Please rate my 20 minute practice essay for New SAT

<p>This is my essay from collegeboard's free online practice new SAT, any help would be appreciated:</p>

<p>**Prompt: **Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your readings, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Response:</p>

<p>"Success" is considered by many to be a goal paramount in importance. However, with so many individuals all striving for the same goal, competition is also frequently experienced by those seeking success. Indeed, success is one of our society's main goals, and competition is almost certainly a necessary and ultimately inseparable component of success.</p>

<p>One of the earliest recognizers of our innate desire to compete and to succeed was a Renaissance man named Niccolo Machiavelli, author of The Prince. In this short book, Machiavelli essentially provided with the world with its first guide to dirty politics - and also coined the phrase, "the end justifies the means." Machiavelli believed that, as long as the end result (success) was good, it made whatever means taken to arrive at that result (competition) acceptable. Therefore, for hundreds of years, many people have considered competition and success as inseparable means and ends.</p>

<p>Furthermore, an important point to consider is that success is completely relative. Take, for example, the novel Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. In that world, all citizens are born with a social caste permanently assigned to them. There is literally no competition whatsoever in this world, and therefore, those in high positions, do not feel like they have achieved any measure of success because they did not have to compete to get there. This further illustrates the fact that competition and success cannot exist without each other.</p>

<p>The link between success and competition also appears in our own everyday lives. As a high school student, I am under pressure to succeed, despite the fact that if I were to succeed (ie, getting accepted at a selective school), another person will indirectly fail as a result (ie, getting rejected from that same school). This pressure to succeed results in competition. Of course, not everyone desires to get into an Ivy League school, but this does not mean that they do not compete for success - instead, they simply compete for success with a different pool of people. Thus, everyone (no matter what brand of success he or she competes for) must be competitive to succeed.</p>

<p>Competition and success are inseparable means and ends, cannot flourish without each other, and everyone engages in competitive behavior in order to achieve some measure of success. </p>

<p>If you could, critcisms would be great (this is my first essay of this sort), and also please leave an idea of what score this essay would get. Thanks</p>

<p>1/6 The ideas were devloped really well, but the structure was overly wordy. You might want to avoid using so many brackets. Also, you had some minor syntax errors such as: "essentially provided with the world with its first guide to dirty politics." Overall good job, a solid 1-2/6.</p>

<p>whoaaaa... how is a 1 to 2 out of 6 a good job?!?!?!?!</p>

<p>one thing you should realize is that in the 20 minute response you can't write a very great essay in the allotted time and they understand that. </p>

<p>what the people on these boards give for grades can be below what you might expect to get on the real exam!</p>

<p>(600s on writing on practice, real test - 780, go figure).</p>

<p>I think the main thing you have to practice is getting used to that 20 minute response time and write something that is relatively grammatically correct, use some big words, and write something thoughtful if you can.</p>

<p>isn't "the prince" about absolutism of monarch? if it is, then your essay isn't really coherent..</p>

<p>i thought generally u get around... 30 minutes for the essay</p>

<p>why would you do it in 20 instead?!?</p>

<p>According to the instructions of the essay section, the essay is labeled as 25 minutes. However, I typed this essay on the computer (not handwritten), so I decided it would be about the same if I gave myself 20 minutes to do it instesad of 25. I know this isn't completely accurate, but it's just a practice...the real test is still almost two months away. </p>

<p>I don't know if you're allowed to go back to it after time is called (like the old SAT II Writing)...so I just spent the 20 minutes on it and stopped.</p>

<p>rshankar225: Thanks for the criticism, especially about wordiness, now that I'm reading it through again I definitely see your point. I guess it's a problem I should work on, but when I write academic papers that's just the way my writing flows. Definitely something to work on.</p>

<p>rinysline: Yes, The Prince is about those things...but Machiavelli says that absolutism and monarchy are justified IF the ends are good. In other words, if the end result is good, it doesn't matter how you get there. This principle is frequently applied to the business world to describe anyone cutthroat enough to do anything for success. </p>

<p>I haven't read the book word for word but I believe that's the basis of it. If anyone has read the book, and believes this example is completely off-base, please let me know.</p>

<p>iamstupid: Thanks. How was this essay in terms of grammatical correctness, using some big words, being thoughtful (the 3 things you listed at the end of your comment?)</p>

<p>Once again thanks to everyone for the feedback, and please post what you believe my score would be if you get the chance; I'm trying to make an estimate of where I'm at score-wise for the entire new SAT.</p>

<p>grammar i can't really help you with, in a sense it reflects your level of writing because the more complex the writing, the more articulate you can be.</p>

