Wow, really bad essay, your opinon?

Test Preparation
1

<p>I am shocked at how bad I am at writing a 25-min times write. Just did my first one and I really need some critiquing/help. Typing it up I notice a lot of mistakes I could have changed if I had had time to read it over, so I will have to make sure I have 3 minutes left during my next one if I can to correct a few things. I typed it as is to get the most accurate opinions and best help. Thanks for helping.</p>

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<p>To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Elapsed Time: 25 minutes
Response:
Motivation has resulted in the most innovative and catastrophic changes. Motivation can come from the desire of self-respect, greed, and religion.
During high school, many teens become conscious about their image and appearance. Before entering my freshman year, I ballooned up to 220 pounds on a 5’9” frame. Because I was in a school with not many friends, I often felt desolate and lonely. On top of that I felt fat. That was when I decided to do something about it. My desire to fit in led me to join the hockey and wrestling team at my school. Soon I was well on my way to being a changed man.
While most want to believe that all motivations are high in moral, they are not. TY, a time warner company that manufactures plush toys is an excellent example of greed creating changes for the worse. TY started by manufacturing a limited supply of Beanie Babies in 1995. When Beanie Babies became a hot buy in 1997 and 1998, production and design were stepped up. Prices were inflated and supply began to flood retail stores. By 2000, Beanie Baby collectors had become scarce and collections worth only the salvaged materials.
The Salem Witch Trials of Salem Connecticut brought change motivated by Religion. Being a town base on the high Puritan morals and strict punishment, whispers of a person being a witch were taken for truth and the “witches” quickly dealt with. Some of the people were for truthful reasons, most were falsely accused.
Trying to change what does not need to is a mistake. Superficial motivations such as greed only lead to societal anarchy.</p>

2

<p>Collegeboard Online SAT Course gave my essay a 4/6, do you think this is accurate?</p>

3

<p>"The Salem Witch Trials of Salem Connecticut"</p>

<p>Do you mean Massachusetts...?</p>

4

<p>I think you should go into detail about one example rather than talking about three different ones in short paragraphs</p>

5

<p>yeah, I was thinking that too about the one subject thing. I will try that next time. Also I meant Mass, lol.</p>

6

<p>Bad idea.</p>

<p>Your essay should be as follows:</p>

<p>Introduction
-restate quote from prompt
-analyze quote
-include concluding sentence which lays out your three examples</p>

<p>Body Paragraph 1
-details
-details
-details
-transition</p>

<p>Body Paragraph 2
-details
-details
-details
-transition</p>

<p>Body Paragraph 3
-details
-details
-details
-transition</p>

<p>Conclusion
-restate introductory ideas
-if you intend to get philosophical, do it HERE
-mention the 3 examples
-closing sentence</p>

<p>Just like 4th grade---sandwich format. Don't get creative. Collegeboard hates that. Pick three examples, preferrably from History, Current Events, and Literature (avoid personal experiences and anything even remotely controversial such as not to offend and create bias). Make all three body paragraphs of similar length. Write the full, or close to full, two pages. Write neatly. Use proper grammar and spelling, and a wide vocabulary.</p>

<p>That's called a 12.</p>

<p>In my not-so-expert opinion, the 4 for your essay was fitting. Follow the above format for unbelievable improvement. You can thank me when you're hitting 9's and 10's.</p>

7

<p>Well, I got an 11 and an 800 on writing and I used one example, from literature</p>

8

<p>The exception, not the rule, I assure you. The method I exemplified above is considered the standard amongst the best test preparation companies.</p>

9

<p>Well, my best friend got a 780 (although he doesn't know the essay subscore yet) on the Writing test this January. He used one example, from personal experience. His story was about his 7-year old brother who was diagnosed with breast cancer.</p>

<p>I'll guarantee that no test prep company will teach you that one.</p>

10

<p>I didn't prepare for the test...but you must have received an 800 as well, since you're so confident in your method</p>

<p>A detailed description of one example is far better than shallow analysis of three.</p>

11

<p>[url=<a href="http://pantheon.yale.edu/%7Enyl2/frappuccino/%5DThis%5B/url"&gt;http://pantheon.yale.edu/~nyl2/frappuccino/]This[/url&lt;/a&gt;] might be of some help.</p>

<p>Heres the genral outline given on the webpage:

[quote]
The essay is actually quite simple. It most always follows this format:
Prompt: "some statement about an abstract concept, like education or progress or entertainment" Defend, refute, or qualify this quote.</p>

<p>There you have it. The key to tackling these questions is to pre-see them. Know that you will be asked (probably, most likely) to defend, refute, or qualify (give both sides) to some random quote. With that in mind, pre-organize--as in before you enter the test room. Here is the structure that I was told to use, and it worked wonders. </p>

<p>I. Introduction
-- 1st sentence: The statement/quote"[insert prompt's quote]" states/explains/relates that [insert paraphrase].
-- 2nd sentence: In other words, [paraphrase again].
-- 3rd sentence & 4th sentence: Explain 1) whether you will defend, refute, or qulaify 2) which 3 examples you will use to support your claim.</p>

<p>II. Paragraph 1
-- 1st sentence: For example/First, [insert example1]
-- 2nd sentence: explain [example1]
-- 3rd sentence: elaborate on [example1]
-- 4th sentence: tie [example1] back to your claim</p>

<p>III. Paragraph 2: same but for [example2]</p>

<p>IV. Paragraph 3: same but for [example3]</p>

<p>V. Conclusion
-- 1st sentence: Using/Because of/Due to/As depicted by [example1], [example2], and [example3], it is believed/it can be concluded/it is shown that [insert your claim].
-- 2nd sentence: Elaborate on 1st sentence
-- 3rd sentence: Therefore, [restate claim]</p>

<p>Now, you don't have to follow this outline verbatim, but have something like this in mind before you go into the test. That way, you'll have an organized outline and all you have to do is plug in information. Speaking of information, the SAT folks never check for validity--read: make up stuff if you don't have facts. You could say that George Bush grew up on a poor Texas farm and could probably get away with it. Somebody once said that Shaq was from India and got away with it. </p>

<p>Basically, the SAT II: Writing essay is only a test of how well you plug in information. Little brain power required. Be sure to have a framework reading before you enter that testing room. Practice writing using whatever outline you come up with always helps. Read your essay and see if it sounds organized. If not, get a new frame.

[/quote]
</p>

12

<p>Hey, feel free to argue with the Harvard graduates at Sparknotes, the men and women at Princeton Review, Kaplan, etc. who have been helping students improve their scores for decades, and every New SAT Prep book I've ever read.</p>

13

<p>i think those outlines are more to help improve poor writers. IF you are a good writer, any style you write in will be effective and you will get a good grade on the test.</p>

14

<p>Yes- That is for someone that maybe doesnt know how to write an essay. It gives them a simple formula where they can plug in their thoughts and and produce an organized essay, but if you are an accomplished writer and feel confident with another strategy then go for it. The three individual paragraphs with "concrete detail" and 3 commentaries are used so that you dont just throw blanket statements out there and leave them alone. The commentaries force you to analyze what you presented as evidence for the thesis. A single subject such as a piece of literature or a childhood experience can do the exact same thing. As long as you don't get repetitive. The average person could not write a good essay on only a single subject, but once again an accomplished writer is able to. There is no right answer...other than I am always right.</p>