Please grade this essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>Assignment: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Some changes may be intended to make our lives easier, but may also cause trouble because of the ways that people make use of these changes. Innovations such as the computer, which was intended to make life more convenient, have brought about a completely new set of problems for society.</p>

<p>The computer is one of the most popular innovations yet. It is used world-wide for things like word processing, financial analysis, software design, and chatting. Although the computer has made life extremely convenient for nearly everyone, it has caused new problems to arise. Such problems are credit card theft, sexual predators, and privacy invasions through viruses. These new problems have caused plenty of concern to today's society, especially to parents. Parents have become skeptical about their childrens' safety; the threat to a child's safety over the Internet has been revealed through shows such as "How to Catch a Predator," where decoys over the Internet, who disguise themselves as children, trick online predators into coming over to a house for an "escapade." Little do these predators know that they are merely walking into a trap, where they will be questioned about their illegal actions, and arrested. The computer may be fun and convenient but it has exposed peoples' privacy, as well as their safety.</p>

<p>I am also affected by the computer and it's tendencies to expose an individual's privacy. For one, I think twice before I hand over any personal information, where it be in person, or on the computer. I know for a face that anyone can disseminate information over the Internet with ease, and also know that my privacy can be easily invaded just by surfing the web on the computer. The computer, although making my life a lot easier, has caused me to take a lot of extra precautions in order to keep my privacy safe.</p>

<p>Indeed some changes may make our lives easier, but these changes come with their drawbacks. One must be willing to accept these changes with a side-dish of problems.</p>

2

<ol>
<li>too short</li>
<li>Better than last one I read…</li>
<li>diction/syntax better, buts till needs some work</li>
<li>examples are the exact same thing</li>
<li>TOO SHORT!!!</li>
</ol>

<p>Oh, 7-8/12</p>

3

<p>Can you specifically show me where I could have probably improved the diction/syntax?</p>

4

<p>“Such problems are credit card theft, sexual predators, and privacy invasions through viruses. These new problems have caused plenty of concern to today’s society, especially to parents.”
“Such problems are…” is highly awkward. These 2 sentences need to be combined. </p>

<p>“For one, I think twice before I hand over any personal information, where it be in person, or on the computer.”
Should this be “for once?” As used, “For one” breaks the flow of the sentence. </p>

<p>Diction is just a bit simple… I don’t know how to explain it. If the essay was longer with maybe a different example and a bit more analysis I would’ve given it a higher score. As is, even a few errors stand out in the essay.</p>

5

<p>For others who read this essay, I just noticed I made a few typos : </p>

<p>Paragraph 3 - “where” should be “whether”, “face” should be “fact”</p>

6

<p>Okay, the stuff i bolded means you can take it out. all comments are also in bold.</p>

<p>Some changes may be intended to make our lives easier, but may also cause trouble** because of the ways that people make use of these changes.** Innovations such as the computer, which was intended to make life more convenient, have brought about a completely new set of problems for society.</p>

<p>**the essay is WAY too short. you need to add much more if you are going to use only 2 examples. the examples should be STRONG. also, try to add more to the intro. **</p>

<p>try to use a literal and a historical example. avoid personal examples unless you are super specific and a great story teller/writer. for instance, you can use the emancipation proclamation intended to create a unified state and abolish slavery once and for all. only it created anti-black/discrimination groups (KKK) etc. and resulted in hatred. the fact that the topic is so broad, allows a variety of examples to be used. if computer is the best you can do, you should go read and research more.</p>

<p>The computer is one of the most popular innovations yet. It is used world-wide for **things like (avoid using the word things)**word processing, financial analysis, software design, and chatting. Although the computer has made life **extremely WC use a different word. extremely is the same as very…**convenient for nearly everyone, it has caused new problems to arise. Such problems are credit card theft, sexual predators, and privacy invasions through viruses. These new problems have caused plenty of concern to today’s society, especially to parents. Parents have become skeptical about their childrens’ safety; the threat to a child’s safety over the Internet has been revealed through shows such as “How to Catch a Predator,” where decoys over the Internet, who disguise themselves as children, trick online predators into coming over to a house for an “escapade.” Little do these predators know that they are merely walking into a trap, where they will be questioned about their illegal actions, and arrested. The computer may be fun and convenient but it has exposed peoples’ privacy, as well as their safety.
** don’t be general… you could have used a more specific current event like "Privacy has been invaded multiple times through the Internet. Recently, a myspace user was deceived through another user. blah blah. the more specific you are, the more smart you sound. it makes you seem informed. **
I am also affected by the computer and it’s tendencies to expose an individual’s privacy. For one, I think twice before I hand over any personal information, where it be in person, or on the computer. I know for a [face (eh?)that anyone can disseminate information over the Internet with ease, you put a comma before and when there are two independent clauses. and also know that my privacy can be easily invaded just by surfing the web on the computer. The computer, although making my life a lot easier, has **a computer cant cause you to do something. wc.**caused me to take a lot of extra precautions in order to keep my privacy safe.</p>

<p>Indeed some changes may make our lives easier, but these changes come with their drawbacks. One must be willing to accept these changes with a side-dish of problems.</p>

<p>meh… id give u a 2/6</p>