Can anyone score my son's essay?

<p>If anyone would be so kind as to score this practice essay (from CB practice test #1), it would be greatly appreciated! I have my own opinion, but he would like input from an outside source.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

<p>Prompt:
To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>What motivates people to change? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>"Motivation to change comes from within" causing us to "risk something" in order to make the change. What makes our desire to change stronger than our desire to "risk something"? This can be shown through the recent expample of the U.S. Government to pass a $700 billion stimulous plan. We see through this plan that it is necessary to change to avoid the bigger risk of standing still.</p>

<p>The decision of Congress to carry out the stimulous plan exemplifies the motives of people to change. In the face of a quickly falling stock market, the decision to accept or veto the proposal, required immediate action. The choice of Congress to pass the bill, demonstrates a "change" by the people in our government. Why did they decide to change? Their motives lie in the understanding that they have no choice but to change, because to not change would pose an even bigger risk. Although improvements to the bill, or even alternative plans, may have been superior to the bill that Congress passed, they needed to make this change because of the urgency of the dire situation. This example shows us that people change because it is a bigger risk not to change.</p>

<p>In modern U.S. society, we find ourselves pressured by the quickly moving world. Although decisions made by a normal person may not be as urgent and important as the decision Congress made, our need to change can nevertheless be paralleled by the example of the bill in Congress. We need to make decisions to change in order to keep up with a quickly changing world. Choosing not to change would often pose risks similar, yet obviously smaller, than the potential reprercussions faced by our legislative branch. We would find ourselves alienated by not keeping up with the rest of society, stuck in past trends and old customs, instead of staying along the changing ways of society. Even though we must risk to change, we do so anyway to avoid the bigger risk of not changing.</p>

<p>In just three paragraphs, your son used "change" about sixteen times. It's a fun word- but enough is enough.And although longer essays have been shown to garner higher scores, that doesn't mean the writer should be unnecessarily wordy; avoid openings like that of the first sentence, it's extraneous. I would also recommend avoiding current events because they are overdone- so stick to history and literature unless you can do much better than just "People change because it is a bigger risk not to change". Your son should also use more than one example for two reasons : one, it'll help him avoid redundancy, and two, well written SAT essays generally have more than one example. And lastly, a final advice coming from someone who did pretty well on the essay. </p>

<p>The ETS does not care how well you develop a single example or how well written a short essay is. Don't try to be "unique", keep your personal opinions out, study the standard "six"(Perfect score") essay, and the essay portion of the SAT will be a breeze. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>The essay could have been far more coherent. I had a hard time figuring out what exactly his thesis was and the introduction definitely could have flowed better. ETS won't be happy if you don't say change is motivated by this <strong><em>, as seen in _</em></strong>.</p>

<p>Here's the key to scoring twelve on both the SAT and ACT although its not the only method of writing essays, but I use it in anything I ever write (this exact method is based off extemporaneous speaking in the National Forensic League, but it is universally applicable). Start out with an "attention grabbing intro." This does not have to be funny, but should use, in the case of the ACT or SAT a reference to history, current events, or literature. Within this same paragraph, develop a strong thesis that will be the last sentence. Finally, the introduction should reveal three points that support the thesis. </p>

<p>The body of the paragraph then builds on the thesis and the three points you mentioned in the intro with three paragraphs. Each topic sentence should directly support the thesis.</p>

<p>Finally your conclusion should open up with a return to your attention grabber, moving into a restating of your three points and finally restating the question and ending on a low tone. </p>

<p>Basically this method is relatively simple and is found in different variations in any coherent essay ranging from school papers to the ACT to college essays. </p>

<p>Applying this to your sons essay: First ,the intro needs to be more developed. Use the three parts I have above. The thesis needs to be more clear. Rather than "We see through this plan that it is necessary to change to avoid the bigger risk of standing still." your son could use: 'The risk of standing still motivates people to change.' However this is a weak thesis in an of itself, so an entire thesis needs to be redeveloped for your son to create a really coherent speech. Think about the question in its most simplistic terms. People are motivated to change because they have to.</p>

<p>After you can get a good opening paragraph and a developed essay, you need three supportive paragraphs (two may be fine but I recommend three). Each paragraph is an example of what motivates people to change. Rather than focusing just on Congress, expand ideas into all aspects of society. Use topics from areas such as literature, personal experiences, current events, and history. Don't use more then one topic in each essay. For example using a piece of literature, an event from current affairs and a personal experience shows that a well developed person wrote the essay.</p>

<p>Basically, the essay here has no structure and thus lacks what it needs to get a good score. This is an honest response and take it for what its worth. Good luck to your son.</p>

<p>Out of 6, which each reader gives for a total of twelve, I would give it a three. Keep working!</p>

<p>Thanks for the constructive criticism everyone. That is exactly what I was hoping for. It definitely wasn't his best work. Mythbuster, your advice was very helpful. If anyone else has an opinion or would like to score, would love to hear more. He will definitely keep practicing. He is taking his first SAT on Jan 24.</p>

<p>^ yeah i think mythbuster's advice is damn good :D</p>