US college admissions is very different from other countries. What is considered desirable in other countries (eg taking the SAT multiple times until you get a perfect score) can be a red flag to US college admissions officers. Barnard specifically advised against taking it more than twice at their info session. The essay is a very important part of the application and as a parent who hadn’t gone to college in the US, I had no idea what the essay should look like. I really wish that I had hired a college admissions service for my Chinese-American daughter. I didn’t make the same mistake for her brother and hired the best I could find. He just got admitted to an Ivy for grad school.
Also re Barnard: I highly recommend applying to Barnard Bound. The application isn’t open yet for this fall. https://admissions.barnard.edu/barnard-bound I also highly recommend applying ED if it’s your first choice. The acceptance rate for ED is significantly higher than for RD.
Just want to say I am sorry you are dealing with this family dynamic and wonder if you and your parents might meet with a counselor to sort of establish a better foundation for the year to come. You sound mature and perhaps they could be encouraged to trust your judgment more.
I will definitely be putting my plans into documents so they’ll be more at ease–since they’re immigrants and have no idea how this whole process works, we’re all a bit anxious. My mom has said that we will definitely be getting a college admissions counselor soon, maybe right after AP testing, so we will have some outside input. In addition, I’ll ask if we could keep the college talk to specific times, so we can talk about other things.
@thumper1 The people around me go to places like Wayne University, Michigan State, and Oakland University; my parents want me to try getting into schools with a less than 50% acceptance rate, and they want me to get out there instead of staying at home.
MSU has an over 50% acceptance rate but a large part of that is self-selection among in-state schools. The people I knew in high school knew if they were U of M, MSU, or EMU/WMU (among others) material and applied accordingly.
But you’ll have plenty of top students there. I came out of high school with a 3.7(ish?) GPA and 33 ACT and never felt like I was by far the smartest person in the room. This is especially true if you’re in the honors college or take honors classes.
I’m someone who chose MSU over U of M as an undergrad… and have now spent several years at U of M as a grad student. I can speak to experiences at both and still have zero regrets about choosing MSU.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Your parents seem to view you as a project, rather than as a person. I think you do need family therapy, but if they don’t want to go, just know that once you head off to college, your life will be your own.
Reading this thread is stressing me out and I’ve been finished with college for a while.
5-6 months is a long time, and as a homeschooled student you’ve got more flexibility than most. It also sounds like you have already started - you’ve identified some colleges you’re interested in; you’ve explored some majors already; you’ve got a great SAT score.
Why are you taking the SAT again? There is no meaningful difference between a 1510 and a 1560. Seriously. A 1510 is in the 99th percentile and so is a 1560. Once you get to that level of performance, any increases in score are going to be due almost as much to random chance as they are to any marginal improvements in skill. You’d be better off putting the test prep time you have into curating your college list or writing essays or continuing to participate in the extracurriculars you do.
That also means it’s impossible for you to have less than a 710 in any one section, which puts you comfortably in the middle 50% range at Carnegie Mellon, well over the average at BU, and well into the top 25% of Barnard’s and Michigan’s applicants. It also puts you at the top end of the middle 50% at Columbia, USC, and Stanford.
Given that, quite frankly I’m not sure what all the fuss and stress is about. You’ve got 8-10 months to…what, fill out an application and write a set of essays? That is plenty of time. You don’t have to hop into a high-gear, high-alert college admissions process. Frankly, that’s not really necessary for anyone at any point, but certainly not in this case. It sounds like you are about the point at which most normal high school juniors are - thinking about your major, putting together your list, polishing up your SAT scores.
With homeschooling who decides whether or not you get an A? Are your parents grading your research papers and giving you an ‘A’? How does that work exactly?
I would imagine that your dad is comparing you to the kids of his coworkers because they attend public or private school and he’s trying to figure out how your home schooling stacks up by comparison. Those are the kids that you’ll be competing against for the spots at colleges so it’s good for you to get a handle on what they are doing in school.
Your SAT is a phenomenal score, can’t see any trouble with that. Does your mom have to nag you to get things done sometimes? Maybe that’s why she’s starting to nag you about getting essays written, etc. Are the essay questions even out, yet, for the schools that you want to apply to?
