else–they weren’t involved in any of my decisions. In fact, the only time they set foot on campus was when I graduated.</p>
<p>H and I could afford to pay for our kids–and that’s what we did. Why not? It’s an investment in their future. I don’t mind spending on education–I value it and felt like it was a wonderful gift for my kids. They haven’t shown signs of taking this help for granted or acting like they are entitled. They are productive adults who are successfully employed. </p>
<p>I, too, liked OldFort’s rocket metaphor–sums up my views as well.</p>
<p>@massmom </p>
<p>I agree! I’m almost 46 and my mom still butts in! I hope that I’m not like my mom! Lol there’s something to be said for letting kids fly on their own…and making their own decisions. </p>
<p>I had little help or guidance from my parents. They did not take me on any school visits. I went with my friend on one, and drove myself to a U across town for a visit. They did not help pay (even though they could have afforded to) so it took me extra time to graduate while working. I realized later in life that I chose a totally wrong course of study, which I chose to make enough money to pay off my loans. While I liked school, I hated working in my chosen career. I could have used more help from my parents. </p>
<p>Where kids are most independent varies from family to family. We only ever see snapshots of other families lives. You can look at a kid whose parents seem really hands on with homework and think “gosh, they are babying their kids.” Then, you could go to their house and discover that the kids have 3 times as many chores as your own including caring for livestock and they do it 100 percent on their own. Everyone has areas where they are more independent than others.</p>
<p>D and I have been a team when it comes to college. I did most of the research because I’m a part-time working mom with two self-sufficient teenagers who simply has more time to do it. I filled out the financials because again, I had time and I had the info. D is in school 25 hours a week. She generally has another 15 hours in homework. She devotes at least 20 hours a week to internship, work and EC’s. That’s a 60+ hour work week when it comes down to it… 60 hours for which I don’t do much more than sign permission slips and share the car. That’s more than deserving of a hand in my book. D chose which schools to apply to. She did her own applications and handles all communication with school. I don’t feel bad at all for helping with the research and financials.</p>
<p>I don’t do everything on my own even as an adult. Could I if I HAD to? Sure. But I have a husband and a family and good friends. We help each other out. When one person is over-worked, the others step in ease their burden and vice-versa. It makes life so much more enjoyable!</p>
<p>@turtletime </p>
<p>No we shouldn’t feel bad! Many students have high priced college counselors helping them with researching colleges, other families aid their children by paying tons of money for SAT prep. Many kids go to very expensive exclusive prep schools, where all the work is done for the family. I don’t have the $$$ for life’s accoutrement, so I make up for it in other areas. Every kid gets it, in one form or another. I think it behooves us to do whatever we can to help our kids. </p>
<p>" $62000 a year seems excessive… Is the cost of attending a private institution that high now?" - Yes, for some schools (especially with travel expenses). </p>
<p>Stanford (I assume at or near the top end) is showing $62.800 for next year… w/o travel <a href=“Financial Aid : Stanford University”>Financial Aid : Stanford University;
<p>Dartmouth is actually more. $63,530 or $65,530. </p>
<p>Why do I do things for my kids? Everyone else is doing it.
Also, I want to enable my kids to be lazy, dependent, and incompetent.
And to prevent them from making some of the same kinds of mistakes that H and I made at their age–partly because our ultra-hands-off parents didn’t help us.</p>
<p>My parents make themself an obstacle for me. They constantly try to control every single decision made in my life and every thing I want to do I have to prove myself for weeks before I can get apporval. Its just instant doubt and that’s the reason I don’t like to be around them. Just a negative and controlling atmosphere.</p>
<p>Truthfully, I don’t understand it either. I mean if YOU go to college how could your parents really put there hands around your throat and say NO! The money you are spending must go to THIS! I mean C’MON!? Parents like this just confuse the crap out of me. </p>
<p>I helped my kid out more than I sometimes felt comfortable with. But I will say she was far busier these last few years than I ever remember being in High School and I worked 30 hours per week.She is a nationally ranked athlete in a year round sport that requires long distance travel (ie. we get on a plane) . She is in a very time consuming drama program. And she is trying to manage a full college prep load. She needed some help and has been grateful to get it. She has friends who’s parents took a completely hands off approach who ended up asking me for help. The world is very different than it was when I applied to college.</p>
<p>Because some kids need the help…and ask for help…and appreciate the help…and eventually become quite wonderfully independent because of the help. :-)</p>
