Yet Another "Please Grade My Essay:" Thread

<p>I've looked through all the suggestions that users gave me in my previous thread, and I tried to apply it to Blue Book Essay #2</p>

<p>Question: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>The statement that changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better is only sometimes true. Although, some people say that technological advancement makes a better and easier life for everyone, there are two examples that show that changes in technology can only sometimes make a better life even though they made life easier. </p>

<p>First, one of the examples is the Industrial Revolution. The Industrial Revolution made life easier by the creation of the steam engine, railroads, and other machines that helped the textile factories get started in the U.K. This allowed many people cheap and high quality products, and it also allowed them to get it fast. However, the revolution made conditions worse for the poor. The people who lived in the London slums during the revolution had a shorter life expectancy than the people living in the areas where they came from in the countryside. The New York City slums had similar worse conditions too. There was raw sewage in the streets, crime was rampant, and whole families were living in small rooms with improper ventilation. Disease spread easily, and very few had access to clean water. People such as Boss Tweed politically manipulated these workers. Although life was made easier by the availability of products after the revolution, conditions made poor workers' lives worse not better.</p>

<p>Although the Industrial Revolution did not make life better for some, the Internet has improved life and made it easier. Wikipedia has made life easier by allowing millions of people to access a free and high-quality encyclopedia. This allows people to stay at home and comfortably do research for projects and other things. It has made life better, because it has allowed more knowledge to be available to more people. The more knowledge the general population has, the better off people will be, because they are more educated. Amazon.com has also made life better and easier, because it allows people to buy almost anything they want online. It is like a virtual Walmart. Amazon.com has made life better, because it allows people to shop online, instead of waiting in line at a store. Instead of buying foodstuffs such as salad by driving to the store, waiting in line, and driving back, you can just buy the salad on Amazon.com and have it quickly delivered to you. People could save time and do other, more important things. The advent of the Internet has made life easier and better.</p>

<p>The advancement of technology does not necessarily mean that life will bet better. The betterment of life can be measure by the impact of it on people. The Industrial Revolution impacted poor workers and their families badly and it made life worse for tem. However, the Internet has allowed many people to live better and easier lives. So, changes that make our lives easier only sometimes make our lives better.</p>

<p>for SAT essays, don't try to qualify the prompt by stating it is true in some cases but not in others. Pick a side and stick with it. You can address or refute possible arguments of the opposition as well but this only takes a sentence or two.</p>

<p>Comments:</p>

<p>Your intro is good, but I agree with skp21 for the most part. The thing is, you might truly believe that it is true in only some cases, but if you say this, you have to back that up, and that's a lot harder to do in only 25 minutes.</p>

<p>Body Paragraph 1: "This allowed many people cheap and high quality products, and it also allowed them to get it fast" should be written "The vast expansion and growth of textile factories gave people quick access to cheap and high-quality products." Grammar mistakes do matter. "The people who lived in the London slums during the revolution had a shorter life expectancy than the people living in the areas where they come from in the countryside" can be shortened: "Those living in the London slums during the revolution had a shorter life expectancy than those living in the countryside." Next, "The New York City slums had similar worse conditions too." This sentence is confusing for two reasons. First, you should have said that the Industrial Revolution occurred in both Britain and the United States (also state the time it happened). Second, "similar worse" is just confusing. I know what you mean, but I had to think about it for a bit. Overall, your first body paragraph had a strong argument with lots of critical thinking. It's just that a lot of the sentences could be straightened up. On the whole, however, your argument is very good.</p>

<p>Second Body Paragraph: Good transition, but that goes at the end of the first paragraph. Haha, you use Wikipedia (everyone does :)) "This allows people to stay at home and comfortably do research for projects and other things." This statement is weak--be more specific "Wikipedia, like other Internet encyclopedias, allows people to access quick information without having to make a bothersome trip to the library. A panorama of knowledge is literally at people's fingertips." (Not just Wikipedia, but it's all good) Next, "Instead of buying foodstuffs such as sald by driving to the store, waiting in line, and driving back, you (Use "someone" or "a person") can just buy the salad on Amazon.com and have it quickly delivered to you (same problem)." Good argument--who buys salads on amazon!? This actually can be important--your argument would be stronger if you mentioned stuff like computers or stuff that you would want to go online to buy). "Other, more important things." <em>gasp</em> buying salads is not important??? Just joking. Good job on the second paragraph, but again, a few grammar issues and you might want to change the salad example. There are lots of good things about the Internet! It makes for a lot of interesting discussion.</p>

<p>Conclusion: The "betterment" of life. Oh dear. It's one of those made-up words. Use "improvement." "The Industrial Revolution impacted poor workers and their families badly and it made life worse for them." But didn't you say that it was great because it gave people access to materials? It's a little confusing and contradictory.</p>

<p>Overall: Good job. </p>

<p>-Effective develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates strong critical thinking, generally using appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position (5)
-Is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas (5)
-Exhibits developing facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary (betterment, similar worse conditions) (3-4)
-Demonstrates variety in sentence structure (5)
-Has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics (4)</p>

<p>Total: 22.5
22.5 / 5 x 2 = 9</p>

<p>This essay is about a 9.</p>

<p>I gave this essay the same score as the one about what motivates change, but I have to say that your argument is better in this essay. The main problem here was an inability to come up with a very clear way of saying what you mean (usage issues, basically).</p>

<p>So work on that. Besides that, your essay was very good and shows your critical thinking.</p>

<p>i think you abused the word "better"...overall solid essay...just fix the salad example and what dchow said..."inability to come up with a very clear way of saying what you mean"</p>