Rate my essay guys.

Please comment on my essay and do not hesitate to post constructive/brutal criticism, especially on cliche, clearness, and construction.

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The familiar mechanical tremors swept over my body. Again in the 811 bus, I was heading toward my volunteer place, the American Red Cross, Mountain Valley Chapter. I looked at the vacant seat across me, and I giggled—almost hammered my head from irrepressible gaiety. Half laughing, I looked at my watch. 2:40pm. I still had about 20 minutes to go.

Two hours earlier, I was tightening my backpack close to my shoulders and rushing toward a nearby bus station from school, while my friends were busy planning for afternoon funs. School was out at 12:30pm and the next bus was scheduled at 12:40pm; I had to hurry. Perhaps I could ask a friend to give me a ride to the bus station, but I always insisted on running. I liked to resonate my short breaths with my hasty steps, watching mountains reflected on a lake. Even more, the chill air of early spring enthralled me.

On boarding, I took out a bus coin along with today’s vocabulary list; it became an inveterate habit for me to enlarge the vocabulary of a new language. Today’s list was from V to Z, which I had gone over numerous times in the past two years here in America. Vanguard…waggish…zeal. When I finished, I looked at my watch. 1:20pm. It was about time. At the next stop, a stout male Caucasian with sunglasses and a blue hood—the same attire as last week, the week before, and two weeks before—rebelliously stepped in. Gnashing his teeth at the passengers, he sat across me, his usual seat. I could see other passengers turn seemingly to protect themselves. To tell the truth, this was now a mundane scene for me; I had observed him swinging his fists and swearing at people many times before. However, they restrained from calling the authorities because of his odd accents and strides that indicated his mental handicap.

While most looked at him with condescending pity, contemptible jeer, or convenient indifference, the bus driver convivially offered salutation to him. As usual, they talked about the weather and eccentric people.

During this situation, I was deeply emerged in contemplation. Am I among the passengers who look down upon him or am I like the bus driver? I was not alien from the handicapped; in fact, I even devoted my summers to them in a special facility in Korea. Every other morning, I ran or rode bicycles to a subway station to go to the facility, feeling the palpable humidity and memorizing the usual vocabulary. Once I arrived there, I pulled out a language book and taught Korean alphabets to the children and adults. While I was teaching, they frequently held my hands as if they were ensuring that I was there, visible and tangible. Feeling their hesitant hands, afraid of things outside their world, I squeezed them and amply gave the warmth of a stranger.

Questioning all my devotion and compassion for the handicapped, the intractable man did not allow me to approach—rather, I could not avail myself to him. It was as if I were a complete stranger in an unfamiliar place, afraid of touching anything.

Suddenly, an exuberant face of my friend flashed in my mind. About twenty-three years old, he was my best friend in the facility I worked. When I first met him, I was not even included in his world. But as I gradually disclosed myself to him, remind him of how my laughter sounded like, and touched his sensibility through communication, he responded with the world he had kept from me. And I became a firm constituent in his world, in which I gently provided with fresh breeze.

His sparkling face reminded me of the man sitting in front of me. Objectively, there was a sole similarity between them: both were mentally handicapped. Besides that, one was an Asian, and the other Caucasian. One never wore any type of glasses, but the other always covered his face with sunglasses. One was smiling, while the other was growling.

<h2>I remembered; simple words had mysterious chords that elicited one’s hidden world. I saw myself reflected on his sunglasses; I was smiling, and was boldly but gently stepping into a new, exotic world.</h2>

<p>Words in the essay like "gaiety, inveterate, intractable" are abnormally used and sound forced like you consulted a thesauras regularly, even if you didn't. </p>

<p>"Mundane" is irregularly used in the context and is awkward. Why not say somehting like "oridnary?"</p>

<p>"While most looked at him with condescending pity, contemptible jeer, or convenient indifference, the bus driver convivially offered salutation to him." This sentence is overdone. It's like a really good cake with pounds and pounds of terrible icing.</p>

<p>What you need to do is simplify your sentences. Stop trying to impress because this is actually what does NOT impress them. </p>

<p>Secondly and more importantly, this is not an essay. This is a detailed story of you on a bus. What was the prompt of the essay? Did you answer the question?</p>

<p>The essay is supposed to reveal something important about you but I learned more about the other characters in your story than about you. </p>

<p>An essay usually has a 'cause-effect-what I learned' attribute to each paragraph. This is simply like reading a novel.</p>

<p>A more positive review:</p>

<p>I was thoroughly delighted by the vivacious imagery you were able to construct. Even though the milieu was commonplace, I was still kept interested by how you were able to describe everything. </p>

<p>"Secondly and more importantly, this is not an essay. This is a detailed story of you on a bus. What was the prompt of the essay? Did you answer the question?"</p>

<p>My essay was about my first day on the school bus and my AO at Duke told me it was one of the finest she read out of 1000. Formulaic "this is what I learned" vignettes are not going to refresh the AO or inspire them one bit. That part should be transparent by the text. However, I do agree in the sense that the essay was sodden with five dollar words. We know you are smart and your AO will know that already. It's hard to "dumb" yourself down, but I believe you have to in order to retain the integrity of the piece.</p>

<p>The middle dragged a bit but I love the part about the children. Try to give more imagery to their sophomoric movements to help express how much they depended on you. Maybe this essay is somewhat ambigious? It tends to shift time periods frequently and become overly saturated. In short, I think you are a fine writer. However, try to enhance interest in the paper and maybe throw in a drop of humor every once in a while to refresh the AO.</p>

<p>Tell more about yourself. The essay is meant to let the admissions people know what kind of person you are. They can tell more from something more informative and less narrative. Also, use words your comfortable with and use in your regular vernacular. Those words more closely describe you and will prevent from bogging down your essay with your common two word phrases like: "Impressible gaiety" or "contemptible jeer".</p>

<p>quite simply, your essay sounds very stiff, no flow. And there's not much about YOU.</p>

<p>why are you posting your essays all over the internet. that is a very stupid idea. what if the college you are applying to gets 10 of the same essays? ask someone you trust to go over them.</p>

<p>Good point. Post these in a PM. The mods warned us of this.</p>