Phobias and dorm life

Parents Forum
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<p>A friend's D just texted to say her freshman roommate is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with the room light on. A friend of mine had a roommate who was terrified to shower alone, and needed my friend to accompany her to the shower area and stick around until she had finished (presumably to protect her from a crazy killer with a chain saw). D's high school friend took a summer temp job cleaning dorms at a local college, and her crew discovered a student who could not make bowel movements in the dorm bathroom so was using boxes in her room instead. </p>

<p>We have all heard roommate adjustment stories of varying seriousness. But I hope that if my S or D had a phobia, either I'd see it was successfully treated prior to that age, or I would ask for a single or some relevant accommodation like a roommate with the same phobia, or else I would suggest they attend school locally and live at home. Should colleges require, not just request, students to disclose such needs or psychological issues so arrangements can be made in advance? I know I would be completely unable to sleep with the TV on if that was what my roommate needed. I could manage a low light, but not variable sounds. What are reasonable accommodations students should be expected to make for their roommates, and what are unreasonable? </p>

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<p>I wouldn’t be able to sleep with the light on. I think it’s wrong the student/parent didn’t get a single room to accomodate that phobia. I would definitely be talking to the university about a change. </p>

3

<p>I would hope someone with a phobia would be voluntarily disclosing such information. Do they not want to be comfortable in their new environment? Do they not want to seek adequate accommodations so they have a nice living environment?</p>

<p>

Accommodations for one student should not detract or diminish the quality of life for the other student without prior discussion and agreement. </p>

<p>If a student is unable to sleep with the light off, their roommate should not be expected to sleep with the light on. The phobic student will need to adjust to sleeping with a nightlight, hall lights, or string lights, all understandable accommodations. </p>

<p>If a student is unable to shower alone, they should not expect their roommate to put their life on hold to curb their fears. They need to find a suitable accommodation such a music or have a hired attendee. </p>

<p>If a student poops in boxes (What in the world?), they need to 1) get some help fast and 2) cut that out fast and if they can’t they need to change rooms to a single. That is disgusting and simply ridiculous someone would expect a roommate to deal with. </p>

4

<p>

I assume you are referring to phobias that would present a potential issue for others (roommates, significant others, etc), rather than some phobia in general?</p>

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<p>None of the examples you cite are reasonable (one is probably illegal). The <em>college</em> has an obligation to accommodate those with disabilities; <em>roommates</em> have no such obligation. The roommate owes the phobic person sympathy and compassion, NOT a duty to give up their own comfort or convenience.</p>

<p>I had severe anxiety problems in high school, did not go to college until they were gone, and requested a single anyway just in case they came back (they didn’t). These problems are readily treatable. It’s not acceptable to impose on your classmates instead of seeking real help.</p>

6

<p>Maybe the box toileter had a single dorm room.</p>

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<p>Yes, I am referring to phobias that would impact a roommate. </p>

<p>The box toileter did have a single dorm room, but her father only came once a week to cart away the boxes. In the summer term when the weather warmed up, the smell increased, people complained, and that is how the problem was discovered. </p>

<p>Being unable to use communal bathrooms is hopefully not as common as wanting to sleep with a light or TV on. While the latter quirk seems mild, studies have shown that sleeping with even night lights on is harmful to the eyes long-term, so I would not want my child to have to do it. I suppose the phobic roommate could suggest the other person wear an eye mask as an accommodation? Would that be reasonable?</p>

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<p>(Apparently the box toileter needed a single with a private bathroom.)</p>

9

<p>Or maybe a portable chemical toilet like you can get for a camper. I lived with one for a year and it really wasn’t that bad. It certainly wouldn’t have been noticable outside the room.</p>

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<p>That box thing is gross. Wow.</p>

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<p>My S does not like using communal bathrooms (Asbergers issues). So he has scoped out where on campus all the “single-holers” are (library, basement of classroom building). For showers, he tries to time his showers when other kids are in class. Doesn’t always work, but he doesn’t totally freak out. We knew he had these issues when we sent him, but left it to him to find a workable solution. </p>

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<p>My son nixed a very nice LAC that offered him a boatload of merit aid because 100% of their freshman housing used communal restrooms and he knew he couldn’t handle that.</p>

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<p>Missypie, the schools I know of, allow the floor to choose how to allocate the restrooms, but if that school didn’t, its good to know upfront I guess, but that would be disappointing if that was the only thing he didnt like.</p>