“With homeschooling who decides whether or not you get an A? Are your parents grading your research papers and giving you an ‘A’? How does that work exactly?” @flmom26
I am not the OP but I do have a homeschooled high schooler. In some cases a parent may be following a standard rubric and grading. In some cases, a student may be working with a tutor or taking an outside class. Or possibly dual enrolled in a college. In some cases, a credit bearing homeschool class may be more student driven and project based. The vast majority of homeschoolers that will be applying to competitive have a ton of documentation and evidence of their process. I have a version of our transcript that is about 15 pages with every resource we used during high school. Plus my kid will have a dual enrolled transcript. Plus ACT/SAT test scores of course and in some cases SAT-2’s and/or AP tests. The test score and something like outside class GPA will be more important to entry than grades issued at home. I know people who don’t even put grades on their homeschool transcript. I only grade core classes - not electives. I just mark those Pass/Fail. It wouldn’t be unusual for a student testing above the 95% on the ACT or SAT to have close to a 4.0 regardless. This is off topic for this thread, but there is a long pinned post on this topic on the homeschool board for those who are truly interested.
Quick comment on Michigan State. I have a dear friend whose son in now a Sophmore there. He is an exceptional young man who was already TA’ing at an excellent state school in VA while still a homeschooled highschooler. MS has provided him with a full ride, excellent teaching opportunities while he is there, and continues to nominate him and support him in his quest for external grants and scholarships. They also accepted his dual enrollment credits, allowing him to truly enter as a Sophmore. His scholarship can be applied to Doctoral work, so he plans to stay and complete that, at what looks right now to be a complete free ride. He was accepted to amazing places, but couldn’t turn down this opportunity. Good luck. Parents are people, and not always perfect. I am sure that they just want what is best for you. You sound like an awesome young man.
Hi everyone, thanks for your feedback! I wanted to respond again and describe the dynamic in my family.
My mom doesn’t nag me to do things; I am entirely self-sufficient and able to complete tasks on my own–I’m homeschooled, and online classes require the student to be self-motivated; it’s the other way around. I always need to nag her to drive me or else I’ll be insanely late to everything (she’s always a few minutes out the door when I do nag), and I can’t drive myself because she won’t let me take driver’s ed. I applied to the Joyce Ivy Foundation (a scholarship for summer programs for girls in the Midwest) early this past school year, and I asked her to do the financial aid form and to provide the tax forms in December, or have me do it (just show me where everything is), and I kept on asking her about it at least twice a week since December. She only did it a few days ago; so, that was about three months of nothing. In fact, I missed a deadline for another program because she wouldn’t listen to me, and I had to email another college to plead for them to consider my scholarship application. Her only response was “I didn’t feel like doing it then,” and then she laughed and said, “Sorry” before returning to her phone. My main “problem” is that college is the only thing on her mind and she won’t talk about other things with me, and that she thinks I’m not motivated enough on my own. All she does is talk about essays and SAT scores and AP testing, and she always thinks that I’m not doing anything even when she is staring at my computer screen and can see my homework and such.
Sorry about that, I probably sound very cold and angry, but I’ve been fuming for the last few weeks about the whole financial aid thing.
Re: Grades
Right now, the only course I'm taking at home is Philosophy; the tests, homework, and textbook are all in a curriculum online, and she just grades things by the rubric she is given. All other courses are online and have accredited teachers.
And, um, yes, I am a girl! Maybe it’s my style of talking that lead to some confusion, but…yeah. The assumption that I’m a guy was really interesting though! If you would state your reasons why, I would love to hear them!
@HopeTsai – just curious-- why are you homeschooled? Is that your preference or your parents’ decision?
I’m asking because as I read through this thread, the part I find most concerning is the limit your parents have placed on your independence. They won’t let you take driver’s ed, apparently won’t let you get a job, and no money allowance (from your post #28) — so you are in no way being prepared to live independently at college. Since you say you are dependent on your parents to drive you places, that suggests either that you live in a place with limited public transportation or else that your parents don’t allow you to use whatever system you city has - so apparently no experience navigating public transit as well.
It just seems like your homeschool settting isn’t providing the opportunity to build important life skills, and that in turn may prove a challenge down the line when you go to college.
I don’t have a solution to offer - sorry - just an observation that I find concerning. Do you have any siblings?
Actually, I wanted to homeschool because I was scared to death of middle school; my mom wanted to homeschool because she wanted more time with us and to have more control over my education. I live in a suburban town in the Midwest, so everybody drives. And yeah, I agree–for example, at the moment, I’m not even allowed to cook for myself. I just have to sit down and eat every single meal my mom cooks, so I’ll have to learn how to cook once I get to college. I’ll also need to learn how to do my own laundry, how to drive, how to budget, how to wash the dishes, and all that jazz. I don’t think I’m prepared for life at all.
