please read... only 150 words

Applying to College
1

this is the common app significant essay and why…

With one swift thrust, the three-hundred pound police officer is on the floor, trying hard to mask the pain. I look around. Seventy-eight women stand aghast; within a couple of seconds, however, I see weak smiles break through their apprehensive faces. I smile. This is my handiwork.

During my sophomore year, I organized a community-wide self-defense class.

As I watch Officer Carani escape from her partner’s headlock, thoughts flash through my head. Why am I doing this? Will anyone ever use this? Then, I meet Amy, a mentally-handicapped girl. “T’ank you. I not a’faid!” She is talking about her abusive father. But this is not what catches my attention. Rather, it is the awry grin that follows. In those innocent eyes, I saw an uncomplicated, ingenuous universe smiling at me. I stopped worrying and smiled. “Thank you Amy. I’m no longer a’faid of the world.”

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<p>I don't think I would quote the handicapped girl like that. Even though, yes, she may speak like that, I would just quote her as you would anyone else: "Thank you. I'm not afraid!"</p>

3

<p>yeah it sounds like you are making fun of her.</p>

4

<p>thanks... i didnt even think of it that way</p>

5

<p>I think it's "wry" not "awry"</p>

6

<p>Is Officer Carani the 300-pounder? I'm a little confused. </p>

<p>It seems like the second paragraph needs developing and the final paragraph needs trimming.</p>

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<p>"Then, I meet Amy, a mentally-handicapped girl. “T’ank you. I not a’faid!” She is talking about her abusive father"</p>

<p>When I first read this, I thought you meant she is saying her father is no longer afraid. Even though the meaning is obviously that Amy is no longer afraid of her father, you should clear this up somehow.</p>