<p>The old saying, 'be careful what you wish for', may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves towards the achievement of one goal often find that their life are worse once 'success' is achieved than they were before. </p>
<p>Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>
<p>My essay:</p>
<p>Success is often referred to as a sign of victory, as proof of years of perseverance and tenacity. However, as illustrated in the examples below, success can lead to complacency, and this might result in disastrous corollaries. </p>
<p>The first example in which success can be seen as disastrous is Germanys victory in the World War One. Even though Germany was a much newer country with no prior experience in fighting a war, she managed to defeat all of her allied powers. The good that came out of the success, however, was short-lived. Other countries imposed upon Germany the Treaty of Versailles, which forced Germany to pay a large fine, to give up a percentage of their territory and to drastically decimate their army. This resulted in Germany becoming extremely humiliated, having had their power so severely abated. This treaty indirectly led to the rise of Hitler in the 1940s; the Hitler-run Germany was the epitome of prejudice and inhumanity. </p>
<p>Another example would be the plight of Esther in the novel The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. After doing everything she could in her power, she finally won the place of an editor for a prestigious fashion magazine and was relocated to New York City. Initially, she revelled in the fame that came with her new job, but it was just a matter of time before she realized the harsh realities and competitiveness of city life. Esthers life went through a downward spiral and her propensity to self-harm led to her admittance into a mental clinic. She cut of all connections with the outside world and essentially trapped herself in a bell jar.</p>
<p>The above examples illustrate how in some cases, success is only temporary; its aftermath may be so calamitous that it erodes the initial sense of success. Hence, it is absolutely true to say that success can be disastrous. </p>
<p>You have two solid examples, but you should think of adding another example or expanding even further on your second example regarding Ester. What self-harm did she do? What were the harsh realities exactly? </p>
<p>Remember - a longer essay often translates to a better grade on the SAT. </p>
<p>I say 9/12 because the essay is a little short, although solid on examples.</p>
<p>You introduced great examples and made very clear and concise conclusion and introduction (although I would get rid of the ; and use a separate sentence in your conclusion).</p>
<p>But like IceQube said, the essay was a little short. I also find the train of thought in the first example to be awkward. You used Germany’s victory as a success. Then you went on about the treaty of Versailles, forcing me to draw assumptions how the victory and the treaty of Versailles relates. Your first example can be greatly improved by introducing “Germany’s defeat” as an insert between Germany’s initial victory and treaty of Versailles. Skipping a bridge step can make your readers confused about what you’re trying to say. I would also get rid of the Hitler part as you’ve already proven your point and mentioning Hitler is somewhat off-topic (example you set = WWI not WWI + WWII). However, you can use Hitler as your 3rd example.</p>
<p>Thank you for your responses! And wow, I wrote that essay thinking the whole time that Germany had won the WW1 when it as the allies that did. I should have rephrased that to say that Germany enjoyed a lot of success during the initial years of the war, but that success eventually translated to failure when they lost and had to comply with the terms of the TOV. </p>
<p>Ignoring the fact that Germany DIDN’T win the first world war… any more graders? :)</p>
<p>You are actually not counted down for factual inaccuracies in your examples, but having obvious false information can mislead your readers (like in my case). </p>
<p>Referring back to your essay, you said</p>
<p>“Germany the Treaty of Versailles, which forced Germany to pay a large fine, to give up a percentage of their territory and to drastically decimate their army”</p>
<p>This is inconsistent with your statement that “Germany won the war” as “winners shouldn’t be the one who pay the large fines”. That is why I was confused.</p>