PLEASE HELP. college essay. need opinions

<p>i wrote this essay for university of washington essay section awhile back but haven't sent in my applications yet. it's due jan 15 which means i have about 24 hours to send this in on time. i've only given this essay to my peers to read so i'm looking for another point of view. that's when i suddenly remembered about this forum. maybe just a tad late but 24 hours left is worth a try to improve this. thank you. i am open to all comments and criticisms.</p>

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<p>"Can you forgive a person that you don't love— that you may even hate?"</p>

<p>My youth leader asked this question at the first bible study I attended. However, it didn't haunt me. I knew the answer immediately, because I do not love my father, yet I had forgiven him.</p>

<p>Freshman year loomed as torturous, possibly the worst experience I had ever endured. I would soon find it was only the beginning. My parents may have immigrated from Vietnam, but they didn't leave their high standards for me behind. Their expectations intermixed in the bottom of my father's glass and skewed his image of me. His control over me, though unjust and abusive, became the force that would drag and drive me through my teenage years.</p>

<p>Before high school, I existed as a wallflower, never asserting my opinions. Freshman year changed everything. I learned to approach people and ignite conversation. More importantly, I opened up to the people I met there. I found refuge in other students, knowing only they could understand the tears I held back with the barriers of my eyes. Sophomore year darkened my situation further. At only fifteen, I found myself completely burnt-out. The burdens of my first advanced placement course and my first heartbreak only brought me down. My family problems began to bleed into my report card. That year, my father was reported four times: by a teacher, a minister, a parent, and a counselor. Social workers pulled me out of my classes. I sat through interviews, staring at people I didn't know across tables and trying to gather the courage to tell them my story. The compassion my teachers gave me and the escape socialization provided helped me survive. I embraced these new motivations.</p>

<p>Looking back on things, I know that my trials did not lessen by the end of the year. I had just grown stronger. I found strength within myself to finish out my sophomore year. The moment my fate fell into my own two hands, I grabbed at the opportunity. I fought my persistently negative counselors all the way to summer school. Each sunny morning, I woke early and pushed through a long nine hours in a desk. Not a day goes by without a confirmation in my heart that graduating early is the right decision to have been made. I expanded my sphere of friends to a whole new world and met people who were personal warriors fighting their own battles.</p>

<p>Taking control of my own life changed a lot more than the year on my diploma. I learned to live every moment like it edged on my last breath. My time with others grew more precious than anything I had ever experienced. I am no longer a face blending in with the crowd. I am Linda Truong, proud Asian, devoted Christian, loyal daughter and sister. Survivor. I now know that my past is only the beginning. I want nothing more than to begin the next chapter of my life with the University of Washington, in a place as unfamiliar as the feeling of hope I no longer have to search for.</p>

<p>Above all of the things I have gained in the past three years of my life, I realize how wrong I used to be. My initial response to the youth leader was completely wrong: you can not forgive someone if you don’t love them. And after all we have been through together, I know that I do love my dad. He is my father. The negative impact his actions had on me are only as severe as I allow them to be. Everything he did made me the person I am today, a person that knows how to stand up for herself and make her own decisions. I am a person that knows how to thrive when even those designated to protect her do exactly the opposite. I forgive my father...in fact, I thank him. For everything.</p>

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<p>i wrote and rewrote this essay over and over again to not make it too personal and to prevent any chance of pity from occurring in this essay. it may have dulled it a bit. also, if there are areas within this essay that seem sympathetic, please note where and how i could eliminate that. i don't want the admissions officers to think that i'm trying to squeeze some sympathy out of them. i want them to see me as a person that matured through circumstances and will be a great addition to their campus.</p>

<p>do you want suggestions via PM or just a reply?</p>

<p>either way is fine with me. whichever is more convenient for you. thank you.</p>

<p>AHhhh. This essay is boring. You are just telling about stuff instead of showing it... and it's another one of those jock/cliche immigrant essay. </p>

<p>There is nothing real positive that's conveyed through the essay. I dont' really get what point you are tring to make about yourself. </p>

<p>I see too much "I"s going on in your essay. </p>

<p>"I learned to live every moment like it edged on my last breath." Did you really?
You make extreme statements like those that make you look like a saint and you don't have concrete evidence to back up your claim. Thus, your essay sounds very hollow and thoughtless</p>

<p>i agree with your part about extreme statements part. i'll probably revise those areas.</p>

<p>however, i disagree about this essay being a cliche immagrant essay. the only mention of it is the beginning, saying that my parents immigrated here. i was born here and i don't intend to write about the hardships of being immigrants because i am not one. i only wrote about my journey through high school and that's all there is to it.</p>

<p>thank you for you comment tho. i will really take it into consideration and change my essay if i see that it is absolutely necessary.</p>