Please, grade my essay and help me improve!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>(NOTE: I wrote this 17 min, not going back to check. So there are some pretty big, bad errors.)</p>

<p>What other people do is the most significant force in driving change. Though our conscience can also be a factor, most times the idea of right/wrong comes from the society and people around us. The three following examples illustrate this point.</p>

<p>Once, I had decided to smuggle a bag of chips from a store; I had always done so before. When I came home, I didn't feel guilty at all. Later my brother realized I was doing this. He scolded me, and it was starting then that I felt something was wrong. Eventually, I decided to no longer steal chips from stores. Without my brother's advice, it was likely that I would not have changed my old ways.</p>

<p>An example I see often at school is the obsession over clothing. I myself am included in that category. A few weeks ago, I started liking a girl in my class. I wanted to look as good as possible for her. In addition, my friends encouraged me to ask her out. On the day I asked, I decided to make my presentation the best possible so that she'd be attracted to me. Not only has she indirectly driven me to be more occupied with my looks, society's preexisting notion that men must look nice to attract girls has provided an impetus too. Again, though not always direct, others have influenced me to change.</p>

<p>One final example was after school one day, my friends and I talked. It was over religious matters. My friend had just converted to Christianity; I had some time ago. Immediately, when I started talking about my obsession with my girlfriend, he stopped me, indicating that I'd better be focusing on God rather than her. Suddenly it struck me that he had been right, and it embarrassed me that a person who had just converted would teach me that lesson. From then on, I realized that I needed to put God first, and in fact many times he reminded me of that fact. I had been completely oblivious of my lack of faith; he had changed me that day.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I believe that peers and society have the most influence to change people, dominating other factors in our lives.</p>

2

<p>Prompt: Do changes that make our lives easier make them better?</p>

<p>(note: this was checked over and I used every minute I had, but I still found some blatant errors in the essay. Oh well.)</p>

<p>Changes that make our lives easier do not necessarily make our lives better. Even though our lives are made easier, unforeseen consequences can offset the advantage gained by the change. Three subsequent examples demonstrate this.</p>

<p>Though the personal computer has revolutionized the world by making what beforehand was an extremely difficult task easier, it has not necessarily improved our lives. I find myself using the computer more for procrastination than for research, and have spent multiple nights sleeping later than I should. In fact, this phenomenon has spread to many of my friends as well; they spend greater time on online chatting many nights than they do studying, and as a result, their sleep is insufficient often. As such, the quality of their life has markedly decreased. Originally designed to make tasks easier, the computer has introduced an unforeseen consequence of making putting off tasks easier as well.</p>

<p>The introduction of instant chat and the telephone has made talking with each other much easier. I see fellow classmates use cell phones all the time. However, as a byproduct, we have altogether become too attached to our phones, driving up our bills each month. Not to mention, this easiness of one-click talking has completely depersonalized relationships. Our dependence on online "chatting" has made us lose track of truly personal, one on one, talking, illustrating that the easiness of the telephone has actually done some harm to essential one-on-one communication skills.</p>

<p>Finally, the dawn of the industrial revolution provides the most striking contrast between easiness and betterness of life. Inventions such as the steam engine, the railroad, and the smokestack revolutionized industry and made many processes (e.g. transportation) easier. Products became mass-produced for the first time. Yet an unforeseen byproduct offset the new advantage. People flocked to the factories for jobs, only to find their wages minimal for sustenance, and hours almost unsuitable for a mere mortal. The increased population in the industrial cities brought greater crime, greater uncleanliness, and fast-spreading diseases. Air quality in the cities became atrocious due to soot and particulates emulating from the smokestacks. All in all, the industrial revolution brought an overall decrease in the quality of life for the people who flocked to industrial centers, that is the cities, despite making many processes easier.</p>

<p>In conclusion, changes that may seem positive in making things easier are not necessarily good, and may in fact unforeseenly harm us.</p>

3

<p>*right/wrong *</p>

<p>I'd laugh if someone actually wrote their essay on the actual SAT like that.</p>

<p>Though our conscience can also be a factor, **most times* the idea of right/wrong comes from the society and people around us.*</p>

<p>most of the time*</p>

<p>The three following examples illustrate this point.</p>

<p>Don't make generic pointless statements like this. They know examples are coming up, you don't need to remind them.</p>

<p>When I came home, I didn't feel guilty at all.</p>

<p>Don't use contractions when you write your essays. Actually spell them out.</p>

<p>When I came home, I didn't feel guilty at all. Later my brother realized I was doing this. He scolded me, and it was starting then that I felt something was wrong. Eventually, I decided to no longer steal chips from stores.</p>

<p>tbh this entire paragraph is pretty weak. The second and last sentences were the glaring negatives when I read it. It just sounded 4th grade (no offense).</p>

<p>An example I see often at school is the obsession over clothing. I myself am included in that category. A few weeks ago, I started liking a girl in my class. I wanted to look as good as possible for her. In addition, my friends encouraged me to ask her out.</p>

