Please grade this SAT essay!

<p>Assignment: Can a situation that at first seemed unpromising lead to positive results?</p>

<p>All beautiful things have small beginnings. When someone has an idea, he or she builds on it and this ongoing process eventually leads to the creation of something beautiful, or in other words, he or she achieves what he or she intended to achieve. </p>

<p>People say that every obstacle can be turned into an opportunity and this simple phrase is true to quite a large extent. Ultimately, our success depends on our attitude towards things. </p>

<p>Five years ago, my cousin was jokingly, yet unfairly identified as the frog in the family due to her mediocre singing abilities. However, now, she is a lead soprano in a local choir. This was made possible due to sheer effort and determination on her part. Convinced that she could sing, my cousin undertook voice training and piano classes subsequently. She was pressed for time and had to juggle between Sociology classes, part time work at an orphanage, and music classes. However, she admirably rose to the challenge and was consistent in her attendance. Thus, she was able to develop her musical being and, like the caterpillar, the frog metamorphosised into a canary! </p>

<p>It is important to not be overcome by ones difficulties. As difficult as it is to do, one must maintain a positive air when carrying out an endeavour, despite the obvious struggles involved. </p>

<p>Organization has always been one of my key skills. However, when people lose faith in me, I lose faith in myself, and I am therefore not able to perform to my utmost abilities. At the beginning of my senior year in high school, my class decided to organize a concert in which several prominent local bands would perform. However, due to disputes between members in higher ranks, things did not look bright and the concert was about to be canceled as it weighed heavily on the authorities' pockets. As the organizer of the event, I felt powerless and lost faith in myself. A few weeks later, one of my closest friends pitched in an idea. She suggested that we host a concert after a fund raiser that was scheduled to happen a week later, and that we utilize the funds collected for the concert. Two weeks later, the concert was held and was a complete success. We earned almost Rs.150,000, which is a large sum in local terms. Thus, despite unpromising beginnings, a little extra push led to positive results.</p>

<p>You need to print your essay out, double spaced, and correct it before you ask anyone else to fix your errors. (In other words, I see minor errors, but I won’t fix them.) But I will say this:</p>

<p>If you are applying to an American school, translate the money mentioned into dollars, and clarify what country you’re in. </p>

<p>Would you ever start a sentence with “Thus” in "real life? No. So don’t do it on your essay.</p>

<p>And no passive voice, please.</p>

<p>^^ Plum, the OP isn’t supposed to proofread an essay that’s supposed to be written under timed conditions.</p>

<p>I use “thus” in real life. I wonder what ProfessorPlum would make of me?</p>

<p>Don’t do monetary conversions! Stay true to yourself and your roots. (American schools aren’t looking for wanna-be Americans, they are looking for a diverse population of students and LOVE to have internationals on campus. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because this isn’t an application essay, it is a SAT essay!) When relating a personal story it is completely appropriate to use local currency figures, and you even clarified that it was locally a large sum.</p>

<p>Gregory, the OP asks for this essay to be “graded.” It seemed that the best way for the poster to see errors is to do as I suggested. I saw the OP as a teachable moment, and I’ll bet the OP did not complete it in real time. </p>

<p>tocollege, since you’re not asking for essay feedback, I have no opinion about you or your use of the word “thus.” Sorry. It’s artificial in this context, and good writers learn when/whether transitions are needed. Many students are taught in high school to be sure to use “therefore” or “thus” in their essays, rather than having their verbs and nouns drive their writing.</p>

<p>I teach writing to a stunningly diverse group of college freshmen and rising juniors. My students get the best writing scores on standardized essay tests of all freshmen in our multi-campus urban university system. Their ethnic identities are quite intact. So don’t scold me, you silly creature. Doing a monetary conversion here shows the reader(s) that the OP has a grasp of both worlds. Is that bad? </p>

<p>It’s quite a leap to intimate that my corrections would cause the OP to somehow be false to his/her “roots.” What “matters” is that the OP wants to be a better writer, as is evident from the tone of the piece.</p>

<p>I am indeed a silly creature, ProfessorPlum, thank you for noticing! I would never scold you, dear professor. My comments were directed to the OP, not you. I am sorry you were so hurt.</p>

