My poor D has been experiencing some issues recently with her close group of theatre friends. This is especially hard as this group really makes up all her friends since she has been immersed in theatre since she was in elementary school and has naturally developed her friendships with these kids as they all share the passion. In a perfect world these kids would all be supportive of each other and be happy for the successes. At least that has how my D has always viewed it and has felt it had been. But in the past two years, she has had quite a run of great roles and amazing opportunities come her way. At first many seemed happy for her, but lately there is a real undercurrent of resentment toward her and they are starting to leave her out of activities and give her the cold shoulder. She is really hurt by this because she goes out of her way to root for them and be happy for their successes and she really sort of bends over backward not to talk about some of the great things happening to her so as not to appear to be bragging. If anything she errs on the side of really keeping her excitement sort of bottled up so as not to offend anyone. The really puzzling thing is that many of the things she is doing are not things that members of her group were even competing for in terms of roles or performance opportunities. Anyway, she has tried to talk to a number of them to understand if they are angry or if she has done something wrong, only to get a response that everything is fine. But it definitely isn’t fine and she’s hurting which of course breaks my heart as a Mom. I keep telling her that true friends celebrate each other’s accomplishments and that it won’t always be like this. I hope I’m right! It makes me wonder what she faces down the road in terms of pursuing this in college so I’m curious for those of you here who have kids in different programs, does this petty stuff get better or worse? Can they in essence be competing, but also be supportive friends? And, how have your kids handled this as I’m sure this cannot be unique to my D? Advice welcomed!
Oh @sopranomtmom, so sorry for your daughter, that’s awful. I have a boy, so not sure if it’s relevant, but I think he found that they all banded together and became a family in his BFA program. In fact, I was a little worried about him last fall, when he got the tiniest possible part at his first general audition, but then I saw that he and some other guys who had gotten the same (they were the G-men in “You Can’t Take It With You”) parts, totally rallied together and decided to make their roles pop, whatever that took. Literally, 24 hours and they were all over it and at it again. So yes,it’s competitive at the college level, but I don’t think it’s as petty. My own experience is that people are always the nastiest when the stakes are lowest. I bet your daughter will find her tribe at the next level.
Yes, we have run into this also with my D. but actually sometimes it comes from the parents! LOL A lot of her friends in theater (high school) and also outside of school are supportive but the parents of some kids can get funny w/ me and its really quite annoying but she has encountered this since middle school so nothing new. There will always be jealousy & especially if your D is getting good parts. People will deem her the “favorite” etc…All I tell my D is she needs to just continue to be a “professional” in her actions, don’t get “braggy”, which she totally does not and move forward. I am sure your D is talented & that is why they are becoming jealous. As the girls age it is no longer just cute plays they are doing but thinking of going to college for this, etc.The stakes increase therein the jealousy and competitiveness, although competition is a good thing and they will be getting that twofold soon! My D likes that a lot of her friends have actually drifted from theater & are pursuing other activities so they are not competing. Plus it helps to have friends in other schools so you are not directly competing, etc. That being said, again, if she has what we call in our family “God given” talent then this will probably not go away. Your D is getting roles for a reason. I know the feeling where your child is afraid to enjoy her successes for fear of looking full of herself though. We have also encountered teachers not wanting to draw attention to my D for fear of offending other kids.
This was a huge issue for my D last year- and really colored the end of her PA HS experience. For her- a lot came out in the BFA round, people who had expected to be rolling in offers struggled, some got no offers at at all, or had “chickened out” (their words, not mine) of a number of top tier programs - and resented others success. It got more than a little ugly. But the good news is that once college starts- it’s a whole new world, and issues that had D crying herself to sleep last summer are water WELL under the bridge. It shows their character- not hers. Have your D stay true to herself, and be a friend (whether others are or not) and she will have no regrets.
I just read this to my D. She said “that literally sounds word for word like my senior year”. And “are you sure you didn’t write that?” We feel your pain. We have been through it. It is no fun. Tell your D those people are not true friends. I know it hurts… Badly. But The good news is - my D said to tell you - it gets better!
D says it is not like that at her college at all. She has made wonderful friends in college. And they do seem to celebrate one another’s successes and comfort each other when things dont quite go their way. Of course whenever a show is cast, there may be some who are disappointed. Their program head tells them it’s ok to take an hour or two to be sad, maybe even cry. But then you need to get over it! She said everyone really tries to embrace this.
