Grade My Essay please

Test Preparation
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<p>This is from the real SAT's book test #1, what motivates us to change:</p>

<p>Ward Sybouts states that "All our motivation [to change] comes from within." His veracious statement leads to an interesting question: what exactly motivates people to change? A myriad of possible catalysts come to mind- each completely valid, but only a few resonate within my personal experiences.</p>

<p>My cousin Tom is a twenty-two year-old mechanic. To anyone who doesn't know him, Tom's life has been fairily routine. He works a "nine-to-five" job, relaxes with friends, and has a steady girlfriend. The truth is, however, my cousin's life has been far from routine. For six years up until recently, Tom has suffered from alcoholism, a deadly addiction that nearly ended his life multiple times. The pernicious condition tested his girlfriend's commitment, in addition to the loyalty of all who considered themselves close to Tom. In this life-threatening scenario, what was the catalyst that motivated Tom to change? There were two: necessity and family. It was precisely the dire ultimatum- stop drinking or die- that gave Tom the will to get help. Additionally, it was the help of his girlfriend and others close to him- family- that enabled him to get through the scrupulous process of breaking free from the bonds of alcoholism.</p>

<p>A far cry from Tom's predicament, my own circumstance illustrates a catalyst for change. It is the precise reason I go to school and study so hard: ambition. Often mistaken for greed or selfishness, and the case can be made to support such an appraisal, I happen to have a more benign interpretation of ambition: working towards a goal. This is exactly what I am attempting to do by studying and attending college in the future- working towards the goal of financial stability.</p>

<p>It is conspicuous to see that there are many catalysts that motivate change. Each arises under different circumstances, but they all share a common trait in that they all arise from within.</p>

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<p>anyone please</p>

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<p>Decently written... you need more of a solid example for the second body paragraph or to expand on your ambition more. Maybe give an instance where you were lazy but motivated yourself to work hard and idk...feed the homeless wtvr. to emphasize this motivation. Also, the first body paragraph--you gave little into the cause of his change. The girlfriend's commitment is irrelavent. Overall, i would veer away from personal experiences and use historical/literary examples.</p>

<p>7/12</p>

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<p>And remember, never use a long word where a short one will do. Your goal is not to impress the readers with extensive vocabulary.</p>

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<p>I disagree, Todd. If you would care to look below at an SAT essay's criteria, vocabulary seems to be one of the fundamental cofactors in receiving a better a score. Oh, by the way, I scored an 11/12 on my essay. I mean, if you're completely potent in using an urbane language form, while remaining coherent--then do it, by all means.</p>

<p>A score of 6 is outstanding, demonstrating clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few minor errors. A typical essay</p>

<p>effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas
exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary
demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics</p>

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<p>Thanks for the responses</p>

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<p>Let me rephrase, to avoid further reproach: do not use extensive vocabulary to the point where uncertainity results. I am not saying the previous essay was filled with ambiguity: my advice should be followed as a general rule. If "clear and consistent mastery" are necessary to earn a 6, one must learn to exhibit "skillful use of language"; that cannot be accomplished solely through impressive vocabulary, appearing so frequently it confounds and misdirects the purpose of an essay. I had always thought it better to be clear and concrete in an essay to succeed purpose; but if inflated language alone produces the same result, then I must accept being reprimanded.</p>

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<p>"I disagree, Todd. If you would care to look below at an SAT essay's criteria, vocabulary seems to be one of the fundamental cofactors in receiving a better a score. Oh, by the way, I scored an 11/12 on my essay. I mean, if you're completely potent in using an urbane language form, while remaining coherent--then do it, by all means."</p>

<p>There's a catch, though..."long" words have very specific meanings, so it's very difficult to use them properly. "Scrupulous" and "conspicuous" in the essay were used improperly...it's hard to explain why they're wrong, but you'll find that you didn't account for all of the shades of meanings of the words.</p>

<p>Trying a thesaurus trick on an essay will cost you much more than just using simpler words accurately.</p>

<p>7/12</p>

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<p>Tip for that specific essay:</p>

<p>What motivates change? Choose ONE catalyst and write several examples. I.e., say that tragedy motivates change. Then, talk about the Mayor of Casterbridge, talk about how a death in the family changed you, talk about 9/11 and its effect on the nation, etc.</p>

<p>You had a serious unity issue...lack of unity = bad grade</p>

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<p>if you're not going to tell him/her what they did wrong and justify your score; what's the point in responding? They aren't going to be able to know how to change it for their real SAT essay.</p>

