Please Grade My Essay on Success

<p>Prompt:
"The old saying, 'be careful what you wish for,' may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once 'success' is achieved than they were before"</p>

<p>Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay...</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Throughout history, millions have fought, killed, and humiliated others for a chance at success. They have made it their life’s ambition and strived for glory in every area. Yet very few succeed completely and for many this ambition proves disastrous. Countless examples in history and literature have proven that success is sometimes painful or even deadly. The U.S. Civil War and the classic novel, Flowers for Algernon, exemplify the hidden disaster in success.</p>

<pre><code>In the U.S. Civil War, the Union managed to defeat the Confederates, but not without great cost. Throughout the course of the war, the South was ravaged. Railroads were destroyed, towns were sacked, and General Sherman’s march completely destroyed the city of Savannah. Millions of lives were lost and families were torn apart. Yet when the Union won and the nation was brought back together, the United States had to face the problem of a decimated country. It had to rebuild everything that had been destroyed. Adding insult to injury, disreputable northerners began taking advantage of the South’s situation and funneled money from the Reconstruction efforts into their own pockets. Thus, although the Union was preserved and success was obtained, the country was in total shambles. While the Civil War proved disastrous for the nation as a whole, individuals also suffered because of their success, much like the main character in Flowers for Algernon.

In the novel Flowers for Algernon, the main character, Charlie Gordon, is hampered by his success. Charlie begins the story as a mentally retarded middle aged man. He is frustrated by his condition and jumps at the opportunity to undergo an experimental procedure to increase his intelligence. The operation is successful, but nevertheless, Charlie suffers greatly. His intelligence spins out of control as his I.Q. becomes immeasurably high. He finds that he can no longer have meaningful relationships and thus goes into deep depression. Charlie soon dies alone and unhappy without any friends at all. In the end, even though Charlie’s operation was successful, he becomes completely unhappy.

Success is not always beneficial to those who acquire it. Ironically, it can lessen the greatest joys that come from obtaining it. As seen in the U.S. Civil war and Flowers for Algernon, success can prove disastrous for those involved. The civil war decimated the nation and the successful operation similarly destroyed Charlie’s happiness. Thus, in some instances, success can be wrought with disaster.
</code></pre>

<p>I'm taking my test on this coming saturday. I haven't had a chance to see how well my essay would be scored on the practice tests.
Please post he grade you would give me from 0-12 and any opinions on improvement</p>

<p>Thank you</p>

<p>Your essay is structured well, and your use of language is good. My main criticism is that the first example is not that great, because it suggests that it was not worth it for the Union to fight the Civil War–a conclusion that might be unpalatable to some readers (especially if they are “northerners”).
My other problem with this example is that I think this prompt is really angling for examples of personal success and disaster–to me, the obvious examples are people like Britney Spears, Kurt Cobain, Elvis Presley–people who achieved great success, but whose lives spiralled out of control.
The second example is better (although it’s not exactly accurate on how Flowers for Algernon ends, but that’s not supposed to matter).</p>

<p>thanks for your advice, much appreciated
i actually didnt even realize about the algernon thing
its funny because i remember initially wanting to include that he died but i was running low on time haha</p>

<p>but i see your point about the people that achived success
thanks again</p>