<p>Thank you Sybbie for that final line, which is an important reminder for all of us at each stage of life. I didn't repond to the OP because I foudn the query so bizarre and even shocking in its seeming lack of ethical awareness; I'm glad other parents were so clear in their message that you just don't undercut a friend that way, whether to a schoo you too are applying to or for any other reason.</p>
<p>Personally, I think for kids coming out of small, highly competitive schools where the top kids are all trying to get into the same colleges and universities and life feels more like a horserace than at any subsequent time, the whole idea of peer recommendations is a little ridiculous. I think the colleges should get rid of them.</p>
<p>i must say, after all my months on these boards, it was really shocking to see the way some of you responded to my mere question. i recieved an answer, i acknowledged that i would follow the advice, yet at least 15 people continued to label the question "bizarre" and "disturbing".</p>
<p>i never intended, as someone states, to list the characters faults i.e. "was going to drop out and get GED like yourself." in fact i was going to speak very fondly of the student academically/personally, and just make a quick reference to the fact that it seems she would be better at a more uchicago type school (city + intellectual, you know the type)</p>
<p>this was not some attack on my friend, and it certainly wasn't "well harvard is her first choice, dartmouth is just a back up" - and i'm not sure why you parents, who are so educated and knowledgable, would choose to depict my question as such, and then go on to completely attack my character and moral values.</p>
<p>it was really insulting, considering all i asked for was help</p>
<p>I would tel her to write it herself and that you would sign it.</p>
<p>I was going to speak very fondly of the student academically/personally, and just make a quick reference to the fact that it seems she would be better at a more uchicago type school (city + intellectual, you know the type)</p>
<p>What part of this statement do you not find to be undercutting your friend or back stabbing. If this is how you speak about your friends then she really needs to get herself some enemies.</p>
<p>How is this so different form the statement "well harvard is her first choice, dartmouth is just a back up" But yet you found the statment insulting (as you should)</p>
<p>The statement about her being at better fit at Chicago is WAY out of line and why would you feel that it is your place to tell an admissions person that this student would be well suited at a place other than the school to which she is applying. And as a person who would make this kind of statement about their friend the net-net is that it DOES NOT speak well of YOUR CHARACTER. As I said previously as a person who is also applying your would probably be sinking your own chances as you definitely come off as condescending.</p>
<p>There is NO Right Way to to do something which is Wrong. </p>
<p>Thank goodness you are young, this has been pointed out to you and you have time to absorb it in basically a no harm no foul situation. It's not our intention to beat you up, but if we didnot care about you we would have remained silent. We just told you up front what others would have said behind your back or just passed judgment and thought poorly of you</p>
<p>ok, thanks for saying it for the 500th time when i clearly learned the lesson the first time. give it a rest, honestly. its not your job to judge MY CHARACTER when all i asked was a simple question</p>
<p>Ilcapo - it WAS a shocking and disturbing question, and I agree with what others have said regarding why. Thank God you asked before acting, and now have a chance to try and sort things out. Citing that you're both applying to Dartmouth makes the best case, because it will look less like you were looking for an "out" than just being too busy. (Although peer recs do take a long time! I spent three hours on the one I just wrote for a friend applying to a scholarship at the University of Georgia) </p>
<p>I'm sure you're a very moral person, and everyone here recognizes that we all make mistakes. Nobody is attacking you as a person.</p>
<p>I hope none of the Dartmouth admissions officers read this board, though!</p>
<p>ugh, make this thread go away....please. i cant take the responses that make me feel like ****. thanks.</p>
<p>Il,</p>
<p>It's going to be okay</p>
<p>We talk to you the same way we talk to our own kids (scary thought). And just like them We still got love for ya.<br>
:) :) :)</p>
<p>:) - ok much better</p>
<p>thanks sybbie heh</p>
<p>some of you guys take all this wayyyy too seriously. It was just a question, and I think it was an appropriate one.</p>
<p>Anyway, I'm also applying to Dartmouth and ilcapo is actually writing my peer evaluation-- I'm not the one he's talking about being a "bad fit" though-- and I'm writing his. Do you guys really think it's bad that we're both applying to Dmouth and are doing each other's recs?</p>
<p>ilcapo, ilcapo...so like you</p>
<p>Ilcapo,
Sorry you are feeling badly about the feedback you have received. You originated a post asking for advice which opens yourself to both positive and negative feedback. I believe most posts have been written politely. I also wrote you and mentioned that I am glad you asked the question here before taking the actions you proposed because had you gone ahead, I think you would have made a poor choice with questionable judgement. Luckily, you thought to ask others first and so perhaps you were not so sure of your plan either. You are young and it is ok to make mistakes. Take the feedback the way it was intended. You are getting advice and thought provoking discussion that might help you examine your judgement and how certain actions can reflect on your character in ways you must not have realized. Even your subsequent posts about your writing in a rec that she would be more suited to UChicago shows me that you might not get the point. That would be a negative thing to say on a college rec. It is ok to say when talking with people but NOT ok on what she assumed would be a positive peer recommendation. Again, it would reflect poorly on your character to write anything of that nature in the first place, but particularly given you are also an applicant and it would call into question any untoward intent. </p>
<p>You are saying that it is not the other posters job to judge your character. That is true but you asked for advice on a plan you had and the feedback is such that your intentions do call into question character traits whether you intended for them to or not. Certain actions reflect on a person and we are trying to tell you what those actions would then cause others to infer about you. Just learn from it, that's all. You could have posed your query as to wondering how to go about writing a peer rec, particularly to the same college to which you are an applicant. But instead, you wrote about what you might have written and others gave you feedback on that plan and you did ask for that, no? If you ask, be prepared for critiques. The critiques were politely submitted. </p>
<p>I would like to add that as a frequent student poster on a parent forum, you have asked for advice in many facets of your schooling and your college search and application process. Parents here, out of the goodness of their hearts, have opened themselves up to you and have offered you SO much help along the way. I would say that the amount of help you have received on each and every aspect of this process down to many drafts of each essay and so forth, normally would cost ya many thousands of dollars. These folks are not paid counselors but are just parents who care about kids. I know you appreciate their help. I know they want to give it to ya. I know you might not have this support at home or your mom might not have the knowledge of these things to help you. Given how much help you have gotten here, I would say that in this instance, these very same giving adults have also given you advice once again but you don't like the advice or critique. If you are going to ask for advice, be prepared for the feedback. Parents here are forgiving of youthful mistakes. They are trying to GUIDE you. </p>
<p>Take care,
Susan</p>
<p>Do you only know Ilcapo via the Internet?
If so, either of you would be a poor choice for a rec writer for one another to Dartmouth. My view is that a rec writer should know you in Real Time and have worked with you in some capacity. </p>
<p>I also would question having Ilcapo write a peer rec given his confusion as to what is appropriate in a recommendation and what is not. You wanna take that chance, go ahead. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>I think she gets the message. </p>
<p>I'm sure she's had enough sanctimony to last a lifetime.</p>
<p>well, just finished my 3rd peer rec for dartmouth. maybe you guys could e-mail them and say "beware!!!"</p>
<p>ilcapo is one of my best friends in real life. so no, I don't only know him through the internet.</p>
<p>and i just read his peer rec for me and it's brilliant. so I'm very glad he's a friend of mine.</p>