I also think by the time they reach college, most actors are much more realistic about their type so they can accept not being cast, or having someone cast over them, a little better. In high school it is common for someone to be cast in a role they would never be suited for in the professional world whether because of age, voice type, size, etc… But they are cast against their type simply because there are limited people to fill the roles at the high school level. Because of this, unfortunately sometimes kids come out of high school thinking they can and should play any role, when in reality they need to be realistic about what roles they are best suited for. College and professional casting can be a rude awakening for those kids. But it can also provide some understanding and acceptance.
So hang in there. Keep being the best people you can be no matter how others are treating you. continue to be kind. Take solace knowing your D will find her place and her people in college. I’m really sorry she is having to go through this now. But she will be stronger and wiser for it. Wishing you all the best.
My D has had a different experience with this.
In her BFA program, there’s a girl who sounds like your daughter except the other students are not quite happy with her (and don’t want to be around her as much) because she has become a mini diva.
Now I don’t feel that it’s the kids’ jealousies because everyone in this little circle of BFA friends has been cast in several shows each already. This is the student’s first part and from what my daughter tells me, it has gone to her head and it is quite painful to be around her anymore.
Throughout the year, they have all rooted for each other without any sort of jealousy or drama, but things are different with this particular student. My daughter has said that she understands that the student had to wait all year for her turn in her show and that it must have been hard for her to see everyone doing their shows already, but she feels that the student has gone overboard with wanting everyone’s attention during this time.
Not saying who is right or wrong (or whether my daughter is embellishing the truth or not because she’s a diva herself!), just that there can be three sides to the story.
P. S. - All the women in my immediate family had their children long before I got married and had my daughter. I’ll tell you this, once I got pregnant, I wanted all eyes on me for nine months! I had supported everybody else and now it was my turn!
My family members probably wrote stuff about me on message boards. 
Thank you all so much for the reassuring comments. It really helps and I will share your wisdom with my D. We just got home from a Mom/Daughter movie night to help take her mind off things. Although I’m sure she would have rather been out with her friends! But as hurtful as this is, it is encouraging to know that things get better. She is very dedicated and I imagine she will just put her head down and keep working even harder than ever. I’m glad she has a very busy summer ahead with a couple of wonderful performance opportunities and a three week MT program where I hope she will make some new friends. And she is planning to spend a lot of time working on dance too so she won’t have much time to feel sorry for herself!
I can certainly understand people being annoyed with diva behavior @exitstageleft , but I can honestly say that is really not my daughter at all. And I’m not saying that just because I’m her Mom, because she knows I wouldn’t tolerate it and would call her on that type of attitude. She has had her share of disappointments in the past and has paid a lot of dues along the way leading up to much of her recent success. Through it all she has dedicated herself to whatever part she gets and happily makes the most of any opportunity large or small. The only thing I could really fault her with, if this could be considered a fault is that she takes this so seriously that she treats it like a job and has an incredible work ethic. But she does this because she truly loves it and is actually sometimes embarrassed by the attention she gets and actually tries to downplay it, especially in front of her friends. I actually get annoyed with her at times for avoiding praise because she has earned it and I hate that she feels bad about getting compliments!
It is so discouraging when the resentment starts. It takes over. My S went through some rough waters his senior year with peers he was clearly not competing against and, sadly, adults. The good news? He has not experienced it in college. He has found his peers to be highly competitive yet very supportive. I admit I breathed a huge sigh of relief after such an unpleasant senior year experience.
Another realization – many of the kids who caused all of the drama and heartache for my D are not even pursuing theater any more. It really seems so petty now – but it irreparably damaged friendships - both my Ds friendships with her peers and my friendships with other parents. Really sad
I would really try to meet kids at each of the schools you are considering and get a really good feel for the program and campus culture. I have to say every program we considered was extremely nice and welcoming with the exception of one. And that was almost a relief – we crossed that one off actually BEFORE she entered the audition room as the people at the audition were so rude. You also may check their retention rate to see how many graduate from the program and/or the school. That is not necessarily an indicator about the students there. Kids leave schools for a variety of reasons - but it may suggest you want to investigate why they are leaving.
