<p>I'd appreciate any insight/advice you guys could provide.
I'm really trying to improve my essay (I only got an 8 on my 1st SAT). I have a hard time producing examples and transitioning from paragraph as well writing the intro and conclusion.. </p>
<p>** Do people place too much emphasis on winning?**</p>
<pre><code> Winning drives people to achieve new heights and accomplish feats never before done. If there was no emphasis on winning, many of our olympic world records would be significantly less impressive. As evidenced by Michael Phelps and his olympic achievements and my cousin's experience of entering a writing competition, inordinate emphasis upon winning is not misplaced.
In the recent Olympics in China, Michael Phelps set a world record by winning eight gold medals in swimming, a feat never before accomplished by anyone. However, in his first Olympics, Phelps didn't even win a bronze medal, but afterwards Phelps became obsessed with winning a medal in the olympics. To accomplish this goal, Phelps subjected himself to harsh training, lasting up until his next Olympics. With the goal of winning in his mind, Phelps blew the world away with his performance.
Though the importance of winning is evidenced by Phelps, a world-class athlete, it is also evidenced by my cousin. When my cousin entered a national writing competition, he placed fourth, and was consequently only commended, but not rewarded the prize. Needless to say, he was disappointed by these results as he wanted to showcase his talents as a writer, a vocation he planned to pursue in the future. With the idea of winning in his mind, my cousin reentered the competition the following year, placing first in it.
The emphasis we place on winning helps us accomplish new feats and push ourselves past our limits as shown by Phelps and his eight medals as well as my cousin and his placement in the competition. "Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars."
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<p>I think that this essay should be scored around an 8. I believe the areas you should focus most on improving are crafting a strong introduction and choosing stronger examples. A strong introduction and strong examples generally equate into a strong essay. </p>
<p>If you don't feel confident in your introductions, you might want to use a simple, powerful introductory structure I call the CABE structure, standing for Contradiction-Assertion-Because-Examples. You begin with the "contradiction," presenting the opposite side of what you wish to say. Then you transition with a "however" into YOUR assertion and follow with a "because" statement that narrows down your thesis to a specific point. Then you quickly describe your examples. The key is for your thesis to be narrow and specific. </p>
<p>If you follow this structure, you will write a strong introduction the vast majority of the time. Here's a simple introduction I wrote up right now for this prompt:</p>
<p>Some, warning against the dangers of greed and obsession, consider winning a poisoned fruit (CONTRADICTION). However, the concept of victory has the power to make an incredible positive impact on society (ASSERTION). Winning drives people to achieve new heights and accomplish feats never before accomplished. If there were (remember subjunctive mood here) no emphasis on winning, individuals would not be driven to the pinnacles of achievement. (BECAUSE) This is evidenced by...(EXAMPLES)</p>
<p>As for examples, try to focus more on historical and literary examples, which are generally considered stronger. Think about the works you've read in school in English and the events you've learned about in US History or World History. Make a mental note to prepare 5-6 events and 5-6 literary works that you can use as examples.</p>
<p>I vote for an 8 too. It is a well-structured, well-written piece. But it needs more fleshing out.</p>
<p>Linking: I see you tried. But you need to use more "forceful" linkages. For example the first sentence of the second example serves to bridge the two but it does little more than restate the two examples. How about something like "Focusing on winning can help ordinary people just as much as it helps extraordinary super-achievers"?</p>
<p>Content: I didn't practise much prior to the SAT, but I focused on the 3-example structure. This ensures you have at least a certain amount of content. Perhaps a wider-scope (ie historical or literary) example. As the two examples you listed focus on individuals.</p>
<p>I agree with rice on prepping example before.</p>
<p>shiomi just a quick question, the introduction streamedrice wrote:
Some, warning against the dangers of greed and obsession, consider winning a poisoned fruit (CONTRADICTION). However, the concept of victory has the power to make an incredible positive impact on society (ASSERTION). Winning drives people to achieve new heights and accomplish feats never before accomplished. If there were (remember subjunctive mood here) no emphasis on winning, individuals would not be driven to the pinnacles of achievement. (BECAUSE) This is evidenced by...(EXAMPLES)</p>
<p>What is the thesis? Is thesis the assertion? or the because statement?</p>
<p>I believe the thesis is the assertion, because it labels your position on the matter and the because is basically additional details explaining why...
I think..</p>