Please mark/comment on my essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>Topic: what is people's motivation for change?</p>

<ul>
<li>this is my first venture into 1st person narratives.. i think these are much easier to write, cause you can just make up some stuff along the way (and yes, some stuff in this essay is made up) and not think about all the facts. due to this fact, will writing 1st person get me higher marks? cause i think i write better this way.</li>
</ul>

<p>To many people, working towards a goal is dogged by procrastination; however, for me, when I realize I have a problem that needs changing, I follow through with it. Realizng a need for change is what motivates me to change. </p>

<p>I am currently a grade 12 student with a 98% overall average. This may seem impressive, but my marks have not always been this high. In grade 9, I was arrogant that I would get good grades without studying for exams; now, I feel embarrassed thinking about my haughtiness. Not only did I not get a 90% plus average, but my grades were in the dismal mid-80's. A mark well below my own expectations. Come grade 10, however, I decided that enough was enough, and made the resolution to do all my homework, study for all my tests, and seek help from teachers on concepts that I am unfamilliar with. Then, finally, results started showing. My marks in high school has represented a continual growth. I received a 92% average in grade 10, and this mark increased steadily to a 98% by the end of grade 11. I am ecstatic at this mark because my hardwork has finally paid off. Besides grades, I have also been determined to change my personality. </p>

<p>In grades 7 and 9, I could be classified as a loner or geek. I had only about 3 friends in those years, and they were just like me. I tried to make more friends, by just trying to talk to them, but this method never seemed to work. At last, I realized that it wasn't because I don't talk to people, it was because I was too cynical. In those years, I was pessimistic about almost everything; for example, whenever someone got a 95% plus on their test, I would simply dismiss their achievement as luck. Undoubtably, this had not made me many friends. After realizing my mistake, however, I made the commitment to change. I started being nicer around people. Instead of dismissing someone's high mark, I started praising them. Instead of trying to make others befriend me, I simply started being my new self. Now, going into grade 12, I am more than satisfied with my social life; with more than 20 good friends, and over 80 people on MSN, I am never short of company. </p>

<p>For some, realizing that they have a problem may be a hard pill to swallow, but I do just the opposite. By realizing a need for change, I make a resolution to change, and this determination motivates me.</p>

2

<p>I do find that writing in first person comes more naturally than writing about literary or historal examples, which becomes, more often than not, mechanical in the hands of many high school students, me included. </p>

<p>A narrative is smoother writing because you are really talking to the grader. However, I do strongly advise that you include another example, that is literary, historical, one that involve a famous person. It will give your essay a warrant, an authority, besides a mere personal experience.</p>

<p>If you are more comfortable with a narrative, then begin your essay with one, out of strategy, out of comfort. You less likely to counter a writer's block. I tend to write finer and better thought out sentences, in the latter part of the essay. Once you begin your essay comfortably, you can transition into a more "mechanical" example.</p>

<p>This is just my two cents worth. I don't feel qualified to give you a score. Have you taken the SAT yet? How did you score on the essay?</p>

3

<p>Here's my editing, but sticking to the material you already have:
To many people, working towards a goal is dogged by procrastination. I once fell victim to this vice, but realizing I had a problem motivated me to change.</p>

<p>I am currently a grade 12 student with a 98% overall average. My marks have not always been this high. In grade 9, I was arrogant and thought I would get good grades without studying for exams. My grades slipped into the dismal mid-80's, a mark well below my expectations. Now, I feel embarrassed thinking about my haughtiness. Come grade 10, I decided that enough was enough. I resolved to do all my homework, study for all my tests, and seek help from teachers on unfamiliar concepts. Finally, results started showing. My marks in high school represent a continual growth. I received a 92% average in grade 10, and this mark increased steadily to a 98% by the end of grade 11. I am ecstatic at this mark because my hardwork has finally paid off. Besides grades, I have also been determined to change my personality. </p>

