Please grade my essay

If I’m posting in the wrong place or if there’s an essay exchange thread please let me know.
Prompt: http://imgur.com/YlU7Ypy
Essay:
Page 1: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2s0jr7c&s=8
Page 2: http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=vfi2ba&s=8

(note the word cut off at the bottom right of the first page should be “they”)
Please offer critique and some sort of reason why you gave the score you did/suggestions for improvement.
Thanks!

Whoops, looks like links are no good. fill in imgur . com in the ****. sorry about that.