Parents Won't Stop Talking About College, Please Help

Parents Forum
1

Hi, parents, I am in DESPERATE need for some advice.

I’m currently a junior, but my mom is already off the walls talking about something that is still one year away–I just want to finish this school year, and she’s already talking about personal essays and the FAFSA and things like that. I’m homeschooled, so she’s also freaking out about doing my transcript and school profile and course descriptions; I understand that she’s anxious, because she’s responsible for my schooling, but it’s only making ME more anxious. She has a way of talking like time is running out, constantly, and she only wants to talk about college things. If I bring up a new subject, she’ll go blank and go on her phone, only replying, “Mmhmm,” until I stop, and then she’ll look back up and launch into a new college-related subject. If she sees me doing something that’s not schoolwork (my computer is in the living room, so she can see everything, and I’m not allowed in my bedroom unless I’m going to sleep), then she’ll just ask, “What are you doing?” in that tone that just tells me I shouldn’t be doing it. I feel like I have to be constantly doing schoolwork, and I even feel guilty asking to go to the movies or something. For example, a friend and I want to go to see Black Panther, and since it’s been about four months since I’ve gone to the movies, I thought she would be okay with it, but she just “switched off” and wouldn’t respond to me. My mom hates conflict as much as I do, so we’re at a stalemate here. She doesn’t want to say yes, but she won’t say no either. Then, she’s constantly saying that I’m not trying hard enough in school (because my grades aren’t perfect As), but I’m still pretty proud of myself for not getting a grade below an A since freshmen year and bringing up my SAT score from a 1280 to a 1510. And my dad just says I’m flat-out lazy, that if I would only push myself, I could get perfect grades and test scores; he’s always asking about what I’m doing to get better in school, and sometimes I just don’t want to talk about school. The one thing I like about myself is that I’m a hard worker, so the fact that my parents think I’m not really hurts my feelings, as immature as that sounds. My mom won’t stop talking about college, and my dad won’t stop comparing me to the kids of his friends, and now I feel like I can’t talk to them about anything.

So, here is my question: how do I tell my parents this? They’re easily defensive, and the last time I tried to, it didn’t go over well. They said I was a slacker, and asked me if I even cared about my future. I know they just want the best for me, but they’re going about it really badly.

2

She is 100% right about starting those things now. It isn’t a year away. Applications for most schools open in 5-6 months. You need your testing done, colleges to apply to selected, essays ready, transcript ready, letters of rec requested, etc. to apply to colleges. Home schooled students need to show strong test scores, too, since your grades aren’t earned in a competitive environment. Good test scores and early applications can save you (and your parents) tens of thousands of dollars in college expenses. You are lucky they are helping you and care about this. Lots of students get little support from their parents in the process.

3

We kept “college talk” and app work for Sundays. So, as parents, we kept quiet throughout the week but had designated time on Sundays to talk about college choices, plan visits, work on essays, etc. Perhaps you could suggest something similar. “Mom/dad, I will give you my entire Sunday if I can have my week.”

4

See if your mom will pick one hour a week to discuss college…and then stick to that one hour only.

It’s not too early to start getting some ideas. You will be sending applications in about 6 months. The FAFSA will be available for completion in…6 months.

Six months is going to zip right by.

If you wait until the start of your senior year to start this conversation…you will really be cramming a LOT into a short period of time.

5

The best thing we did with our first child is to assign “college talk” days and earnestly stick to it. I wrote down anything I learned or questions I had and on college day, we sat down and discussed them. It kept every day from being about college.

Your mom is right that you should be building your list and deciding what “kind” of college you would like. That said, sharing your anxiety and asking if maybe as a family you could assign two days a week to devote to college app preparedness to spare all from college coming up every ten minutes.