<p>I wasn’t hurt. And this isn’t about you. Stop trying to make it so.</p>

<p>Dear ProfessorPlum, as you adressed some of your comments directly to me, it would have been rude of me not to respond. I am so relieved to hear you were not hurt. I was quite concerned.</p>

<p>this essay’s ok in my opinion, but i think it’s more effective to use literary/cultural examples to prove your point. I got a 12 on my sat essay and i use the battle of thermopylae, great expectations and some other book to prove that “the effort in failure is never lost”. (or some prompt like that). </p>

<p>I’m not saying you can’t get a great score without using a literary/cultural example, but that was just my first observation. I agree with ‘tocollege’ leave it in the local currency, but i also agree with plum in that you shouldn’t use passive voice. and maybe organize your essay a little better so that these random essay graders don’t get annoyed or anything–believe me, the smallest things in the world make the biggest difference to them just because they have to read SO many essays. </p>

<p>anyway-hope that helps. </p>

<p>ps if you literally looking for a grade, i’d say it would get a cumulative score of 9 or so.</p>

<p>Plum vs. tocollege!</p>

<p>I don’t care who wins, frankly, but can we please have a juicy battle? :D</p>

<p>To add to the fire, Plum – how can you deduce with such certainty that this essay wasn’t written under timed conditions? I always wanted to be that clairvoyant.</p>

<p>This board is so much fun ;)</p>

<p>Haha this is hilarious. I love what I seem to have sparked off. :smiley:
Jokes aside, is the use of the word “thus” incorrect? I’m doing my SAT this Saturday and this is getting me really nervous…
Also, ProfessorPlum, this essay WAS written under timed conditions - it took a little less than 25 minutes.. How much do you reckon I would score with an essay of this quality?
Thanks everyone by the way..this was entertaining :P</p>

<p>the big match!
tocollege vs. professorplum
coming soon!</p>

<p>i’ll put 10 bucks on tocollege</p>

<p>Hehehe. </p>

<p><em>Microphone descends from the heavens</em></p>

<p>I’m keeping the bets. College vs plum, we have 1:3 odds here people! That’s right, college and his/her touche style is the favorite for now!</p>

<p><em>Microphone ascends to the heavens</em></p>

<p>@JanoBano</p>

<p>Nice essay. I give it a 10-11, but the score tends more to an 11. I got a little thrill while reading about the metamorphosis in the third paragraph. The metaphor used is well chosen and crafted beautifully to suit the idea.</p>

<p>By the way, you used the monetary unit Rupee. Where are you from? India? Mauritius?</p>

<p>It is better to use examples from literature or history, you have no solid examples</p>

<p>Oh dear. I neglected to sign on for a few days and… A battle? I had no idea! I went out of my way to be polite to the dear professor, and he/she assured me he/she was not injured in any way! I thought the professor and I were on our way to becoming fast friends. Bosom buddies. Pals. </p>

<p>I do apologize, JanoBano, as the professor so firmly reminded me, this thread isn’t about me! Looking back, I feel I offered no useful advice to you at all, while the professor rattled off several fine suggestions. Hmmm… about “thus,” if you do use it, don’t use it twice. Used at the end it still is a tiny bit artificial, but you are making a final point and an imperious tone might help add finality to that last point. Used more than once, it becomes an affectation and loses any emphasis it might have given. Same advice for “however.” Used so many times it sounds repetitive. Allow yourself to use it once, then either use another word in its place or, better yet, leave it out. (Try re-reading your essay without the “howevers.” It is cleaner and stronger.) A quick re-read in the last five minutes will give you the opportunity to cross out “howevers” that tiptoed in while you were engrossed in your writing. I have no idea about a grade - essays I was pleased with got only decent grades while ones I felt unsettled about scored very high - so I am not a good judge. Maybe the dear professor can advise.</p>

<p>Best of luck on the SATs tomorrow to all of you!!! </p>

<p>WAIT! Only $10 Stuey??? Only 1:3 Gregory??? Well, a fan club is a fan club… even if they are a bit cheap.</p>

<p>Compared to other SAT’s, do you think the Oct '08 was easier/harder in each of the sections?</p>