Personal essay #1

<p>can you guys help me out??
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."</p>

<p>Twenty years ago my parents came to America in pursuit of greater opportunity for their lives. My parents came from India in search of a greater hope of a dream. When my dad came to America, he started driving diesel trucks, and then later he opened his own company that he still operates till this day. He has many drivers that work for him, both Indian and Hispanic. My mom studied in India to become a RN. She had married my dad and moved to California. She had problems adjusting to the new lifestyles, and did not know how to speak English so she had started off working as a nurse’s assistant and over years progressed to becoming a RN. My mom now just had finished getting her bachelor’s in nursing from Grand Canyon University. My sister was born in India and came here with my parents when she was nine months old. She went to kindergarten through fourth grade here at a public school. Then my family went to India and my parents decided to make my sister study there for about three years. When she came back, we attended a small private school. She graduated the same year, but I stayed there for another year. After that, my sister when to Garces Memorial High School and graduated in 2012, now she attends CSUB and is majoring biology to become a Physical Therapist. I was born in Bakersfield, California at Memorial Hospital in 1997, three years after my sister was born. I went to kindergarten through fourth grade at Bill L. Williams. I had a great time there, because I had a lot of friends and I knew almost everyone. Out of nowhere, my parents transferred me to a small private school, New Life Christian. I went there from fifth and sixth. Then again I switched schools, because my parents did not like my grades, even though I thought they were not that bad. I went back to a public school at Actis Jr. High, where I was reunited with most of my old friends. From seventh to eighth, I was happy there and had good grades, all A’s and one B. After I graduated from there my parents enrolled me into Garces High School. Where again I was separated from my friends. I went there from ninth to middle of eleventh, and then I decided that I did not want to go there anymore. I did not really like it there; it was full of rich white kids who thought that they were cool because they had money. I told my mom that I didn’t want to go there anymore since sophomore year, but she said that I only have a couple more years left and that I could endure through it. Junior year came around and I did not try in school anymore and my mom got mad, so she took me out of Garces and now I am currently at Independence High School. </p>

<p>This prompt is looking for much less biographical detail, which by the way should probably not be posted on a public forum like this - edit if you can in the next few minutes. Instead, focus on how you were shaped by your family’s story and where you want your future to lead.</p>

<p>Not effective</p>

<p>I hope this is a ■■■■■ posting. The underlying purpose of EVERY essay, no matter what the prompt, is to make the school want you. This essay does just the opposite. I wouldn’t want you at my university, based on this. Sorry to be so blunt, but do not use this essay.</p>