<p>At times I wondered if I might be helping too much, but the very interesting outcome is that my kids were far more independent in college and afterward than the kids of the previously more hands-off parents. I never had to “march” myself down to the college registrar’s office or call the dean; or take supplies to my college kid every other weekend because s/he never learned to take public transportation so s/he could get to a store; or make their doctor’s or hair cut appointments; or choose their classes so they don’t miss the registration deadline, or write their college papers for them, etc. Seriously, I have friends who do stuff like drive an hour to campus to take their kids something silly like shampoo or decongestant. And I know people who do some of their kids college work. It’s ridiculous. They would have been better off helping them with homework in middle school or even high school, than doing that. </p>
<p>I think either you put the work in earlier, helping your kids and teaching them to navigate the world and its bureaucracies, or you end up having to do it later. Or perhaps you never do anything and they fail to thrive. </p>
<p>To answer the original question, H and I took S on the initial visits to the schools and H filled out the FAFSA (although we knew we do not qualify for need based FA). Other than that, S handled the entire process by himself. He set up his own accounts, handled sending transcripts and getting references, set up his interviews, revisited 2 schools (alone), etc. I have yet to see his common app or his essays. </p>
<p>This is very different than many others’ experience. It was not that we would not have helped him more it is that he felt he was perfectly capable of doing this and wanted to. He had the benefit of having an older sibling go through this process, and has an excellent GC at his magnet school (which sends 100% to college, mostly highly selective schools). </p>
<p>Every student/family is different and there is no right or wrong way. This approach worked for us and he will happily attend one of his top choices this fall.</p>
<p>The question for me is why WOULDN’T a parent help their kid? Isn’t that what families do? I am 50 and my mother still helps me in immeasurable ways and I of course return the favor. Because a parent is highly involved in the college application process does not mean that the child is incompetent or lazy. Many parents want to be involved in their children’s lives even through adulthood, and many children are happy to have the involvement.</p>
<p>@TheGFG, the last line of your post…I completely agree.</p>
<p>@FallGirl, your student having an excellent GC speaks to the quality of his school. He also had other students going to highly selective schools so the examples of how he should carry himself throughout the college process were all around. </p>
<p>Sad story, when DD was a freshman, there was a young lady at her school who was a senior. In a conversation about college admissions, I asked what her class rank was, she gave me a very perplexed look and asked “what’s that?” </p>
<p>How did this young woman make it so far without knowing what this vital piece of information is? I now see her working at the local grocery store bagging groceries. </p>
<p>It’s funny b/c OP is just a college student and hasn’t had children. So of course she will have certain ideas about how we parent our kids, especially based on how her parents dealt with her college process…once you become a parent of an ultra busy kid with a job and all of the craziness that HS brings, the tune changes. Either they get the help that they need from us and flourish, or we let them drown under all the pressure, are overwhelmed & fail. I myself was not willing to let my daughter fail. Especially not because others say that I’m doing too much.</p>
<p>I agree with you, planner03. </p>
<p>I helped because I could and my kids were grateful. I know that time with my kids is fleeting and I want to savor it. </p>
<p>Life is short. When OP is 55, she’ll understand. :)</p>
<p>As I wrote on a different thread, I think that all the media attention to helicoptering has produced a bit of a PC correction toward the opposite in public opinion. At least as far as what moms say publicly where I live, they pride themselves on not knowing much about their kids’ lives. It’s a badge of honor for them to admit they have no idea what classes their high schooler is taking, who his teachers are, how much homework he has, or any details about his EC’s. They wear this lack of involvement and knowledge as a badge of honor, believing it means they “have a life”, and aren’t trying to live vicariously through their kids. But to me it seems odd than by April you have never had a conversation or more with your kid in which the child mentioned the name of his math teacher, or that you didn’t go to fall open house or any parent-teacher conferences such that you would have met him yourself. Even if the child is doing well and you don’t need to be involved, wouldn’t your kid ever have made a casual comment like, “Mr. Roberts wore a bright orange shirt to school day,” or something like that? Regardless, I know there are good reasons parents may not know details like that, but the current accepted attitude is that being hands-off as a parent means you are a more evolved person, and your kid clearly is so much smarter and more self-sufficient than the child of the more helicoptering parent. It’s irritating. </p>
<p>We live in a rural area so my kids have been driving tractors, using power tools, caring for and burying animals, gardening, cooking, doing their own laundry and learning all those skills that are necessary to care for a piece of property. They’re very resourceful. What they lack is time. </p>
<p>I did the initial college research, based on parameters set by Spygirl. She contacted the colleges and completed her applications & essay. I handled the travel since my schedule is flexible and I have the credit card. </p>
<p>It’s not about being a helicopter parent it’s about supporting family.</p>