<p>Hi 
Here are some quick tweaks that I recommend. I’ll bracket the recommended changes and use square brackets to indicate comments. For parts that are redundant I will point them out with the <> signs.</p>
<p>Potential leaders are those that (whom) are not afraid to admit their mistakes and are flexible. [Good! You stated your thesis :)] We <are able="" to=""> witness this from the book <of> (The) Hunger Games and from the life of Steve Jobs.</of></are></p>
<p>Katniss Everdeen, <a fictional="" character="">[Putting this, though factual actually decreases the persuasiveness of the essay because a reader may infer that this example is not realistic. You have to convince readers that this point is realistic in order to make your argument strong] from the book “(The) Hunger Games” written by Suzanne Collins is a strong leader. Her dad [Father sounds more formal] passed away when she was <still at="" a="" very="">(of a) young age, leaving her with her sister and <her> mom [Mother sounds more formal]. Ever since <the>(her) father’s death, Katniss has taken up the role of her dad (father) to support the family. Katniss <has> proved (proves) <to us=""> how flexible she was (is)</to></has></the></her></still></a><a href=“by”>always use present tense when describing events or characters from a book</a> taking up the role <as>(of) the head of the house. In the later part of the book, Katniss had to [she had to? I thought she volunteered as tribute. Remember the famous quote “I volunteer as tribute”?] sacrifice <her own="" self="">(herself) <to replace="">(in place of) her sister in (the) Hunger Games. <her action="" portray<ed="">(s) how she performed a changing point to save her sister from having a chance to die.>[This phrase does not seem very coherent. I recommend revising it] Katniss’ flexibility <has proven="">(proves) <how great="" a="" leader="" she="" is.="">(that she is a great leader)[Keep your sentences smooth flowing.] </how></has></her></to></her></as></p>
<p>Steve Jobs was the founder of <the “apple”="" company=""> [‘the company “Apple”’ would sound better here]. It is prominent [evident may be a better word here but oh well. Prominent works too] to us that he was an outstanding leader. <in discovering="" a="" new="" product,="" many="" experiments="" had="" to="" be="" conducted.="">[Sounds a bit jarring to the ears. I recommend revision of this sentence if possible] Imagine (what would happen) if Steve Jobs had <not agree="" to=""> work(ed) <on> (by using) the trial and error method, <and> (but) instead repeat<s>(ed) the same failure expecting miracles to happen<,>(; ) <maybe>(it could be that) <even today="">(till this day), there (still) would not be any “Apple” products produced.[Whoa big jump between these two statements. Maybe a linking/transitioning sentence would be good] Steve Jobs is one of the greatest role model in terms of his leadership, therefore we certainly should not hesitate to follow his footsteps. </even></maybe></s></and></on></not></in></the></p><s>
<p>Having flexibility is one of the key points <to being="">(of) a strong leader. Without being flexible in conduct<s>, one might <just> remain stagnant <in> where one fails. A leader is one who is not afraid to admit <one’s> mistakes. A flexible leader is a wise and potential leader. [Hmm does not flow very smoothly.]</one’s></in></just></s></to></p><s>
<p>Alright here’s the verdict:
- I appreciate your use of the example I used when I wrote an essay responding to this question. (lol) With the benefit of hindsight (haha get it, that’s my username), I now see that Steve Jobs is a rather hackneyed/trite/banal example. Though, you will not get penalized for common examples, it will not look good either. If possible I recommend you use an unwonted example instead. In that case, you will appear to be more intellectual and also, if you made a mistake in context (as you did (based on inference from whatever you did) in the example on THE Hunger Games), the examiner will not know; this will save you the possibility of giving a bad impression.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Unfortunately when I read the essay, I felt that significant parts of it did not flow smoothly and there was a plethora of grammar mistakes (Yay, I get to practice identifying sentence error questions). Don’t despair or feel negative though. I think most of them are just careless slips. While some others, like the idiomatic errors (e.g. key points OF being… not key points in being…) have to be addressed. I recommend the book Grammar Smart by the Princeton Review, if you want to fix these grammatical mistakes thoroughly. (Don’t worry I use it and it’s not intolerably boring dreary.)</p></li>
<li><p>Another thing I noticed was the use of several redundant phrases. I pointed out most of them in my review but I think that you should practice abridging your sentences and getting rid of superfluous words. (Grammar Smart does a decent job while SAT 2400 by Barron’s gives a list of common redundancy errors)</p></li>
<li><p>I also strongly recommend you boost the vocabulary level of your essay as it is currently sitting on a rudimentary (basic) or mediocre level. Try to get some level 3 or preferably level 4 or 5 vocabulary words into your writing. (however, in doing so, please make sure that you understand how to use the words properly otherwise this WILL BACKFIRE).</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Ok that’s about it for feedback and now for the REAL VERDICT:
Firstly, please note that you have potential to improve and are making the mistakes that almost everyone else makes. You should heed my advice (as should I) and try to fix these mistakes as they cost you dearly even though your argument was above average. With corrections to your grammar and a few scattered level 3 words, I would have given this a 4/6 (8/12). With a few well positioned level 4 or 5 words and perfect grammar you would have gotten between a 9 and 10. However, with the current mistakes that overwhelm the essay, I think it is only deserving of a 2/6 from me (4/12). However, be optimistic and take away the feedback I gave you and perfect your grammar and vocal so that your next essay could be much better. </p>
<p>Thanks for reading this lengthy review and have a nice day :)</p>
</s></s>