<p>In grades 7 and 9, I could be classified as a loner or geek. I had only about 3 friends in those years, and they were just like me. I tried to make more friends by talking, but this method never seemed to work. At last, I realized that it wasn't because I don't talk to people, it was because I was too cynical. In those years, I was pessimistic about almost everything; whenever someone got a 95% plus on their test, I would write off their achievement as luck. This undoubtedly affected the size of my pool of friends. After realizing my mistake, however, I made the commitment to change. I started being nicer around people. Instead of dismissing someone's high mark, I started praising them. Instead of trying to make others befriend me, I simply started being my new self. Now, going into grade 12, I am more than satisfied with my social life; with more than 20 good friends, and over 80 people on MSN, I am never short of company. </p>

<p>For some, realizing that they have a problem may be a hard pill to swallow, but I do just the opposite. By realizing a need for change, I make a resolution to change, and this determination motivates me.</p>

<p>Generally, your style is clean, but you tend to repeat sentiments in different wording, like in the first paragraph. You are quite enamored of semicolons--if used sparingly, they have greater impact. This really does sound like it's your virgin venture into first person. "For example" and "however" make it sound like an essay for class. There are also some introductions that assume too much, like "this may seem impressive." You can just cut that out and move on to "my grades were not always this high," and it lets the audience be genuinely impressed instead of forcing their minds in that direction. You want it to flow.</p>

<p>Before I go further, I would like to say I am not comfortable with you making things up in your application essay. If it isn't honest, then the adcoms are not admitting you, but a fantasy version of you. It doesn't speak much for your character if they discover your story was fabricated. Besides, people tend to write much better about the truth than about lies. That's why celebrities write autobiographies instead of novels :)</p>

<p>Moving on, and I hope you don't take this badly, the essay is very "me" focused. When you discover your tendency to put others down, you only change for yourself. Everything's about your social life, your friends, your wellbeing, what about all those people you hurt? We're assuming, of course, this part of the essay is true, but it might not be, so please don't take offense. At least put the emphasis on feeling horrible that you made others feel horrible. If nothing else, adcoms would like to see that.</p>

<p>To conclude, try to avoid numbers. Write them out: "I had only about three friends..."</p>

<p>Edit: Can you really write a personal statement outside the first person? It's supposed to be about you, and it would be strange for me to write "During her trip to Europe, Tammy discovered the power of history..." Tammy refers to herself in the third person. Tammy is nuts.</p>

4

<p>I read your essay with interest, because as pointed out by naturallyjojo the flow is good when written in the first person. However, it does need the more "broader" view of your comments/observations in the third person, its a bit too personalized. The subject after all is what is PEOPLE'S motivation to change and not YOUR motivation. Another comment is that you threw in quite a few numbers, maybe you can cut them down and still drive your message across as effectively. Hope this is of some use to you.</p>

5

<p>One more thing, the conclusion repeats what the intro states, just like they teach us in seventh grade. Take everything you learned in Junior High, kiss it goodbye, tear it up, stomp on it, burn it, and throw the ashes to the wind. They say, "don't introduce a new idea in the conclusion" so much that we forget you have to keep the audience's interest. This is such a short essay, how can one not say something new with every word? Don't let it fall flat. I don't know what else to put there because I am not you, and you know yourself best, but expressing a more enlightened philosophy or something will give it that "wow, this kid's going in the 'read-again' pile" kick.</p>

6

<p>wow amazing comments. thx guys</p>

<p>naturallyjojo: ya, i took the june 6. got 5 and 5. 640 in writing overall. </p>

<p>tkm256: not not doubt ya or anything, but i learned not to introduce new ideas this year in grade 11. Also, my conc is very close to what kaplan (urrr) suggests.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>From now on, i will try to put in at least 1 historical/broad eg</p></li>
<li><p>cut down on numbers</p></li>
<li><p>less self-centered</p></li>
</ul>

<p>BTW i find it very hard to write a 5 paragraph essay. My paragraphs tend to be, well, over developed somewhat, leaving me with no time or space to write a 3rd para. So is this ok? like having 2 long ones instead of 3?</p>