<p>If the roommates have a bunk bed, perhaps if the girl who needs the light could sleep on the bottom with a small light on the underside of the bunk?
Sleeping with a light on, affects your health, you need it dark.
I had to get a special coating on my glasses to block the blue light from electronics because it was interfering with my sleep.
<a href=“Blue light has a dark side - Harvard Health”>http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletters/Harvard_Health_Letter/2012/May/blue-light-has-a-dark-side/&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Melatonin and Sleep | Sleep Foundation”>http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-topics/melatonin-and-sleep&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Anything that impacts the students ability to function on campus & in the classroom, should be dealt with up front.
You are going to get more accurate information, if you disclose before application or acceptance.
It won’t necessarily impact admission, and if you can’t be accommodated it is FAR better to know up front, than to have to drop out or transfer.</p>

<p>Both my kids have learning challenges, amongst other things.
Oldest applied to a 100% need met/aware school. They gave her a single room without even having to ask for it or pay extra! ( she has ADD, so a single room gave her less distractions)</p>

<p>In some private schools, tuition is high because budget for all the extras is taken into account, whether they use it or not.
Sports facilities, counseling, tutoring, even an ADD coach.
At the public schools, there are extra charges everytime you turn around which can get tedious, even if still cheaper.</p>

<p>But the behaviors mentioned in this thread are fairly extreme. I cannot imagine sending a kid off to college with that level of anxiety. It’s not fair for them, and it’s not fair to the people around them.</p>

<p><a href=“Specific Phobias | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA”>http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/specific-phobias&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

14

<p>I don’t think it’s extreme at all (although definitely frustrating/unfair to the roomate) in the first case, at least. My roommate (not same room, so I guess suitemate) in college also didn’t want to sleep in complete darkness. She did leave the TV on and/or a soft light. She didn’t have a huge level of anxiety or any other issues. She adjusted to college very well and is a very successful human being post-college. I think it’s kind of harsh to say that she should not have been sent to college.</p>

<p>Personally, I also don’t like to sleep in complete darkness (yes, I know it’s bad for sleep). I don’t draw the shades on my windows. I CAN sleep in total darkness, but find it unpleasant. I wonder if it’s all that uncommon.</p>

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<p>The roommate in question,from the sounds of ir, doesn’t want a night light.
She wants the room light on, that sounds unreasonable to me.
I didn’t say she should * never* attend college.
But that level of anxiety has a source, and can be treated.</p>

16

<p>I guess that’s different - I was under the impression that she just doesn’t want complete darkness, but maybe I misread.</p>

17

<p>Yes, you misread. </p>

<p>

Wouldn’t fly for me, especially with how harsh these overhead lights are. </p>

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<p>One thing I’ve wondered about students with such extreme phobias/accommodations is how would they cope dealing with sharing apartments with roommates who may not be as understanding after college? Especially if the accommodations are serious impositions on their ability to live in their shared apartment space. </p>

<p>One extreme example I know is a friend whose medical condition requires absolute quiet from 7-8 pm onward. </p>

<p>While he was able to get accommodations in college and had exceedingly accommodating roommates during his first 2 years out of college, those accommodations were such that most potential roommates even among his friends weren’t willing to room with him. How many people are willing to walk on eggshells to avoid making noise which could set off potential tantrums about “too much noise” and cause crankiness the following day or few? </p>

<p>After finding he couldn’t find roommates who were willing to accommodate his condition and his not being able to afford renting an apartment on his own, he ended up having to move back with his parents in the quiet suburbs. </p>

19

<p>One of my kids roomed with someone who has Aspergers.
I don’t know about him, but many people on the spectrum seem to have ( at least) one sense that is not as sensitive and one that is VERY sensitive.
Noise is a common distraction/ stressor.
There are somethings to mitigate that ( carpeting, ear plugs, white noise machine).
But I wonder if his parents are really that quiet, or is it just that they are familiar? </p>

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<p>Cobrat, I don’t find that to be an issue at all. I don’t have any special needs, but (by choice) I have not had to share an apartment with anyone after college. Neither did at least several of my classmates. I find that if you really don’t want roommates (as some people, myself included, don’t), whatever the reason, you can avoid it. Yes, your place will probably be in an older building, much less space than you could otherwise get for your money (my first apartment was TINY), maybe a lot farther away, maybe even in a building with a shared bathroom for several rooms (yes, apartment buildings like that do exist - never lived in one but did see one during my search), etc. etc., but it’s definitely not impossible, if that’s your goal.</p>