6

I can’t speak to what is going on with your dad, but I see a lot of the dynamic between me and my son in what you are describing about you and your mom. I did tend to hyper focus on college, but I was at my worst when I felt like my son wasn’t tuned in about all the things that needed to get done as part of his college applications. I think you should tell your mom that you will focus on the college stuff, but that you need some balance because you also want to enjoy the rest of your time in high school. Then show her you have your eye on the ball by expressing some preferences about colleges, by letting her know when you have talked to your guidance counselor, and by otherwise taking an active role in the application process. Time goes a lot faster for adults, so your mom is probably stressed about everything there is to do by specified deadlines. Don’t wait for her to nag you about setting up a Common App account or about your essays or other decisions that have to be made. Keep her aware of the progress you are making and she may back off a little if she feels comfortable that you are on top of things. Good luck!

7

One hour a week isn’t going to cover standardized test prep, though. I think you need to add a couple hours a week for that, too. Sunday afternoons were a good time for us, too.

8

Hold up everyone! She doesn’t need anymore standardized test prep. She already got a 1510! That is plenty. @HopeTsai I seriously wish I could come over and give you a hug. If you haven’t gotten a single grade below A since freshmen year, I don’t know what more your parents can ask? How do you do better than A?

Would it be possible to put your feelings in writing and give them a letter? Sometimes, people can read what they can’t hear. It also might be that you just have to grin and bear it. College application season doesn’t last forever and then you will never have to do it again. My D1 and I definitely had some tension during this time, although for different reasons.

Personally, I understand a bit of how your mom is feeling. It is stressful for a parent as this momentous event starts to loom. You want the best for your child and the process can be completely overwhelming for us as well as for you! One of the reasons I am on this website so much is so that I can indulge my stress and obsession here and not vent it on my D2! I also have to constantly fight the urge to say, “don’t go out to the movies…I know you have an essay to finish!” Finding the perfect balence is no easy task. So, yes, try to find a way to talk to your parents. But, if nothing changes, take heart that this will pass and once its over, the relationship will recover!

9

With a 1510 SAT, test preparation is probably not much of a concern.

They are right that it is better to start the college planning early, though some people seem to act like everything is a panic that must be done yesterday, rather than calmly setting up a schedule to work with. Seems like your parents may be that way, which is not doing you or them any good.

Their top priority job now is to ensure that they have the college money financial plan in place, and tell you want the price limit is.

10

And just adding…if finances are a consideration…it’s definitely NOT too early to start this conversation.

Make sure you are clear on the college budget. Run the net price calculators on the college websites. Make a list of the characteristics you want in a college.

Be open minded…

Do NOT get into the one dream school mode. Find a lot of places where your dreams can be fulfilled.

Since you have a great SAT score…look at what your state has to offer.

If you devote an hour a week…maybe each week, you can do one thing. Once you have identified your characteristics…maybe look at one website of your choice a week. And one of your parents’.

At some point probably look at the essay prompts on the common application…and start a word document with notes. Eventually you will be able to create your essays.

You will probably need more than an hour a week at some point…but for now…to get started…do that.

11

Background - I homeschooled my 4 children preK - 12th grade. So I understand where your mom is coming from.

In truth, you don’t have as much time to prepare for college apps as you may think. Junior year is the ideal time to start making a list of colleges that you want to consider and then go visit them now. You’ll ideally want to have all your college apps completed by Nov of your senior year. Colleges have more money to offer in scholarships earlier in the process. If you wait until after Jan, there is often less scholarship money available. Also, the sooner your apps are done, the sooner you can just enjoy your senior year.

Aside from bringing up your SAT scores, what are you doing to prepare for college? Are you giving serious thought to what colleges to apply to? Learning about the various majors available to pursue? Learning about the application process in general?

12

@bookreader

Doesn’t this student have a 1510 SAT? Does he really need to retake?

13

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your advice!

I do realize that the time is going to zip by in a flash, but I think my definition of “a long time away” is very different compared to that of my parents–I didn’t realize that. Right now, I take all my courses online via a local school district’s online program (Pearson Connexus), so I’m not getting “mommy grades,” and all of my classes will either be verified through SAT Subject Tests, AP exams, or dual-enrollment. I’ve already talked to a few of my teachers about recommendation letters, I’ve had a college list since the beginning of this school year, and I drafted a beginning copy of my transcript to ease the load for my mom. Regarding my college list…my mom doesn’t like the colleges I like (she wants me to aim higher), and she doesn’t seem inclined to visit colleges even though I have asked to, so I don’t know what to do on that front.

