please grade my first essay=)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Should people take more responsibility for solving problems taht affect their communities or the nation in general?</p>

<pre><code>Many people castigate the government because of the current recession, war, poverty, and so on. Shouldn't the people be blamed for these problems instead? First of all, it is their community. There have been instances when people have taken their own intiatives to solve problems in their community. In Watership Down, the protagonists in became intolerant of their societies and brought about change. Also, the common fold in the Progressive Era fixed their own commnial prolems. People should take more responsiblity for solving problems that affect their societies.
For example, In Watership Down, Addams portrays the rabbits, Fiver and Hazel, as humans within thie own society through the use of versimilitude. These protagonists realized taht their warrn was corrupted by officals who took advantage of weaker rabbits. Fiver has a dream about upcoming dangers in teh warren. Fiver's clairvoyant prediction engenders him and Hazel to gather rabbits and find a new home. Later on FIver's vision comes true. Because Fiver and Hazel became intolderant of the corruptions within their socitey, they took their own initiatives to move homes and to start a better idealistic life. Fiver and Hazel's actions fixed the problems that existed on their fir warren.
Likewise, during the early 1900's, the common fold took action against the corruptions of big businesses. During this Progressive Era, common fold known as muckrakers, took on the responsiblities of fixing the communities problems. They drew cartoons taht exposed the unfair monopoies, ubiquitous fraud, and nefarious labor abuse. Soon enough, legislations were passed in order to fix the corruptions in society. The muckrakers in the Progressive Era were able to solve the communities problems by taking on responsibilities.
Finally, it is evident taht people should take on more responsibilities to fix the communitiesp roblems. Fiver and Hazel's intiavtive to find a new warren with peace and happiness proved to solve the problems of abuse and harrassment. SImilary, the muckrakers of the Progressive Era, caused legislations to be passed which fixed the corruptions of socirty. People should take on more responsiblity in order to solve proeblems in their communities. If they don't, who else will?
</code></pre>

<p>This is exactly how i wrote the essay, besides the speelling errors</p>

2

<p>7/12.</p>

<p>You throw in literary terms and larger words to, it seems, appear more analytical. The spelling errors are very distracting at times, so I am not positive how it would otherwise read. The content is decent- the examples accurate. However, you do need to have a clear separation between introduction, support #1, support #2, and conclusion. SAT readers grade based on a rubric. Having clearly defined paragraphs as well as topic sentences will greatly increase your score.</p>

<p>Sorry if this seems critical, I’m just trying to throw out ideas</p>

3

<p>i did seperate my intro, bodies, and conclusion. i put in spaces but then it came out as one big thing.</p>

<p>plus i did not make the speelling errors in the actual thing. i will fix it here.</p>

<p>Many people castigate the government because of the current recession, war, poverty, and so on. Shouldn’t the people be blamed for these problems instead? First of all, it is their community. There have been instances when people have taken their own intiatives to solve problems in their community. In Watership Down, the protagonists became intolerant of their societies and brought about change. Also, the common folk in the Progressive Era fixed their own communial prolbems. People should take more responsiblity for solving problems that affect their societies.</p>

<p>For example, In Watership Down, Addams portrays the rabbits, Fiver and Hazel, as humans within their own society through the use of versimilitude. These protagonists realized that their warren was corrupted by officals who took advantage of weaker rabbits. Fiver has a dream about upcoming dangers in the warren. Fiver’s clairvoyant prediction engenders him and Hazel to gather rabbits and find a new home. Later on FIver’s vision comes true. Because Fiver and Hazel became intolerant of the corruptions within their socitey, they took their own initiatives to move homes and to start a better idealistic life. Fiver and Hazel’s actions fixed the problems that existed on their first warren.</p>

<p>Likewise, during the early 1900’s, the common folk took action against the corruptions of big businesses. During this Progressive Era, common folk known as muckrakers, took on the responsiblities of fixing the communities problems. They drew cartoons that exposed the unfair monopoies, ubiquitous fraud, and nefarious labor abuse. Soon enough, legislations were passed in order to fix the corruptions in society. The muckrakers in the Progressive Era were able to solve the communities problems by taking on responsibilities.</p>

<p>Finally, it is evident that people should take on more responsibilities to fix the communities problems. Fiver and Hazel’s intiative to find a new warren with peace and happiness proved to solve the problems of abuse and harrassment. SImilary, the muckrakers of the Progressive Era, caused legislations to be passed which fixed the corruptions of society. People should take on more responsiblity in order to solve problems in their communities. If they don’t, who else will?</p>

4

<p>bump… please grade?</p>

5

<p>I agree, 7/12</p>

<p>-You need a clear thesis. The first sentence of your intro paragraph should be your thesis. Don’t start summarizing the body paragraphs in your intro.
-You need to be more specific when in your examples. Don’t summarize the plot of Watership Down. Instead, directly relate how the book answers the question.
-Don’t use contractions
-Don’t use phrases like “and so on” and “common folk”
-Don’t use big SAT words just for the sake of it. It usually comes off as awkward.</p>

<p>If you change what I’ve recommended I think you can earn a much higher score. The rest of your writing is great. These are the only things holding it back.</p>

6

<p>thank you. </p>

<p>but i learned that you need to put your thesis at the end of the intro. and a teacher taht graded cb tests said that i need to just include waht examples i will be using in the intro without going into depth. also can you clarify your 2nd point. and when should i use sat words</p>

7

<p>8/12, 9/12 on a good day.</p>

8

<p>“-Don’t use contractions
-Don’t use phrases like “and so on” and “common folk”
-Don’t use big SAT words just for the sake of it. It usually comes off as awkward.”</p>

<p>Are the only ones that I agree with from chococookie. And in your intro, you don’t have to explain the examples, rather just mention them "This [thesis] is evident in _________ and _______.</p>

<p>Leaning towards 9/12</p>

9

<p>waht can i do to make it at least a 5/6</p>

10

<p>No, I mean, your thesis should be your introduction. If you really want more of an intro than that, add 1-2 additional sentences max before your thesis. Seriously, long intros don’t work as well. At least, that seems to be the general consensus. </p>

<p>As for the Watership Down comment, perhaps I’m just confused because I never read the book. Forgive me.</p>

11

<p>my thesis is in the intro. its the last sentence</p>