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<p>8/12,
some suggestions are:
1) if you can, use three examples, this seems to be a trend in marking.
2) literary/history examples tend to seem stronger than personal ones, use at least one of those
3) the thesis can be narrowed down alot more, find a specific focus and narrow your examples to justfy it.</p>

<p>comment: nice vocab choices, I think the essay has alot of potential and you should aim for 11-12 on the SAT with a better choice of examples and a stronger thesis.</p>

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<p>How about mine</p>

<p>Prompt:
“Given the importance of human creativity, one would think it should have a high priority among our concerns. But if we look at the reality, we see a different picture. Basic scientific research is minimized in favor of immediate practical applications. The arts are increasingly seen as dispensable luxuries. Yet as competition heats up around the globe, exactly the opposite strategy is needed.”</p>

<p>Is creativity needed more than even in the world today? Plan and write an essay in which you develop you point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and example from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.</p>

<p>Essay:
Human creativity is something that has always been valued, from ancient African dances to the works of Da Vinci and Picaso. To think that in today’s world creativity is just a luxury, the world may be doomed. Ever changing politics are needed to balance world power, and new diseases are being contracted all the time. Creativity also invokes pleasure and relaxation. In short, human creativity is vital in today’s world.</p>

<p>The world’s politics are always changing, and the leaders must be creative to come up with new and innovative solutions to problems. Without creativity, leaders would have at the disposal on the solutions of past leaders. While the situation may seem the same, the circumstances are undoubtedly different. This can be seen when the U.S. invaded Vietnam. These imperialistic tactics were similar to Teddy Roosevelt’s involvement in the Spanish American War, but has much more dire consequences. Obviously, a more creative solution to the problem would be been much more beneficial.</p>

<p>Creativity is also needed in medicine. Each year, the common cold and flu mutate, and old medicine is obsolete. Also, with the new scare of West Nile Virus, a completely new disease, scientists must be especially innovative. Without any creativity, the would be stuck in the old glut of medicine that was ineffective.</p>

<p>Lastly, creativity is pleasing to the mind and body. This may seem to be only a luxury, but it is actually essential in today’s world. Without it, people would just follow the same monotomous routines day after day, and quickly become bored with their lives Creativity is a great way to express your emotions and cleanse your body. For some, coming home after a stressful day may require just throwing all their energy and feelings into a painting, and for other it may include just listening to music, a prime example of creativity</p>

<p>In conclusion, creativity is a quitissential part of todays world. Without it, world politics would be in shambles, and humans would not be able to overcome new diseases. Creativity is also important in daily life, allowing people to relax and express themselves. I would hate to see the world without it’s creativity
(verbatim)</p>

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<p>collegehopeful123, buy the CB online course because it will grade your essays.</p>

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<p>Improperly using "it's" where the correct word is "its" will make your English teacher cry...</p>

<p>Picasso has two s's</p>

<p>Your second sentence is awkward (which is pretty bad, because you never want opening sentences to be awkward...they make a horrible first impression)</p>

<p>Quintessential, not quitissential, AND used improperly...quintessential's connotation leans more towards "perfect, heavenly"...quintessential is NOT derived from essential but rather from quintessence, or ether, which is the mythological substance of the celestial spheres.</p>

<p>West Nile virus...I don't think it's completely new, just new to US, but I'm not sure...</p>

<p>Second paragraph, second to last sentence: tense not maintained</p>

<p>Summary: Well structured essay and good arguments that are hindered by not-so-great spelling and grammar.</p>

<p>9/12 (which is what I got on my Writing SAT II)</p>

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<p>I used the rubric from collegeboard and your essay seems to be around a 9/10. Like other users have aforementioned, you really need to stengthen your personal stand on the issue. Also, refrain from using rhetorical questions on the essay...prove your point instead of asking for the reader to think about it.</p>

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<p>great advice. i'll try to narrow down the essay and use better word choices.</p>

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<p>Just one thing about the rubric...there's something that the rubric can't include, and that's the impression that the reader gets. According to the rubric, one malformed sentence shouldn't hurt you. If, however, that malformed sentence happens to be your opening sentence, the reader will become much more critical because of that horrid first impression. Similarly, if you incorrectly cite an incident that the reader has knowledge of, you may lose credibility and set the reader against you.</p>

<p>That said, poor spelling and grammar hurts you more than the rubric suggests, not because they themselves cause greater deductions, but because they set the reader against you.</p>