Please grade my essay--Adversity

<p>I badly need feedback. I took all the comments from my last essay posted here and tried to apply them....I don't know how well I succeeded though. I tried using the "formula" where each paragraph is its own concrete detail. I had six minutes left over at the end. </p>

<p>Please help me by leaving criticism/comments/etc. They are much appreciated!</p>

<p>College Board Blue Book Practice Essay 7</p>

<p>Prompt: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are?</p>

<p>My Response:</p>

<p>Despite the struggles we go through in the face of adversity, it is clear that ease does not challenge us and that such adversity is required for self-discovery. Adversity determines one's potential capabilites, strengthens personal values, and gives us a feeling of self-worth.</p>

<p>Adversity can help determine what one is truly able to do. For example, as a student, I moved through elementary and middle school with ease, generally bored by the slow pace and simple curriculum. As a high schooler, I now challenge myself by taking rigorous courses. When I took AP Physics and AP Chemistry together last year, I learned that I truly did possess the ability for time-manageent and could persevere in pushing myself to attain success. Without the hardhsip of these difficult classes, I would never have discovered myself competent enough for college coursework.</p>

<p>Besides defining capabilities, adversity also strenghtens personal values. In Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, main character Huck continually questions whether it is righteous and lawful to help a black slave escape. After several adventures and close calls with his runaway slave friend, Jim, Huck realizes that all humans deserve to be treated equally. Had Huck remained at home with his prejudiced white, adopted family, and never experienced a series of trials and tribulations with Jim, Huck never would have realized this concept of equality. He would have remained narrow-minded, with a different set of values. Thus, adversity sculpts moral character.</p>

<p>In addition to shaping moral values, adversity also establishes self-worth through providing us with a sense of purpose. In the Kite Runner, Amir goes into Afghanistan under the Taliban regime, as an adult, to rescue the son of his childhood friend, Hasan. By rescuing Hasan's son, Amir relieves himeself of the overwhelming guilt he had felt as a child who had watched Hasan get raped and did nothing to defend him. Through adversity; getting beaten up by the rapist; Amir encounters redemption. He no longer feels like a useless, worthless, and cowardly child after the struggle with this bully. Rescuing Hasan's son despite the physical and mental struggle invigorates Amir and infuses his life with significance. Adversity is essential to developing his self-worth.</p>

<p>Ease is comfortable and we are accustomed to is. Unfortunately, this stagnates change and character development. Though adversity may place heavy strains on us, it is clearly a fundamental obstacle that we must overcome on the path to true self-discovery.</p>

<p>Good essay with good examples. I see a couple of wording problems. The most serious is your very first sentence--the opening phrase beginning with "despite" doesn't really make sense in context and is unnecessary. Another is in the last paragraph--"stagnates" is not a transitive verb (at least, it's not normally used as one).</p>

<ul>
<li>clear thesis.</li>
<li>good topic sentence.</li>
<li>good example with school</li>
<li>good next topic sentence</li>
<li>good discussion (you connect example to topic sentence: Had Huck remained at home with his prejudiced white, adopted family, and never experienced a series of trials and tribulations with Jim, Huck never would have realized this concept of equality. He would have remained narrow-minded, with a different set of values. Thus, adversity sculpts moral character.)</li>
<li>clear third topic sentence.</li>
<li>Kite Runner! Hmm.. I see that book in bookstores a lot and it seems to be very popular; in fact I just saw someone reading it on the bus today. I've got to go read it. Didn't they make a movie out of it?</li>
<li><p>Good; I'm still a little confused. Was Amir beaten up by the racist, or was it just Hasan? Explain how Amir encounters redemption a bit more.</p></li>
<li><p>Conclusion: Yes, yes, yes. The whole essay is convincing and wonderful for only 25 minutes of writing.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>11-12.</p>

<p>thanks a lot, both of you=) this is a great self-esteem boost after my last essay post got completely ripped apart on CC, lol....</p>

<p>dchow, you absolutely should read kite runner if/when you have time, it is truly a wonderful book. </p>

<p>hasan was beaten up by the rapist as a kid while amir just watched and did nothing. later amir and his dad escape to america. now amir is an adult in his late-30's who goes back to afghanistan to rescue hasan's kid (after he hears that hasan was killed by the taliban) and gets beaten up in the process....kind of amir's way of finally attaining redemption.</p>

<p>With this topic, if I have no popular example and just use my personal experience, can I get good grade? I am really bad at brainstorming ideas, especially concrete example :(</p>

<p>^ yeah you can use personal experience and still get a good grade, but it has to be persuasive and complete the task. </p>

<p>As for this essay:
It was well written and I enjoyed reading your last 2 paragraphs I felt they were the strongest.However, I feel that your 1st example needs more detail and zest by adding that school became difficult and more study was require, but in the end you prevailed and achieved academic success, something along those lines. Anyways, good essay I’d give it a 5 out of 6. Can you grade my essay now? lol I’ll post it up</p>

<p>Guys, this thread is nearly two years old ;)</p>

<p>Rofl no way I just noticed. Wow I blame trangjolie :P</p>

<p>hy nice essay i like your thesis statement normally i have a problem writing a good thesis how did you manage that</p>