Please critique this essay

<p>Hey guys,</p>

<p>I just churned out this essay, I'm supposed to write about a meaningful activity to me:</p>

<p>Papers were sprawled on my desk. Books were stacked two feet high. I was hunched over reading old lectures trying to learn the jargon of rocket science. My eyes squinted at the tiny text as I stumbled through the abstruse vocabulary. Hydrazine, MEOP, PED delta pressures, annealed material properties – those terms were all Greek to me.</p>

<p>It was my first week of work at Boeing Satellite Systems in the propulsion department. On my first day, I was greeted by Chad and Rick, two propulsion engineers. It happened to be that they were conducting pressure and leakage tests that very day. They handed me a pen and some paper. My internship had begun. Rick read the gauge every thirty seconds and shouted out numbers. Chad sat beside me and explained what the numbers meant as I was quickly copying them down. I didn’t quite comprehend what he was saying at the time, but I tried to grasp and retain as much information as I could so I would be able to look them up later.</p>

<p>Learning rocket science seemed to me like learning physics in foreign language. To grasp it, not only did I need to practice vocabulary daily but also a true understanding of the concepts behind it. Every time I found something I wasn’t quite sure of, and I would rush over to my mentor and ask him to explain. He always had a smirk on his face when I entered his office, knowing that I had another question. Drawing on the little whiteboard in his office, he exhausted the whole spectrum of propulsion. I began to comprehend concepts such as why we must account for the difference in pressure across the diaphragm of propellant tank. Without consciously realizing it, the obscure terms that once seemed so foreign to me soon became a part of my every day vocabulary.</p>

<p>As I began to understand more about propulsion, an itching curiosity and a desire to learn that fueled my research at Boeing. My project was to create the set of design guidelines, in which I conducted interviews with various engineers. I requested Mr. Dave Bronson, a metallurgical engineer, to show me how tensile testing of the titanium was conducted. I asked Dr. Jeffrey Hollender, an attitude control scientist, to explain the boundaries of the launch pressure. I questioned Dr. Ray Kushida about the theory behind fracture mechanics. I amalgamated all the information into my final research paper, but the knowledge I have gained throughout the eight weeks can hardly be compressed into a twenty page document.</p>

<p>Working at Boeing only gave me a sample of what an inquisitive and persevering mindset can accomplish. I highly doubt that I will ever be able to quench my thirst to learn. I am glad that I never shall. I am just a traveler on the journey of discovery as I ascend one mountain of knowledge in search of the next. My only limit is the sky, but even then, we always have rockets.</p>

<p>Thanks again everyone! BTW, is the ending too cheesy? LOL</p>

<p>Is it supposed for EA/ED, deadline today?</p>

<p>There are lots of small sylistic problems such as dangling participle as in >>Without consciously realizing it, the obscure terms that once seemed so foreign to me soon became a part of my every day vocabulary>>.</p>

<p>As well, the essay feels a bit strange. You don't explain how you got the internship but sound as if you knew nothing of rocket science before and only became interested some time during the internship. As a result, the essay sounds a bit flat; the conclusion could be stronger, too.</p>

<p>I liked the essay. It does highlight a meaningful activity (and a pretty impressive one, congratulations!).</p>

<p>Some comments:
I would not say that the engineers had a smirk on their face. Please don't give a negative impression of them, they were trying to help you.</p>

<p>This sentence is awkward:
"As I began to understand more about propulsion, an itching curiosity and a desire to learn that fueled my research at Boeing." </p>

<p>How about:
"As I began to understand more about propulsion, an intellectual curiosity and a desire to learn fueled my research at Boeing".</p>

<p>I did not like the last paragraph, it sounds cliched. Like 'one mountain of knowledge' etc.. I would reword if I were you.</p>

<p>Thanks for pointing out the grammatical/stylistic errors in it.</p>

<p>Marite: I forgot to inform everyone reading this that this essay is an addition to the short answer on the common app about a meaningful activity and why. There, I will talk about how this internship was gained through the NASA SHARP program. Perhaps I should include that I was placed into a field that I had no previous knowledge about (Altho AP Physics and Calculus knowledge helped ;)).</p>

