Please read and critique my college admission essay

[puckerfence]

<p>Okay the topic is: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?</p>

<p>heres my essay:</p>

<p>10 years. 10 years is the age gap between my brother and I. When I was born he was entering 5th grade. When I entered first grade, he was getting his license. When I started 3rd grade he was leaving for college. Because we didn’t necessarily grow up together, I always like to think of him as my third parent. He helped me when I fell off my bike and scratched my knees. He picked me up from daycare everyday. He taught me how to fish and play checkers. And he encourages and believes in me more then any other person in my life. 10 years. 10 years is also the amount of time my brother will spend in prison.</p>

<p>In 2009 my brother was involved in a drunk driving accident and unfortunately killed two people. The initial shock of it all put me into a daze for most of my freshman year of high school. I started to become very introverted and lost many friends and began missing out on normal high school things to sit in my room and wallow. As my home life transformed from its usual quiet sanctuary to a whirlwind of chaos filled to the brim with lawyers and doctors, I found myself delving into a cocoon to escape the reality that was now my life. I was ashamed of what was happening and embarrassed to now be the subject of pity.</p>

<p>Growing up I was always the center of attention. I always got what I wanted and always knew where I stood. After the accident I was thrown onto the back burner and my parents’ lives now only revolved around their eldest child. I learned that I was not a princess and that although at times it seemed as if I was an only child, I definitely was not. </p>

<p>As a teenager you learn more and more about yourself. You become the person that you are going to be for the rest of your life. You set morals and goals and find out who you truly are as a person. This tragedy not only muddled my whole outlook on life but also made me completely aware of the unfairness and realities of life. I could no longer be a ditzy teenager who was oblivious of the struggles and pains of our existence. I was thrust into adulthood in more ways than one. Yes, I was still loved and cared for by my parents, but no, my parents were no longer fully there as they used to be. Physically they were there, but mentally they were disconnected and always thinking and worrying about my brother. </p>

<p>I began to grow up and not rely so much on their attention. After a couple of years I realized that punishing myself for a mistake my brother made was not going to benefit me in any way. I began getting active in clubs in my school and gained a new group of friends who were honest and encouraging and had the same interests and goals as me. I began to socialize and got my normal pre-accident jovial and lighthearted attitude back. </p>

<p>While I was not directly in either of the cars that were involved in this accident, this event shaped who I am today. It changed me to be a more loving and patient person with my family. It showed me how to act and handle situations out of our control. And more importantly it showed me that life isn’t and never will be fair, but that’s okay. </p>

<p>Okay I really dont like the last sentence of the essay so any help on ways to revise that would be greaat! also any notes or areas where i could improve it would be extremely helpful! thank you!</p>

[fisix4lyfe]

<p>Just my two cents. This is obviously a very important event in your life. Then why does it read like a book report? Make me feel the emotions you felt. Don’t tell me you were ashamed. What does ashamed feel like? You get me? A tip to do this is to describe exactly what happened when you were ashamed. Did your stomach churn? Additionally, add more metaphors. They are a great tool for conveying feelings.</p>

<p>Also, don’t use “you”. That overgeneralizes what should be a personal event and also drifts away from the prompt</p>

<p>The prose is well done and complex, but make it more personal and real</p>

[CalCool101]

<p>Going of from what the previous user said, avoid using second person pronouns, for sure. I really like the whole “10 years” concept in the first paragraph (it shocked me), but I would get rid of all the gerunds (ex: When I started 3rd grade, he LEFT for college). Aside from many grammatical errors (re-read it) I think it’s strong and a good story to tell. Just put more imagery and emotion into it to convey the situation more clearly to the audience.</p>

[halcyonheather]

<p>

Ten years. Ten years is the age gap between my brother and me. When I was born he was entering fifth grade, when I entered first grade he was getting his license, and when I started third grade he was leaving for college. Because we didn’t necessarily grow up together, I always like to think of him as my third parent. He helped me when I fell off my bike and scratched my knees, he picked me up from daycare every day, and he taught me how to fish and play checkers. And he encourages and believes in me more then any other person in my life. Ten years. Ten years is also the amount of time my brother will spend in prison.

</p>

<p>Please, for the love of God, write out your numbers. I hate seeing that “10” all over the place. :)</p>

<p>

In 2009 my brother was involved in a drunk driving accident that killed two people. The initial shock of it all put me into a daze for most of my freshman year. I started to become very introverted, lost many friends, and began missing out on normal high school things in favor of sitting in my room and wallowing. As my home transformed from a quiet sanctuary to a whirlwind of chaos filled to the brim with lawyers and doctors, I found myself delving into a cocoon to escape the reality that was now my life.

</p>

<p>Everyone’s life is some sort of reality, as far as I know (but ask a philosopher to make sure). There has to be a better word you could use here. </p>

<p>

I was ashamed of what was happening and embarrassed to be the subject of pity.</p>

<p>Growing up I was always the center of attention. I always got what I wanted and always knew where I stood. After the accident I was thrown onto the back burner and my parents’ lives began to revolve around their eldest child. I learned that I was not a princess and that, although it sometimes seemed as though I were an only child, I definitely was not.

</p>

<p>

As a teenager you learn more and more about yourself. You become the person that you are going to be for the rest of your life. You set morals and goals and find out who you truly are as a person.

</p>

<p>No you don’t. Don’t make broad generalizations like this, especially if they aren’t true. Take these sentences out.</p>

<p>

This tragedy muddled my whole outlook on life, but it also made me completely aware of life’s unfairness.

</p>

<p>Completely aware of life’s unfairness? I doubt it. Try to avoid absolute terms like “completely,” for the most part.</p>

<p>

I could no longer be a ditzy teenager, oblivious of the struggles and pains of existence.

</p>

<p>Slightly melodramatic.</p>

<p>

I was thrust into adulthood in more ways than one. My parents still loved and cared for me, but they were no longer as fully there are they used to be. Physically they were near, but mentally they were disconnected, always thinking and worrying about my brother.</p>

<p>I began to grow up and not rely so much on their attention. After a couple years I realized that punishing myself for a mistake my brother made was not going to benefit me. I began getting active in clubs in my school and gained a new group of friends who were honest and encouraging and had the same interests and goals as me.

</p>

<p>Implying that it’s a good thing that your friends have the “same interests and goals” sounds vaguely xenophobic. And you’re probably not really all that similar anyway.</p>

<p>

I began to socialize and got my normal lighthearted attitude back.

</p>

<p>

I was not directly involved in the accident, but it shaped who I am today. I became a more loving and patient person with my family. It showed me how to handle situations out of my control. And most importantly, it showed me that life isn’t and never will be fair, but that’s okay.

</p>

<p>What if I don’t think it’s okay? By saying it’s “okay” that life isn’t fair, you’re trivializing a lot of suffering.<br>
It’s a platitude anyway. Don’t try to generalize your experience to others. That’s the point of the “show, don’t tell” advice. You make fewer assumptions about the world in general, and your thinking ends up being more mature.</p>