To comment on college level stuff - it seems freshman year is a real bonding experience for a BFA class. Sophomore year can be a challenge, however. Casting begins in earnest, and the one-big-happy-family can start to break up into smaller groups, resulting in more chances for kids to be left out, etc. This is natural in ALL COLLEGE situations - I remember reading an article about how important it is for schools to have more than just freshman mentoring programs, since more sophomores need monitoring. It is also a big year for people to decide they are dropping out or transferring. I feel it is doubly hard for BFA kids because they spend so much time together. I urged my son to make a few friends outside of the BFA, which he did thru a cappella, but staying in an singing group was too much with the BFA work load. Sorry about the high school experience - I’m sure we all can relate to your D’s story (my son and his date sitting alone at the prom, with no one saving them a spot at the table . . . ). She will be able to figure this out as she goes along, and not let others make her sad. I hope she enjoyed the upcoming summer!
Senior year can be a tough thing. There is a buildup where it is supposed to be this magical culmination of a kid’s entire youth- and that’s a big order. I would love to think that the kids who behaved badly as seniors learned something (my D got a long heartfelt apology from one person last summer, who then turned around and did the meanest thing of all a week later-… ah well) but some don’t. The arts attracted a plethora of fantastic people- but they attract divas and jerks too. Just have to learn to tell the difference 
I agree with vvnstar to try to get a feel for the program’s culture. I’m sure I directly or indirectly influenced son because of the warm and supportive response I received here on CC from folks who were either a student in a program, faculty member or parent of a student. I encouraged my son to learn more about the programs when he started the application and audition process, and as fate would have it, he was accepted to the two programs I felt could be a great match for him.
I’m sorry your daughter is experiencing pettiness from people she had once considered friends. Having worked in a high school for many years, I have observed that it can be tough for kids who have matured socially and emotionally ahead of their peer, as it appears has happened to your daughter. I hope college will be a wonderful experience for her
My D has always made sire to cultivate frindships both in and out of the theater world . I think this strategy has served her well and stopped the pettiness that can happen, especially with girls. It also helped broaden her world. Hopefully your D can do some of this in college. It will benefit her in myriad ways.
My daughter went through something similar in HS as well. She is now a senior. In my experience, girls in general can have a tough time with competition. Because girls are “supposed” to be nice and supportive, they often have no skills to handle things graciously when they are actually feeling annoyed and cheated. So, their competitiveness (which is a normal human emotion for all of us) can come out in nasty, underhanded ways. Plus, to be honest, it is truly hard to be genuinely happy for someone who is getting that one thing that we really want but will never have. I think it is hard for all of us.
Anyway, I just try to help my daughter understand that people are flawed, and to try to have empathy for the other kids, even when they aren’t being nice to her. It is so hard NOT to get the parts, and NOT to get your dream. It is really hard.
My S has had the same @artskids. What is it with the parents? The girls often take on the anger of their male friends and held grudges when they didn’t even compete against him. The sad/funny part of all of the anger, jealousy, and pettiness, is that my son never competed against anyone but himself. He’s not a very competitive person by nature. He was typically oblivious to why people were upset with him.
I would absolutely second “what is it with parents” - those who would stand by and watch their children behave badly baffle me
In my experience both with D’s theatre world and the world of high level athletics of D2, the majority of pettiness and nastiness starts at home. Sadly, kids often pick up on the negativity and jealousness of their parents. Those parents aren’t just standing by and watching; they are participating and instigating. We’ve experienced this in the theatre world, but it has been even more blantant and disgusting in D2’s high level/elite athletics. I can only imagine how crazy this must all get at a PA school! It’s probably the same as in D2’s world.
These responses are so helpful in knowing we are not alone in dealing with this. D got a text yesterday from one of the girls in the group with a sort of apology I guess. She said she felt bad about what was going on but it was really some of the other girls who are just so tired of my D (quoting here) “being so perfect and pretty and having everything just fall in her lap because of it”. My D just showed me and shook her head - not sure how to take that. I guess they don’t realize the amount of work she puts into this pursuit or the days where she feels insecure about her looks, talent and goodness knows what else just like any other teenager. Not sure you can take being called perfect and pretty as an insult, but it does I guess demonstrate that they are feeling resentful at the moment and punishing D because it. I just told her that ultimately her true friendships will stand the test of time and there are a lot more people that she will bond with in her future. And I do love the idea of fostering some friendships outside of her little theatre world and I’m going to try to encourage her to expand her net a bit!
You might encourage her to get involved in some sort of community service. Our D got very involved in some volunteer things and met an entirely different group of people. Helping others less fortunate than her kind of put the issues with her friends in perspective. And it just makes her happy and it feels good to help others.