Please Help! In need of feedback for Common App essay. Stanford for Early Action.

<p>I need to create the best essay possible and I plan to submit the first portion of the Stanford essay - the Common App questions and essays and Stanford questionnaires - later today or tomorrow. I need feedback on the message, voice, tone and content of the essay and if it's an essay that will impress Stanford. Thank you in advance. Yours truly, James Kirk.</p>

<p>Common App Essay</p>

<p>Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.</p>

<p>Becoming Descartes with Richard Feynman</p>

<pre><code>I change philosophies every time I step into a classroom. My days as a philosopher all started in sixth grade when I first read what is now my favorite book of all time, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman. The funny and brilliant Feynman showed me an entirely new world, he showed me the awe and wonders of science. Despite my fascination with Feynman’s eccentricity and his work as a physicist, what he really taught me was to think for my own and to see the world in many different lenses. To see the world for what it really was and not just what I was taught when I was so young. Feynman taught me to think. After some time, my faith in what I learned when I was younger wavered. I was beginning to doubt all that I had learned up to that point. However, my days as a self proclaimed philosopher would be short lived. My thoughts vanished as quickly as they came.

It wasn’t until my sophomore year in high school when I reread Feynman’s book that the philosopher in me was reborn. As a child, my father warned me that whenever I read a book that I should not take it to heart because the mind of a child was the easiest to persuade. My father’s caveat came rushing back to me as I was reading Feynman’s book and it was then that I understood what I believe is how a child transitions into an adult. It is when the child begins to create his own outlook on life based on his own experiences and reasoning and not what others have inculcated upon his or her mind. In fortunate serendipity, it would seem that another one of Feynman’s books can explain this transition in perhaps a vernacular that is palpable to most people. The book is called, What do you care what other people think.

Perhaps it was fate that the only truly mandatory class in the International Baccalaureate program is Theory of Knowledge, a philosophy class that is mainly geared towards epistemology, and it is this class that pushed my goal to look upon life in my own eyes and to find what it truly meant to me to their limits. It quickly became my favorite class as it was very different from all my other classes; it required me think about topics that I hitherto thought was never an issue. Topics such as Plato’s allegory of the cave, Kantian ethics, and the source of science’s proclaimed truth forced me to truly think for myself for the first time. My view on life is constantly subject to change and perhaps this is mainly because my Theory of Knowledge teacher has taken upon himself the duty of swinging the pendulum of belief. Once I begin to subscribe to a philosophy, he identifies its faults and downfalls and consequently I am back sitting on the fence once again deciding my outlook on life. Perhaps one day I will finally make my ultimate decision.
My transition is somewhat different from the norm because it was not a transition to maturity through the context of my culture or family but through the realization of autonomy and the true reason why we humans are not animals: we utilize reason. Thus, in my humble opinion, I believe that what truly marked my transition into adulthood is when I began to form my own opinion about the world, when I began to think for my own. My transition into adulthood, I believe, is not an ephemeral experience in my life but something that is still in progress.
In the words of Descartes, cogito ergo sum.
</code></pre>

<p>This is going to be rough; I apologize in advance. It seems to me that your message is an attempt to impress the readers with your academic and intellectual achievements, rather than truly describe your path to adulthood. I don’t feel that i know you personally after reading this. I don’t know why you would be an asset to the campus in any way other than academics - which are already demonstrated in your transcript.</p>

<p>The content needs some work. There are some grammatical issues (especially awkwardness) and some words (fortunate serendipity, palpable, hitherto) that don’t work well - they seem out of the flow, inserted to impress. Finally, the reader should not have to check wikipedia to understand your conclusion.</p>

<p>Hmm… I understand your message but my goal was not at all to impress the admissions office about my intellectual ability, albeit it may come off that way. I don’t really have any other way to describe my path to adulthood. Most of the time in my culture (philippine culture) the path to manhood is having your first beer with friends and family and I haven’t had that yet. I thought that this essay would show my personal growth based on my own perception and experiences.</p>

<p>For the large vocabulary, understand that despite the fact that those words are not part of my normal everyday language, that was how I formulated the words in my head. Although, I do understand your point and it does come off and being a little pompous.</p>

<p>For the Descartes quotation, I thought that that was almost common knowledge but I’ll stay on the safe side and translate it.</p>

<p>Actually, I don’t know. Should I translate cogito ergo sum? I feel that the message is much more powerful when it’s in latin.</p>

<p>Definitely translate it. There will be a meaningful possibility that the reader(s) is not familiar with it. If you have no other way to describe your path, can you pick a different topic? You are a good writer, but I fear this approach may work against you. Hopefully, others will chime in to help you decide.</p>

<p>I would change it but I have already change my essay twice and I like this the best. Early action is due very soon and I don’t think changing essays will help me at all.</p>

<p>Cogito ergo sum is fine as it is a recognizable term. Actually, I think it’s an interesting essay. IMHO, I would advise you to ask a moderator to take this essay off the internet. It’s best to PM them to those who wish to review them.</p>

<p>“I would change it but I have already change my essay twice and I like this the best. Early action is due very soon and I don’t think changing essays will help me at all.”</p>

<p>Why are you asking for comments, if you don’t want to change it?</p>

<p>I just meant I don’t think changing my essay will ultimately help me. The phrase was a vernacular to attempt to portray helplessness when it came to changing my essays. Sorry it that was not the message given.</p>