Please grade my SHORT personal essay...

College Essays
1

<p>...and harsh constructive criticism would be appreciative.</p>

<pre><code> Happiness
</code></pre>

<p>--- Bliss and contentment: both under the ambiguous umbrella of happiness. Depression and sadness: both raining down on earth every millisecond of the day. In life, you have the choice of either being happy or unhappy, but it takes great effort to achieve high levels of happiness.<br>
--- For the last two years, I have transformed myself, my identity, my personality, and my future goals due to one word: life. Life is an intimidating word. Life is a beautiful word. Life, in itself, is a constant struggle between positive and negative subconscious thoughts. Self-discovery is the first step into the direction of bliss.<br>
--- Two years ago I dropped out of Neumann University due to unhappiness. I proceeded to get a job in real estate, quit, got a job in retail, and quit. Depressing? Yes and no, because I learned tremendously about myself psychologically, spiritually, physically, and socially from my errors. Business-minded to artistically inclined, shy to outgoing, baggy clothes to slim fit attires. From not knowing my direction or who I am, to specifically knowing my personality type (INFJ) and purpose.<br>
--- 730 days ago, I had dreams of becoming a general manager of an NBA team. 24 months ago, I thought of investing extrinsically on materials and money. 1 year ago, I realized who I was, and now…I will take the first step; a footstep into a blazing and expanding future, which I hope to commence at Hunter College.
--- Expressionism + Altruism = my purpose in life. Acting, drawing, photography, writing, and dancing encapsulate my definition of expressionism. Volunteering, mentoring, and counseling encompass my meaning of altruism.<br>
--- Your college offers all of it, especially psychology and theatre which I intend on majoring and minoring. If you were to accept my admission to Hunter College, I will become the leader, the catalyst and success story of your college. I am confident because I have learned from my mistakes during my first two years at my previous university, and life outside of school. To attend your college would mean to invest intrinsically, on my education, my future, but quintessential…blissfulness.</p>

2

<p>You will probably get into Hunter if you have the stats for it but that essay does not stand out AT ALL. I am not saying it will hurt your chances. However, it will not help them either.</p>

3

<p>There is an Essay forum here where you should post if you want critiques. But don’t post essays in forums, where they can be searched and never erased. Ask for readers and PM those volunteers. See how they do it in the essay forum. But imo, this essay is a hot mess. You need help.</p>

4

<p>You have a distinctive style, which is very, very good. </p>

<p>But there’s something missing. The first paragraph attempts to be profound but I’m not sure it works. I think the metaphor you used is worth keeping, but also working on.</p>

<p>I really like most of your second paragraph. I think characterizing life as the management of subconscious thoughts is a bit off, though. I also think your second paragraph might make a better introduction than what you already have. I dunno.</p>

<p>Third paragraph is written pretty well and you should keep most of it. However, devoting more of the essay to providing a more vivid picture of your metamorphosis might make your essay more compelling.</p>

<p>Your fifth paragraph’s first sentence is a little problematic. It doesn’t keep clear its connection between the paragraphs that come before and after it that the other paragraphs do, and its use of mathematical symbols seems misplaced and even distracting without a math metaphor nearby to justify it.</p>

<p>I’d replace blissfulness with happiness because the former has connotations of indulgence that the other doesn’t. And maybe refer to yourself as “a leader, a catalyst, a success story”.</p>

<p>And that’s all I got. Try out whichever idea you think is worth it.</p>

5

<p>Oh right, key thing:</p>

<p>Your essay mentions something negative about you. Essays that do this must always, always, always convince the reader that there is either 1) something else about you that makes this trivial or 2) turns this negative to a positive.</p>

<p>Your essay attempts 2) but not in a sufficiently convincing way. That’s really dangerous because all the colleges will have to remember you by is as a girl who quit a lot and is now looking for a second chance. Which isn’t a great image to market.</p>