7

<p>No! Not the format! That's what I was saying about the seventh grade brain-washings....No five paragraph, plug and chug essay. Write as you need. If you feel two paragraphs express you better than three, write two. I have a very sporadic style, but it earned me a 5 on the AP English Composition (I know real college English will be very different, but this works for my point). Jane Schaffer, AXES, whatever system they make you use, will be worthless in college. And you can have a strong conclusion that ties everything together without repeating the first paragraph.</p>

8

<p>5's on the essay. That's pretty good. Did you write about your personal experience only on that June SAT? Just curious. Because I tried to go "historical/literary" all the way and lost my voice. I think I will try your style a bit.</p>

9

<p>actually, i think what you have chosen to write is very good, and i thought tkm256's editing made it into a more spectacular essay :)
i am sure you'll have no probably in gaining admission to many top schools</p>

10

<p>^^</p>

<p>don't i wish that was true ;)</p>

<p>nat: i went first person, but combo of hist/lit + personal.</p>

<p>i think the topic was something about media, and i had like 1 paragraph about "million dollar baby".. lol and the other one about elections</p>

11

<p>k since i think i should just post all my essays in one topic:</p>

<ul>
<li>again with this essay, i have 2 long paragraphs instead of 3. it still took up the whole 2 pages, tho. Also, is it wise to start off the essay with "I", only not to use it again? and is it a weak first sentence to simply, comment on the quote?</li>
</ul>

<p>Topic: Do changes that make our lives easier to live not necessarily make our lives better? (cough, paraphrased from a blue book)</p>

<p>I agree completely with Karen Finuan. Although technological innovations in the past century has greatly simplified our lives, these innovations may not actually be altogether beneficial. Inventions such as food food, and online banking are part of the North American lifestyle; however, when examined carefully, these seemingly miracle inventions may not be worth the time they save.</p>

<p>Since its founding in the 40's, Mc Donald's has spread fast food across the world. It is acclaimed for its accessibility and expediency. One cannot deny these two positive attributes. With a Mc Donald's always just down the street, one has constant access to food. However, this is where the problem comes in; Mc Donald's and other fast food restaurants don't take health into consideration. One average fast food meal can contain up to 1500 calories; the recommanded calorie intake for one day is 2000. Fast food also contain hydrogenated oil, which can clot arteries, and has a lack of vegetables. Sure Mc Donald's makes food easier to access, but is it healthy food? Besides the food industry, the technological sector also shows this notion.</p>

<p>Computers are arguably one of the most important inventions in history. Today, along with the internet, computers have become an integral part of almost every North American household. The biggest uses for this technology includes shopping, searching for information, and banking. The ability to do these tasks online saves the consumer much time; however, it also puts the consumer in danger of cyber theft. Theft through the internet has been at an all-time high in recent years. This is because of the prevalence of computers and online finan ce. Hackers, spammers, and virus creators can seek victim's personal information, such as credit card numbers and social security numbers using the internet. Armed with these information, they can easily steal money from the victim's online banking account, or even worst, assume their identity all together. Either one of these two acts can ruin a person's life, and all because he or she wanted to save a few minutes by handling his or her finance online. Sure its fast, but it is definately not completely safe.</p>

<p>Fast food restaurants and online banking have made many mundane tasks simpler, more accessible, and simply faster. However, the damages and dangers they put the user through does not justify their positive attributes.</p>

12

<p>Is this a college essay too? Does a specific college ask for your opinion on a controversial matter, or is this just a general "additional essay"? My first reaction, was "wow, this kid can write." My second was, "what the heck is he trying to say about himself?" The problem with this third person stuff is you can't clearly express your personality. The fast food section is like a persuasive news article, the second a letter to the Opinion page. Now, if you're trying to get into a Journalism program, this is right on the money. But for impressing adcoms, I would write on a more personal subject.</p>

13

<p>^^ </p>

<p>??? this is just a SAT I reasoning test practice essay i wrote to prepare for the test. but thx for the compliments</p>

14

<p>In that case, it's perfect.</p>

15

<p>heh heh. hmmm...</p>