<p>This part is also pretty weak tbh. Lots of short sentences that could be easily molded together. </p>

<p>One final example was after school one day, my friends and I talked. It was over religious matters. My friend had just converted to Christianity; I had some time ago.</p>

<p>The sentence structure in the first sentence is horrible tbh. The second sentence could easily be molded with the first to make a compound sentence. The last sentence is just meh.</p>

<p>I would've written it something like this: (sorry if its not much better, I'm just trying to quickly give you some tips).</p>

<p>After school one day, my friends and I had an engaging coversation on religion. Although I have been a Christian for most of my life, I was overjoiced to learn that my best friend had just converted to Christianity.</p>

<p>In conclusion, I believe that peers and society have the most influence to change people, dominating other factors in our lives.</p>

<p>Don't stick sentences at the end of your essay randomly like that. I'd just put it at the end of your last para if you ran out time (like I'm assuming you did when you wrote this).</p>

4

<p>I just quickly scanned your first essay and I saw that you didn't use any literature/historic examples. imo you should always have some sort of lit/historic example that you can use for any/most essays already in the back of your head that you can manipulate to answer the essay. If you don't like doing it that way, then w/e do w/e you want. I've just been reading some prep books lately and they always seem to stress the literary/historic/etc examples.</p>

<p>If I was grading this, I'd probably give it a 3-4/6 or a 6-8/12. I'm harsh, but tbh I've seen much better. imo there's no need to be nice when grading you, you wanted feedback so I'm giving my input.</p>

<p><em>Regarding your conclusion sentence again</em></p>

<p>Also, don't use "In conclusion". That's the most overused/generic piece of crap phrase in history. Just think of a synonym for it, anything. Better yet, don't use any "in conclusion" period.</p>

<p>I would've written something like this (if I had written the essay you did):</p>

<p>Based on my experiences, I believe that the pressure from peers motivate people to change. The pressure from peers and society makes us feel self conscious, and therefore makes us desire to mold ourselves to meet our peers standards.</p>

5

<p>"If I was grading this, I'd probably give it a 3-4/6 or a 6-8/12. I'm harsh, but tbh I've seen much better. imo there's no need to be nice when grading you, you wanted feedback so I'm giving my input."</p>

<p>Don't be nice. :P Thanks for being honest. Have you read the Grammatrix essay tips? I pretty much followed that. And yes, my diction sorta sucked on the first one. Personally I think the second essay is much better, although I still struggled with writing coherently b/c scared of the time limit.</p>

<p>Specifically, the following problems you noted were tips from Grammatrix:</p>

<ol>
<li>Writing "three examples state point"</li>
<li>Writing a concluding sentence that restated thesis</li>
<li>Using personal examples</li>
</ol>

<p>Although I do agree, I should've put a historical/lit example for the first one. Again, thanks for the tips.</p>

6

<p>^ Ugh what I wrote for the conclusion sux, w/e I'm tired I'm going to bed. Hope that helped you in any way.</p>

<p>No I haven't read Grammatrix, I've read Gruber's and Barron's 2400.</p>

7

<p>I just read your edit llpitch. I've edited my writing strategies a bit after reading a bit more from Grammatrix and from varied people here. Just wrote another essay tonight. And yes, I'm taking the SAT in two days. O_O And yes, there are glaring errors in the essay. :(</p>

<p>Prompt: Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>The definition of hero these days is rather subjective. Some people consider heroes as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it. I, however, disagree with this point of view. Though having the courage to say what is on our mind is important, heroes from my vantage point do not just say, they do; actions speak louder than words.</p>

<p>Risking their lives to save others, firefighters during September 11th are widely considered to be heroes today. What defines their heroic act is not what was said. Rather, it was what they did: a selfless act that ultimately cost them their lives. Similarly, during the Firestorms of 2003 and 2007 in San Diego, firefighters risked life and limb to bring the fires to the halt. While it is a firefighter's "job" to do their duty, it is ultimately a personal choice to end up in a precarious situation for the sake of others. It is this selflessness which touches our senses, and it is this selflessness which allows our brains to think, "here is a hero". And thus it is this selflessness, and not necessarily courage to say something, which is the underlying principle of heroism.</p>

<p>Of course, selflessness need not be conspicuous. Sometimes the "smaller things in life" exemplify heroism the best. In contrast with speaking out, true heroes often don't make headlines. My 8th grade teacher was one such hero. After being absent for 3 weeks due to life-threatening pneumonia, she came back as joyful as ever, and continued to teach us while she was recuperating. To us students it seemed obvious she didn't let her illness set her back, and that her love of teaching and helping students came first. A small action, yes, but her actions led us to realize that her type is rare in the world today. Few would care for us as much as she did. Her actions spoke louder than any words she spoke to us.</p>

<p>Whether it be manifested in heroic firefighters who made national headlines, or in a teacher who simply cared for teaching, heroism can be defined and demonstrated in varied ways. However, let it be clear: having the courage to speak out is insufficient. Heroism is rooted in the character of altruism, and character speaks loudest in action, not mere words.</p>