PLEASE grade my essay? I dont know where i stand

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This is my first essay from a diagnostic test</p>

<p>Prompt: Is envy generally a positive or a negative force in people's lives?</p>

<p>Envy is often times the driving factor that pushes oneself to improve his or her condition. Throughout history, literature and personal experience, it is clear that envy serves as a strong motivational force for some to strive for a better life. </p>

<p>Throughout History are clear events when people used envy to push themselves to better their own situation. For example, the Wright brothers, Wilbur and Orville got their inspiration to fly by observing birds. At a very young age, both of the wright brothers were fascinated with birds and from then on dedicated their life to inventing a machine that would give them sustained flight. The Wright brothers built thousands of prototypes, yet thousands of prototypes failed to give them flight. Finally, the Wright brothers were able to invent a machine that allowed them to fly for 11 seconds. The Wright brothers' Jealousy of birds was the only thing that kept them from giving up even when all seemed lost, and in the end they sucessfully accomplished their lifes' goal.
In the novel, the Great Gatsby, the main character Jay Gatsby is constantly seen with an absurd amount of money, money that allowed him to live a privileged lifestyle that many millionaires would only dream of. Jay Gatsbys' money allowed him to own several luxurious cars, own a huge mansion, and throw weekly parties. One can only wonder how did Jay Gatsby amass all this wealth? Well, Jay Gatsby was not always rich. Later in the novel, the reader learns that Jay Gatsby had very humble beginnings. Gatsby was known as Jay Gatz and dropped out of college because he abhored his job as janitor, which paid for his tuition. Jay went to work on a dock and was taken in as an apprentice after saving a rich copper mongrel. Jay Gatz was fascinated with the lifestyle of the rich, and from then on dedicated himself to becoming rich. The envy of all the copper mongrel's money pushed Jay to use illegal sources to become rich and have the lifestyle he had always wanted.
Finally, from my personal experience, I can tell you that envy is a very good source of motivation. When I was very little, I went to a professional tennis match and envied all of the pros because they could play so flawlessly. After the game, I came home and started working to become even better than the tennis pros i saw. Jealousy pushed me to wake up early in the morning when my competition slept, jealousy pushed me to stay late on the tennis court even when everyone else left, and jealousy pushed me to keep working for it even when I felt like giving up. Now I have achieved my dream of being able to play at a high level of tennis. Without the envy I had, I would have quit tennis many years ago due to the frustrations and stress that it had caused.
History, literature, and personal experience all prove that envy serves as a major driving force for some to improve their position and condition in life. Although one may not be proud of envy leading them to success, one must admit that without it, the road to success would have appeared much more untenable. </p>

<p>Any feedback would be nice, appreciate it</p>

2

<p>anyone?? bumpps</p>

3

<p>Hi, your essay is quite solid. I would give you a 9+, very close to a 10. Here are somethings you might want to look at:</p>

<ol>
<li>Keep examples down to 2. In 25 minutes essay graders are not expecting a 5 body paragraph essay. 2 WELL DEVELOPED examples are amble. </li>
<li>Your first two examples were great, the third however was trivial. No offense, but the essay readers will not care about a sporting experience you had. </li>
<li>Sentence variation. Your syntax is plain at some points, try to use more variety. </li>
<li>Pace yourself, I’am incredulous that you manage to write all that in 25 minutes.</li>
</ol>

4

<p>I think that you have several problems of content in this essay. I realize that CB does not allow deductions for errors of fact, but they do allow deductions for “off-topic” writing.</p>

<p>Saying that the Wright brothers envied birds seems like a bit of a stretch to me. I suppose it works, but it has the feel of a prepared example, ready to drop into an essay with any prompt. I think the graders tend to be suspicious of this, so it’s not your best lead-off.</p>

<p>When it comes to The Great Gatsby, it is important to keep in mind that many of the graders are English teachers, and an incredibly large number of English classes include The Great Gatsby as assigned reading. This means that the essay graders may have been teaching The Great Gatsby for 20+ years, and they are familiar with it down to the last word. I think it is somewhat hazardous to use it as an example. In this case, you run into trouble, in my opinion, because it was the attempt to attract Daisy’s attention and win her love that motivated Gatsby, rather than envy of the rich. Again, you can get away with factual errors, but you would be better off making an error in an example about Frederick the Great, the Congress of Vienna, or the Treaty of Tilsit than making an error in an example about The Great Gatsby.</p>

5

<p>Also, the term “copper mongrel” I am assuming is a case of spell-check gone bad.</p>