I already know that I want to major in computer science (and, yes, I know that may change), so I’ve been looking at colleges with good computer science programs; I like writing and learning more about myself, so I de-stress by writing responses to personal essay questions from the Common App; my mom has been sending me Ivy League essays since I was in about ninth grade, so I’m not wholly ignorant on what the Common App is.

At the moment, my parents would love a 1560+ on the SAT and A+ in my classes; I just had a talk with my mom and we agreed that I would take the SAT again. I don’t mind, it’s just that it seems they lose interest in me as soon as I start talking about something other than school or college. Anyways, thanks for your input! It’s really easy to start thinking along the lines of “I’m the protagonist of this world” and to not think from another perspective, so this was a wake-up call. :slight_smile:

14

Did your parents attend university in another country where admission is entirely based on one standardized test, and where university ranking is highly important for getting jobs after graduation?

What schools are you interested in, and what do they want you to apply to? Would attending a school that is an admission safety be acceptable to them?

15

@HopeTsai You seem like an incredibly centered, intelligent and mature person. You will do well, wherever you go. Many families post here about having conflicts between the colleges the parents want and those that the kids want. One solution that seems workable is to let each put a few on the list as long as they are all affordable. Perhaps, see if your parents will consider the places you like and you will agree to apply to a few Ivies. Just make sure that you have some true safeties – colleges that you know will accept you and that you can afford and are willing to attend.

16

@thumper1 When I wrote: “Aside from bringing up your SAT scores, what are you doing to prepare for college?”
I was trying to say that I recognized that HopeTsai had already brought up the SAT scores and so I was asking what else was HopeTsai doing regarding college preparations. I wasn’t implying that more SAT work was needed.

@HopeTsai - sounds like you are doing all the right things to prepare for the next chapter in your life.

17

You sound like a wonderful child every parent would be lucky to have. Honestly, your parents sound extremely controlling. I’m sorry, but your father comparing you negatively to other kids is just plain wrong. If you weren’t such a good kid they could easily be alienating you and driving you out of their lives. Instead, you are trying to find ways to work with them. And I cringe at all the advice you’re getting from other tiger parents here backing them up. My mother once told me, you owe your parents a lot, but you don’t owe them your life. Try to find another adult you trust to help you sort this out, and to just vent. Protect your own mental health. I’ve never thought home schooling was a great option because you don’t have access to all the resources a high school typically provides. Maybe you could try to make an appointment with a guidance counselor at a local high school to help you select a range of colleges to apply to and provide you a realistic time line for this process. But I have to agree, at this point you only have 6-7 months before early application rounds begin so you need to start selecting schools. If your parents wont take you on college visits, see if you can tag along with friends who might be going. Once you’re in college, you will be able to set some boundaries with your parents to protect yourself. On campus mental health services will be able to help you.

18

@ucbalumnus Oh hey, they did! They came to the US for grad school and ultimately stayed here, but they went to college in their hometown and that one test was their only ticket in. So far, I’ve been interested in University of Michigan, Boston University, Barnard College, and Carnegie Mellon (with Michigan State and others in my state as safeties), and my parents were thinking more along the lines of University of Southern California, Columbia, and Stanford. They want me to go to a college that will challenge myself and build my self esteem, so while they encourage me to apply to safeties, I don’t think they would want me to actually attend one.

@gallentjill Thank you! And yes, I will keep that in mind. :slight_smile:

19

Can they pay for those schools? Or do you have financial need? Not a lot of merit money in that list.

20

Carnegie Mellon is one of the very top schools in computer science, and UMich is amazing too. I don’t know why they would prefer USC or even Columbia.
I actually find myself increasingly worried about my son’s college plans as the junior year goes by, but I try not to talk about this all the time. Maybe I just shouldn’t hang out on CC too much. Looks like your only chance is to be proactive and take charge of your college application without postponing it until the end of the year.