I could be your Mom…in fact, I was really thankful to see that your specifics were not my daughter’s. (I would like to think that I am reformed, but I do have to clap my hand over my own mouth sometimes!) It may help to consider this from her perspective, which might be “I have a super smart and responsible daughter that everyone is expecting great things from, and I am afraid that I don’t know what I am doing. I am used to being in control of everything in my family’s life, but this is new to me and I am SO STRESSED thinking that I should be managing it but don’t know how! I am also already beginning to grieve that I am losing her, and have caught myself making some “errors” that close doors for her because I am just not ready!!! I need some CONTROL!!!” If you consider this perspective and take the parts that are true, perhaps you can take some action steps. Ideas: Sit down with her and ask her how she feels about you going to college. LISTEN for clues on how you can have a more comfortable dynamic. She helps you manage your anxiety when needed, right? It’s time for you to help her manage hers as well. You are nearly a grown up, and have the power to acknowledge the fear/anxiety. One technique that I use with my kids or employees when they are anxious is to remind them of ways they have succeeded in the past, and how this relates to their new challenge. Perhaps you could say something like “Mom, I know you are worried that I am not progressing in this process, but you have taught me well. I have learned from you how to plan ahead, xxxxx (insert her strengths that relate) and I am already using those skills to master my academics and plan for the future.” Letting her choose a regular time weekly (or if she is really anxious, daily) where you will listen attentively without interruptions or rolling your eyes is CRITICAL. I used to keep post it pads all over the house so that I could jot down “college thoughts”. I would then feel a sense of calm, because I knew that I could stick them to the side of my computer for Sunday, and not forget my point. One dynamic that I have discovered in our house is that a kid gets annoyed because I am nagging, but because they do not give me their full attention or a response that indicates they actually heard me, What do I do? I say the same thing again or at the next opportunity. Somehow we developed a system between us where they will give me their undivided attention, listen to what I am telling them, and then will NOT give me the counterpoint. Instead, they say “Mmmm… good point Mom - I’ll give that some thought” or something like that. I’m pretty sure that my oldest taught my youngest, as it is much less an issue with this one. We just want to be HEARD. Sometimes, we have spent a lot of time thinking about your issue, and when you blow us off or argue, we think we have to present it again because you didn’t “hear me”. It was a lightning bolt when my husband pointed out that our oldest would often argue with me, and then quietly (when I wasn’t looking) do something very similar to what I suggested. Sometimes we parents are waiting for the magic of “Wow Mom - you are so smart and so right. I never would have done this, and now my entire life has been straightened out because of your infinite wisdom.” Newsflash: this never happens. Well, not until you are approximately 26, when we have had time to separate from you, and you have realized that asking our advice can actually yield some excellent suggestions. I hope a bit of this is helpful for you - as I say to my 26 year old, "I’m a consultant now. You know far more about the situation and the best approach than I do, but here are five ways that you could handle it. I know you will make the best decision given your broader information, because you are smart and wise and have proven yourself XYZ (whatever the issue is). "
Wow - just saw that you were a twin. If both my kids were leaving at once, my head would be spinning off my neck. One other thought: perhaps you could ask her to make a list of the things that she thinks you will need to do to survive a freshman year (laundry, dishes, etc). Again, giving her control. Today, I am teaching my very responsible senior (who does cook and do laundry) how to wash her comforter, which is bulky and needs a lot of dryer finesse. It helps my anxiety to know that she knows how to do another critical life skill.
Would your parents be able to afford a residential summer program at a college? This might be beneficial to give you some confidence in living away from home - dorm life, dealing with laundry etc. You would take a class or two, but there is a lot of time for group actives, sports, and weekend trips. It would be fun and maybe a little liberating. Many programs also have a “pre-college” aspect in that you can sign up for personal statement essay writing seminars and/or test prep. I’m not familiar with any specific CS programs, but there are some out there for sure. Anyway, it might be nice to get away for a “trial” separation - independence and confidence for you, and helpful to your mom as well.
She’s clearly feeling stress over this process which is manifesting itself in a need to control you. Maybe if she sees that you can be responsible away from home for a few weeks she will relax a bit. If any of this sounds interesting to you, circle back and I’m sure that people will give you suggestions for specific programs.
The assumption that I’m a guy was really interesting though! If you would state your reasons why, I would love to hear them!