<p>Thanks again though.</p>

<p>I like it, except for the last paragraph. Actually, I think the part about the sky's the limit-- but we always have rockets, is cute even though it's clich</p>

<p>I was hunched over [reading] old lectures trying to learn the jargon of rocket science. </p>

<p>It happened to be that they were conducting pressure and leakage tests that very day. => They happened to be conducting...</p>

<p>Learning rocket science seemed to me like learning physics in <em>a</em> foreign language.
Every time I found something I wasn’t quite sure of, [and] I would rush over to my mentor and ask him to explain.
My project was to create the set of design guidelines, [in] =>for which I conducted interviews with various engineers.</p>

<p>All your suggestions make sense, I guess I should have read over this more carefully!!</p>

<p>Anyways this is what I have now after some changes:
Papers were sprawled on my desk. Books were stacked two feet high. I was hunched over old lectures trying to learn the jargon of rocket science. My eyes squinted at the tiny text as I stumbled through the abstruse vocabulary. Hydrazine, MEOP, PED delta pressures, annealed material properties – those terms were all Greek to me.</p>

<p>It was my first week of work at Boeing Satellite Systems in the propulsion department. I have no previous knowledge of the field, but I was determined to learn the material. On my first day, I was greeted by Chad and Rick, two propulsion engineers. It happened to be that they were conducting pressure and leakage tests that very day. They handed me a pen and some paper. My internship had begun. Rick read the gauge every thirty seconds and shouted out numbers. Chad sat beside me and explained what the numbers meant as I was quickly copying them down. I didn’t quite comprehend what he was saying at the time, but I tried to grasp and retain as much information as I could so I would be able to look them up later.</p>

<p>Learning rocket science seemed to me like learning physics but in a foreign language. To grasp it, not only did I need to practice the vocabulary daily but also a true understanding of the concepts behind it. Every time I found something I wasn’t quite sure of, I would rush over to my mentor and ask him to explain. He always had a grin on his face when I entered his office, knowing that I had another question. Drawing on the little whiteboard in his office, he exhausted the whole spectrum of propulsion. I began to comprehend concepts such as why we must account for the difference in pressure across the diaphragm of propellant tanks. The obscure terms that once seemed so foreign to me soon became a part of my everyday vocabulary.</p>

<p>As I began to understand more about propulsion, an itching curiosity and a desire to learn fueled my research at Boeing. My project was to create the set of design guidelines, for which I conducted interviews with various engineers. I requested Mr. Dave Bronson, a metallurgical engineer, to show me how tensile testing of the titanium was conducted. I asked Dr. Jeffrey Hollender, an attitude control scientist, to explain the boundaries of the launch pressure. I questioned Dr. Ray Kushida about the theory behind fracture mechanics. I amalgamated all the information into my final research paper, but the knowledge I have gained throughout the eight weeks can hardly be compressed into a twenty page document.</p>

<p>Working at Boeing only gave me a sample of what an inquisitive and persevering mindset can accomplish. I highly doubt that I will ever be able to quench my thirst to learn. I am just a traveler on the journey of discovery as I ascend one mountain of knowledge in search of the next. My only limit is the sky, but even then, we always have rockets.</p>

<p>I'm still working on changing the cliche essay :)</p>

<p>"It happened to be that they were conducting pressure and leakage tests that very day. "</p>

<p>Change to:
"It just happened to be the day that they were conducting pressure and leakage tests".</p>

<p>"To grasp it, not only did I need to practice vocabulary daily but also a true understanding of the concepts behind it."</p>

<p>Change to:
"To grasp it, not only did I need to practice vocabulary daily but also gain an accurate understanding of the concepts behind it."</p>

<p>or
"To grasp it, not only did I need to know the vocabulary but also understand the concepts behind it."</p>

<p>You have five minutes to finish ur essay, lol.</p>