<p>i don't know hwo the new sat questions are ilke, but i'm sure they're pretty broad, so you don't really need to know that many big words, find your own list of sophisticated words (that fit in well of course), that can work in your writing all the time. I know everyone has a favorite word or two they like to plug in their essays. </p>

<p>being creative entails just getting used to the questions. the more you write/prepare for the 20 minute response, the more objective you'll become. give yourself 1-5 minutes to think of a subject you can expound on and really embellish the fine details. </p>

<p>as to your score calculations, don't get smug yet, thats what happened to me the first time i took the sats, and it made me too arrogant and self-satisfied. The sat is an uphill battle, you can never slack off.</p>

<p>OK, thanks. I hope I didn't sound smug in those posts, because I'm really not smug (nor am I confident) at all about these new SATs. It would just be nice to have a rough idea of what my score would be with the essay included, so I know how far I need to go to reach my target.</p>

<p>I give it a 5/6 because the conclusion was a bit lacking. You will not be docked for minor grammar errors.</p>

<p>mm.. I got 10 wrong for the multiples (lol) but got a 11 for the essay (score: 750-b/c easy multiple choice)
I think your essay will be a definite six :)
you really don't need over the rooftop grammar or fancy wording to get a six.. all you need is organization and clear expression. Based on my experience, wordiness, word choice-things like that- don't matter unless u do something totally wrong.
One test taking tip: alloting time is REALLY important. don't go over the multiple choice questions too quickly just because you need time for completing the essay. I took writing twice.. once I really focused on the multiples and got two wrong.. but got an 8 on the essay.. the second time I took it I rushed through the multiples and got 10 wrong........7 wrong on the first 30 questions(lol) so leave only the last five minutes for the essay.
Man.. aren't there "highest combined" writing scores anywhere?</p>

<p>I got a 5 on an essay that I felt a 6th grader could have done better on. It was graded on <a href="http://www.collegeboard.com%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.collegeboard.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Yeah.. SAT2 Writing is really very easy. so are the rest of the subject tests.. the APs are not hard either..</p>

<p>thanks...but for some reason i just dont get AP tests...eh.</p>

<p>I'd give it a 6. This is definitely good stuff, I liked how you developed the essay with 3 specific examples to your choosing; all of which related to your point: Success and competition correllate. What I would've done better is to elaborate more on your claims; for example, You said, " for hundreds of years, many people have considered competition and success as inseparable means and ends..." There was no specific example to make that claim. If you'd put something like a contemporary observation; a sentence, that would've done it.</p>

<p>Also, you should try to pin more on the point. Eg. take the Machiavelli example and do a sole analyzing on it. That way, you can describe the story, the plot, and the meanings in relation to the quote. CB likes these kinds of essays. (They're suckers for it).</p>

<p>But what I really really liked is that your paragraphs paralleled each other to the point. Because you stuck to a point, I have to give you a 6. Even 5's tend to stray a bit. But you've done a good job here.</p>

<p>rshankar has no idea what he's talking about. You should see 1-2 essays, they look like something I wiped my a** on.</p>

<p>Jimmy, you've been posting up essays all over the site lately. I have my hats off to you, for you are quite the avid essay writer. I hope your practise pays off, and I hope you'll get into that Telluride program you want because quite frankly, I can see you enjoy this kind of stuff.</p>

<p>Have you guys ever read the sample 12 essay in the Real Sat 2 books or a princeton review book etc?? They're very immature and not impressive at all. However, they support their theses with around one literature example and a history example, are basically coherent and fluent; that's basically all the graders want. This isn't an AP English essay. The people that grade essays on this board are very pretentious and cavil about the dumbest things. They think they're so great and smart, but they don't know what they're talking about at all. If you can put 2-3 literature/history examples in your essay that make sense and your sentences flow nicely, you'll get a 12. This essay is perfectly fine, a definite 12.</p>

<p>please tell me you're joking, not the person who wrote the essay...I mean the above poster</p>

<p>the essay is pretty good, I'd give it a 10/12</p>

<p>"the essay is pretty good, I'd give it a 10/12"</p>

<p>No. The essay is a 12. By far.</p>

<p>yes, I'm sorry to say, but even on my SAT practise tests, I've never gotten a 1210. usually practise ends up to be 1500's and stuff, and last Saturday's SAT I'm expecting 1480-1600ish. meh, pretty good for sophomore...</p>

<p>jthecanadian: Your encouragement really means a lot to me, because I can see that you've been working hard at this stuff also. Thanks, and best of luck to you too.</p>

<p>tm2000, Spanks, ashernm, rshankar225: Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it</p>