Please help me with a SAT essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>I'm trying to improve my essays so that I can get an 800 on the writing section of the SAT. My teachers at school like really convoluted, esoteric, redundant essays so I've gotten so used to that. I'm trying to fix that habit so I'd really appreciate any feedback.</p>

<p>Prompt: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Changes that facilitate living often come with a price. While trying to find the "easier way out", people end up missing important aspects of life. As a result, they lose several sources of happiness or unique human qualities.</p>

<p>During the Industrial Revolution, a boom in technology and a transformation in methods of production led to a tremendous progression in industry. Each worker manufactured a part of the whole product, and people would work in the same area in order to speed up production. By designating people to only parts, people eased the process of production and raised the amount of product produced. However, workers were subject to harsher living and working conditions. L'atelier, a newspaper written during this time period, depicts the dangers faced by women who worked long hours and returned to their homes very late at night. The newspaper also explains that lost body parts were far from uncommon. In addition to the increased danger in working conditions, the quality of products was not immensely improved. Before the Industrial Revolution, people specialized in their own distinguished trades. For example, the potter would mold pots and bowls unique to his style, and the weaver would weave blankets with special designs. The Industrial Revolution forced these people to give up their trades and look for work in the city. As a result, workers did not specialize in one certain trade, and instead used their talents to create masses of a uniform product. With this newly presented uniformity, bits of culture and tradition were lost. The Industrial Revolution eased mass production, but lost a bit of history as a result.</p>

<p>Another example of the effects of change can be shown through chatspeak. In recent years, many of my friends have been sending 3 character text messages in order to reply as quickly as possible. One may answer a question such as "What did you think about the presentation on abortion today" with a "its ok", or "idk". While people may exchange embarrassing stories during conversation, through text messaging, those same people would most likely exchange no more than a simple "lol" or "rofl". In /Click/, Ori and Romi Brafman explain that people often connect by the exchange of personal information and self-disclosure. By speeding up our means of communication through chatspeak, we have lost the ability to truly communicate and connect with each other. </p>

<pre><code>In my family, technology nearly created this situation. Technology's purpose is to facilitate life, mold a world of opportunity, and aid people in the search for information. My mom uses her computer in order to finish her job quickly and get a longer break. My dad uses the computer every morning to read the news since the internet is easier to 'take care of' than a pile of paper. Instead of eating together at the dinner table, we spent our time with our eyes glued to the computer, ironically, to save time. Instead of taking time to learn from each other and discuss certain issues, we relied on the internet for opinions. In the process of trying to make life easier, we lost the value of communication and almost replaced family with internet. Now, instead of incessantly trying to find the fast way out by sticking our noses into the computer, we ask each other, take the time to know each other, and remember the value of family which cannot be learned by browsing the web or gluing our eyes to the computer screen.
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<p>The word 'slow' has a negative connotation, because being slow is associated with being wastefujl. However, change made to speed up processes often cause people to lose important values, conditions, and the bliss of communication. The trade of communication for material success cannot be considered a good tradeoff. Therefore, while a change may lead to faster results, these results cannot be considered more fruitful.</p>

2

<p>I can proofread this in Word so that you can understand my suggestions better and see possible ways to edit. Would you like me to do so? However, I would have to email it to you as an attachment.</p>

3

<p>That would be great!</p>

4

<p>bump 10 char</p>

5

<p>bump 10char</p>

6

<p>bump10char</p>

7

<p>Still a bit wordy, but good development and effective examples. Did you write the essay within 25 minutes?</p>

8

<p>I think I might have been over by about 10 minutes. Since I still have a few months, I’m just trying to write as fluently as possible. I’m not too great at writing, so I’m just trying to improve before I attempt an actual 25 minute essay session hehe. |D</p>

9

<p>Okay I wrote another essay in the allotted time just now. (I’m fast at typing though, so I don’t think that it’s accurate length-wise…)</p>

<p>Would anyone be willing to read it? I did one that I had trouble answering, because it took a little while to brainstorm.</p>

10

<p>Assignment: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities or the nation in general? </p>

