I dropped my son off at college this weekend and everyone I know seems to have been under the impression that I would fall apart upon doing so.
I could say its because his summer research isn’t really college, yet. But that would be stretching the truth a bit. If anything, given family circumstances, moving him in now was far easier than it might have been in the fall.
But really at no point did either my son or I cry. If anything, we kind of laughed at some of the more silly milestones. He bought shampoo by himself for the first time. We had our last meal in a cafeteria. We spent almost 20 minutes of our very short time finding said cafeteria. He told me I was folding his towels wrong. I laughed at the way he organized his ties. We made fun of each others driving. I sung to Tori Amos. He sand to Panic at the Disco.
And even after he dropped me off at the airport, the emotional breakdown I somewhat expected never quite came. We took a semi flattering selfie instead.
And yet, this is obviously a milestone that is very emotional for most. I spent the flight home trying to contemplate why exactly we took it in stride,
The easiest answer would probably be that I have complete faith in the college he is attending and the specific scholarship program he is part of.
But a part of me wondered that it wasn’t it at all.
You see, my oldest son is profoundly disabled. He will never have the opportunity to go to college. At 21, he hasn’t even been able to learn to read. He is a wonderful child and a tireless worker in vocational programs - but college is not part of his future. Do I value DS17 college opportunities more because I understand how many may never even have the opportunity to explore post secondary education?
I don’t know at all. I only mean to say, don’t cry parents as your drop your kids off. Be sad. Miss them. But rejoice in what they can do.
I have a friend with twin 20-year-old children. One child is an honor student at our state flagship. The other child is profoundly disabled and, while he might graduate from high school, will never go to college or live on his own. I understand your perspective.
I didn’t cry dropping off either of my kids. The first drop off was not easy as it was 100 million degrees, there was a mix up of dorm assignments, everything seemed to be more difficult than it needed to be. I also had my other child with me. A few weeks later, I dropped her off. She wasn’t feeling well, so I just did the minimum needed and left so she could take a nap.
Right now, I’m ready to send both back to their schools without a tear. The summer is going that well!
I still cry in the airport, years after that first college drop-off, and have had one with severe limitations as well. Nothing wrong with crying. Not that you are saying that, but to me, it is natural when leaving a loved one and doesn’t signal any tragedy or breakdown.
I teared up a bit (I think hidden by sunglasses), but it was from joy not sadness – joy at the opportunity they have for a college education, joy in seeing them take another big step towards becoming an independent young adult, joy thinking about what they have accomplished already and what they hope to accomplish in the future.
Sure, I was sad they were flying the coop. But having gone away to college at their age, I kept reminding myself of just how ready, excited, and prepared I was to take this step at their age and I didn’t want to do one thing to make them feel anything but happy and thrilled (although I’m sure there were nerves as well) at the start of their journey.
I feel a little heart broken each time I drop DS at the airport, bus, etc. I fully recognize that we are so fortunate that “all has gone according to plan” and satisfied that he has grown so independent. BUT… I miss him when he’s gone, and unlike those days of sending him to camp for a few weeks, I know that not being home is the norm now.
Imo, there’s nothing wrong with crying - or not. I am happy for where he is now in his life yet miss parts of the past. And I’m aware that both can’t exist simultaneously.
I realized of course after I posted that it might sound like I was saying there was something wrong with crying - which I wasn’t. I think I didn’t cry because of our own family dynamic which most assuredly isn’t one most share. The takeaway (if there was one, there is always the chance I was just rambling…) was more that perhaps focusing on the awesome things are kids are able to accomplish might mitigate the sadness that most feel.
@deliahxc, love your picture! My DD started there last year and she would not even let me drive with her to the school. Which turned out to be the right decision, her car was unpacked and her stuff waiting in her room by the time she had checked in. I would have driven 4 hours to be there less than 1/2 hour and then another 4 hour drive home. Its kinda like kindergarden, you have to leave them at the door and do it quickly.
