<p>Again, it feels a lot different sitting at the lunch table saying “My parents will only let me apply to the state college” and “I applied to three schools, got into all of them, but am going to go to the state school because of finanical reasons.”</p>
<p>Your daughter can apply to small privates and see what the cost ends up being. They may not be options in the end, but you will have given her the opportunity to choose the state rather than dictate if from the start, and it also allows for some social face-saving and inclusion.</p>
<p>To us this seems silly but at their age, they are not mature and having a memory of choosing will last a long time.</p>
<p>“think it is hard when other kids (and their parents) act like anything other than an Ivy or top LAC is the equivalent of being in the dumb class,”</p>
<p>But when people say dumb things, isn’t it pretty easy to consider the source and discount their opinions? A parent who thinks “anything other than Ivy or top LAC is dumb” is a STUPID PERSON. Why would you let what stupid people think rattle around in your head, when you know it’s not true?</p>
<p>If someone insisted that Albany was not the capital of NYS and NYC was, despite all evidence to the contrary, would you pay attention to their opinions? </p>
<p>Well, I guess I have a “just hold on a minute” response to this. What OP wants is advice on how to get a kid to accept OP’s decision that certain colleges don’t make sense financially. Most of the responses above assume that OP’s decision and calculation of this is correct (as OP asked us to do). But what if…?</p>
<p>It seems to me that there are a couple of approaches here. One, proposed by several, is to tell the kid to suck it up, that the decisions on finances have been made, and that the parent doesn’t owe the kid anything in the first place. In my opinion, this is probably not the most effective way to get the kid to be happy with the situation.</p>
<p>On the other hand, OP could sit down with the kid and put all the cards on the table. Explain the finances. What he is able to pay, and what he is willing to pay, and why. If he does this, he also has to be willing to listen to what the kid has to say, and to answer reasonable questions. This would be treating the kid as an adult participating in an adult decision. I think some things are whining (“But all my friends are going there!”) but others aren’t (“Could you explain to me why you don’t think it’s worthwhile to borrow money to go to that school?”).</p>
<p>Hunt, I agree with you but I think part of the conversation might be “Sure, go ahead and apply to some privates and see what the cost ends up being. Then, we can decide as a family. We want you to be happy and want you to have choices, but hope that you can understand the financial limits we have.”</p>
<p>Sometimes people assume the public is the cheapest option and it isn’t always. And, having some choices helps the kid save face. Our family didn’t have to deal with this because our school was not like this, but students that age have irrational responses to situations that nevertheless leave lingering memories.</p>
<p>When I was applying to colleges, back when dinosaurs sent in their applications by postal mail, I wanted to apply to Penn, but my mother vetoed the idea on the grounds that the campus was too urban. I was not permitted to visit Penn because we had already spent a good deal of money on other campus visits. I resented for decades not being allowed to apply to Penn, which seemed to be a good fit for me academically. I considered my mother’s decision arbitrary and unfair.</p>
<p>Fast-forward thirtysomething years. I found myself accompanying one of my kids when she visited Penn. My immediate reaction: “This place is much too urban for me. I would have hated it here.”</p>
<p>If only my parents would have coughed up the money for train tickets and a hotel room…</p>
<p>I live in a neighborhood similar to OP’s. Many around here have taken the mediocre privates off the table and have sent mediocre child to regional universities out of state. There are a bunch - all happy to receive out of state tuition. Can OP look at some of those - Examples - VA is a popular destination : Univ. of Mary Washington, James Madison; Towson in MD, and others of that ilk. In NJ - Ramapo College. Still cheaper than mediocre privates . Many of these colleges are on a building spree and have much nicer amenities than what was available 10 or 20 years ago.</p>
<p>Parents need to have not only a budget for tuition but one for looking at and applying to schools. My daughter wanted to go to school in California because, 1) we liked it when we lived in California and 2) her boyfriend lives there and attends college there. I told her she could only apply to schools in California (or anywhere) if she could give me a reason why she wanted to go to that school and a budget of how she was going to pay for it. She never even looked at the financial component of the schools.</p>
<p>Going on a visit and sending random applications is expensive. Even just sending an app and test scores is a waste of $50/$75 if there is no chance of going to that school. If my daughter would have been done research and shown me that $xx was available in merit for her stats, or that she would join ROTC, or that she could get a grant, then I would have looked at sending the application, and I wouldn’t have minded a vacation to look at schools. However, she didn’t do that, just said ‘I want, want, want…’ so no applications were even sent. It all worked out, she dumped the boyfriend, and is happy where she is.</p>
<p>Marian, if you wanted to look at Penn, you could have paid for the trip. Even at 16 I was earning enough to afford a weekend tour. My kids did look at some schools with their uncle, friends, but they knew they weren’t really going to go to them.</p>