<p>ESSAY</p>

<p>Without a steady foundation, an entire kingdom will inevitably fall apart. People often make the mistake of relying heavily on others and working towards the ‘big picture’ without first completing its prerequisite. Attempting to build a house without first creating a stable interior is foolish and impossible. Likewise, while many consider the nation to be more ‘important’, changes in small communities cause greater impacts than those forced on entire nations.</p>

<p>This is eminent throughout history and especially pertains to the Mongol Empire, which became the largest land empire in history in around the 13th century. The Mongols were conquerors, and as such, effectively took over lands, kingdoms, and countries. However, regulation was poor. Although the Mongols had acquired control over these areas, they did not focus on maintaining the small communities within their empire. By neglecting to focus on the small communities that made up its population, the Mongol Empire collapsed. Controlling an entire nation with one hand may be difficult if not impossible, but taking control over a whole nation by regulating the small communities within is not. In the case of the Mongol Empire, people in individual, smaller communities were not focused on heavily, and so the people were able to gain their own freedom. </p>

<pre><code>Another example is written about in Anthem, a novel that depicts a society that is completely controlled by the Council of Elders. In Anthem, Ayn Rand shows us a dependent state that is dictated by the government. In this society, the lack of technology causes people to isolate themselves, and thus have no chance to communicate and create a community. By isolating people, communities cannot be formed. Through repressing the self-expression and any chance of communication between people and communities, the government reigns supreme. Due to the lack of community, people have no chance to learn from each other, and therefore become reliant on those who do have the knowledge and the power to prevent anarchy. The dictated society in Anthem perfectly portrays an example in which controlling communities is effective. By controlling communities, a government is able to easily gain the reliance of others and the power to make all decisions.
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<p>On a smaller scale, consider the SAT. In the ‘SAT’ nation, students try to increase their scores to the highest of their abilities in order to gain entrance into the college of their choice. I am one of these students, and I have been practicing for months to improve my score on the SAT. At first, I tried the foolish way: to get the quickest results possible, I’d tackle the big picture first. In other words, I attempted to control the ‘nation’ by focusing on everything at once, which turned out to be overwhelming and impossible to do. Afterwards, I tried a different method. I tried mastering the math section first, the writing section second, and then the critical reading section third. After a month of failed attempts to raise my score by focusing on everything at once, I learned. By tackling the smaller ‘communities’ in the ‘nation’, I was able to improve the ‘nation’ itself.
Likewise, people can improve everything by focusing on the small aspects, or in this case, communities. If small communities can regulate themselves, then the workload can become easier to manage. Attempting to grasp everything at once is overwhelming, but if one tries to impact the parts of a whole, eventually the entire whole will improve.</p>

11

<p>Whoa I think this essay is longer than the first one. Weird… o___o</p>

<p>Maybe I should write my essays when I practice now… I don’t think typing will effectively help me practice if it makes me write all of my essays in a lengthy and convoluted fashion.</p>

12

<p>Yes, do not practice writing essays through typing them. Typing will not provide the same experience as writing by hand, and you need to gauge your handwriting speed and size. Both essays would be well beyond two pages handwritten unless you have extremely minute handwriting, which might actually be detrimental if the graders can’t read the scanned copy of your essay. Anyways, have you received my email yet?</p>

13

<p>Yes I have, thank you!</p>

<p>I don’t know why, but I have a TON of trouble writing succinct paragraphs. Whenever I try to make a point, I subconsciously find a way to make it extremely convoluted. I’m just going to keep trying, and hopefully I’ll get the hang of it. I’ll start timing myself now, so that I can work from mediocre 25 minute essays to good 25 minute essays… Also does Collegeboard require you to write an intro and conclusion paragraph? If not, then that would save a lot of time…</p>

14

<p>I know you touch on your thesis throughout the essay, but your first “Therefore” and your first definitive “this is my point” is the last sentence of the essay. Make your POV known much earlier.</p>

<p>Consider introducing your examples in the intro, if you can make it sound right. These people grade these essays very quickly. Don’t leave them guessing what is to come.</p>

<p>You used 2 perosnal examples. They were good examples, for sure, but I would suggest adding another historical or literary example to prove your scholarly skills in addition to your writing skills.</p>

<p>You have the talent, you just need to write for the test, not for your English instructor.</p>

<p>Craig</p>

15

<p>Here’s a tip: Personal references are the weakest, historical and ones in literature are the strongest, so you should try to use those instead.</p>