I cry during coffee commercials, so I’m sure I’ll be a basketcase. But, the mere fact that your child has the confidence to go off and pursue a dream speaks volumes of your parenting skills. It seems that you were more focused on your son at that moment than yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
What a nice way to think about it. I’m guessing I will have tears of both joy and sadness when I drop my D off in August 15 hours away from home. It seems impossible that she will be doing that. But then I remember that I was 17 when I went away to school 13 hours away from home with no cell phones, skype, e-mails etc. I’m very nervous about it and know I will miss her a lot. But what an opportunity and great life experience. I’ll try to focus on that part!
I was surprised that I cried like a baby when I dropped my oldest child at the airport gate (the desk agent gave me a pass to accompany him). I cried harder when I got the call, three months later, that he was on the verge of a psychotic break.
I DIDN’T cry with my younger two when they left for college. Perspective, indeed!
I didn’t cry when dropping my kids off. I was so happy that I was actually able to afford to pay for them to go to school away from home, even if it was SUNY and not a private LAC, that I couldn’t stop beaming.
@MotherOfDragons I thought I’d already mentioned that I’d overstated that part and that it wasn’t my intent to say that it was wrong to cry. I meant to express that it was okay not to cry. No one ever told me that. And it really left me quite befuddled and wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I spent a long plane ride home trying to make sense of it and was admittedly overtired when I wrote this. I was sharing my story in the hopes that my perspective might mean something to someone else at some point. I’m very sorry that my careless wording offended you.
I think that pretty much any feelings you have when you drop off your child at college are OK – including the feeling (two hours down the road) of “Oh, ****, one of the boxes is still in the back seat!”
Of course, crying or not crying is fine, it is what surrounds it that can matter. I have a friend that cries every time her daughter goes back and forth to school. She is a rising junior. It is her second to college (first a boy, no tears for that one). She mopes and is depressed for a couple days after any visit home ends. I think it is because in her case, the whole idea of the daughter going to college has always been more about the impact on mom than the daughter’s opportunities. Not good. Too much woe is me.
Crying is a natural reaction, but I lean more towards the feeling that when kids are happy, mom is happy. I drop them off and walk away feeling triumphant that they/we are able to do this.
I spent so much time preparing MYSELF for D leaving for college. This was probably because I knew she was absolutely fine and ready to go, and I knew that I could get emotional when faced with any major life transition, or even a sappy TV commercial for that matter. I read all sorts of websites (Grown and Flown, anyone?) and articles on the topic, often crying my eyes out anticipating drop-off day for probably an entire year (not every week or anything, but more than I should have). Of course, I only did this when she wasn’t around to see. As a result, I thought for sure I would be a blubbering mess when the actual event finally rolled around. Sure, I was very happy for her, but I dreaded the thought of her leaving.
On drop-off day, I experienced a full range of emotions from nervous to proud to nostalgic, all with just a touch of sadness. I actually surprised myself and held it together pretty well. On the way home, I found myself quite unexpectedly in a very philosophical mood. The clouds were a gorgeous pink and I felt like I was racing the sun as I drove west as it set. I spent the trip reviewing all sorts of memories and thoughts in a rather calm sort of manner. Maybe it was because I had already spent all those tears? Or maybe because I knew she would be okay? Or maybe…?? Who knows.
For those sending their baby birds out of the nest soon, I recommend you expect the unexpected. And be kind to yourself no matter how your emotions unfold. Emotions are never wrong; they just are what they are. It’s how you handle them that matters.
The season finale of Modern Family had the two daughters (Alex and Haley) pre-crying Phil (the dad) out so he wouldn’t embarrass Luke (the youngest) at Luke’s graduation. It was pretty funny. I relate to the Phils of the world.
Probably the only thing I can’t get behind are the moms who call the kids at college and sob over the phone to them and tell them how hard it is to be away from them-not cool to put that burden on your kid, imo. They have enough to deal with.
As a result, I thought for sure I would be a blubbering mess when the actual event finally rolled around. Sure, I was very happy for her, but I dreaded the thought of her leaving.