Please Respond-- Can Anyone Relate? My Friend is Gone

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>We're freshmen into our 2nd month of college. She was a cutter and on medication, she got so drunk and messed up a week ago that she went to the hospital for days. Now she is being sent home. I'm never going to see her again, because her home is across the country and she won't respond to any of our contacts.</p>

<p>What do I do? The guilt is really, really bad. I asked her about her cuts several times but she would either get confrontational or she would just not respond at all. I never went partying with her, so I never knew how much she drank. I didn't even know she was on medication until I found out she winded up in the hospital.</p>

<p>None of us-- none of our friends-- really said anything. No one stopped her from drinking. No one asked about her medication, even though most of the others knew about before me. No one pushed her about her cutting, even though it was obvious. Where is the line? Between being nosy and accepting people's privacy? We don't know. We failed.</p>

<p>I thought that other than the cut marks, she was fine every other way: she was pretty smart, and she had a billion friends and was cute etc. No one thought she was so sad and messed up inside. </p>

<p>Has anyone else had a good friend who just couldn't take it?</p>

2

<p>My friend was at Pepperdine this year for her first semester. Then one day I heard she was in the medical ward at UCLA. She had gone insane. No one knew what was wrong. She hadn't taken any drugs. She was in an asylum like place for maybe a month and then came back home to Northern California. It was strange.</p>

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<p>I feel for you PEALS...I became close friends with someone who cut and was on medication my freshman year too. Luckily she only drank sparingly and never landed herself in the hospital, but I (after 6 months or so) had the unfortunate task of calling her parents and telling them about her cutting and some of her history so that she could get back into seeing a psychologist during the schoolyear. It is never easy to deal with someone like that, and although they may be a great friend, you still never know what you should do.
Maybe with time, she will respond. I thought I had lost my friend for good, but now we are closer than ever. <strong>hug</strong></p>

4

<p>" Where is the line? Between being nosy and accepting people's privacy? We don't know"</p>

<p>Cross the line when a friend's actions could be dangerous to themselves or others. It is not your fault that you didn't know this since you've probably not encountered such a situation before.</p>

<p>"Now she is being sent home. I'm never going to see her again, because her home is across the country and she won't respond to any of our contacts."</p>

<p>You don't know if you'll never see her. The world is very small. It may be that now she's not responding to contacts because either she's embarassed or she's working hard on getting well. Send an occasional note or e-mail letting her know that you miss her, and wish her well. Let her know that even though she's gone, you still hope to remain friends. Don't expect a quick reply. She is working right now to save her life.</p>

5

<p>"I thought that other than the cut marks, she was fine every other way: she was pretty smart, and she had a billion friends and was cute etc. No one thought she was so sad and messed up inside."</p>

<p>Cutting is a physical way of expressing the pain inside. Personally, I was a burner (a few years ago) and it was really a cry for help. Because you say that her cutting was obvious, it was probably a way of your friend to ask for help. Continue to be there for her. Even though she's not responding, know that support is probably what she needs.</p>

<p>Like Northstarmom said, let her know that you miss her, etc. Don't pepper her with stressful questions, and don't expect a response. Just know that you are helping her by keeping her in your thoughts and worrying about her.</p>

<p>PS to all CCers: If you know or suspect that someone you know is cutting/burning/harming themselves, talk to someone! You don't necessarily need someone to intervene, but a counselor or advisor could help you figure out a way to deal with it, rather than confronting the individual. Most will deny that they are doing it, even though it is a "cry for help". Continue being a good friend. Be supportive. Call for help if it gets dangerous.</p>

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<p>I had a good friend who cut. She was also a fabulous student and is now going to a very prestigious college -- the cutting was something that most people didn't even suspect. She told me about it actually but I've talked to a few people, mainly because I was trying to shoulder all the responsibility on myself to make her better and I couldn't. Eventually she stopped talking to me. She didn't tell me why. I don't know if she's okay, I don't know if she's surviving college pressures. I still miss her a lot.</p>

7

<p>My friend back home recently called me and told me that our friend at VCU had told him he was cutting himself. My friend had been hiding it for a week but was going crazy and finally decided to tell me and another friend at UVa. After consulting with us, he finally got the guts to go to our friend's house and face his parents to tell them, as they were about to leave for a two-day visit to VCU. He later told me that he would never forget seeing their faces, but he did feel much better after telling them. I don't know what has happened since and I don't think I will until I get back home in December.</p>

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<p>First of all, it's NOT your fault.</p>

<p>I have been in a similiar situation in my freshman year. I got very close to this girl and we were practically attached at our hips. She was always under stress and complain about it and I just listened. But what I hadn't realize how much toll this had on me until she withdrew from college in mid-second semester.</p>

<p>It turned out that she was bi-polar. I knew that she was taking meds for depression but didn't know that they had stopped working, therefore, her brain chemistry became unbalanced. Thus, it had an effect on her behavior that affected those who were close to her. She used to break down into tears when you bring up a trigger word. More than once, I comforted her. </p>

<p>What was shocking to me was battling for her life and to hear that she had wound up in a hospital for suicide a couple days later. I couldn't believe that I was dealing with a suicidal person and cried over the weekend while unable to find someone who could be confidiant. All I could keep thinking that I DID see the signs of depression and suicide (her announcement of dropping several activities at once, suicidal talks, etc). Then, I was told that the doctors had diagnosed her bi-polar, which made me very confused.</p>

<p>Should I forgive her or not? Should I feel pity for her or not? I was invited to see her but I was not so sure because I didn't know how to feel or act towards her. I was encouraged to come after speaking with her brother and our RA. She acted JUST fine when I saw her. It was a major shock but relief for me. It was just so scary because I couldn't remember what was the last time she behaved like this.</p>

<p>I left more confused. Then several days later, I became angry at myself and at her. I was more hurt than anything else because I came to a revelation that she had used me as a therapist, not as a friend. Now, I'm a pretty good listener and am very sensitive to others, but it was just no excuse for treating me like that. It was definitely obvious how she treated her friends- I was the only one who KNEW everything about her. A couple of her other close friends dropped their jaws when I spilled everything to her. They had no clue who she really was.</p>

<p>So yes, as you can see, I carryied a heavy burden on my shoulders and am still affected today whenever I talk about it in person. </p>

<p>As for the contact thing, sometimes it's just best to let go. She did write to me when she went home but I never answered back. I just still didn't know how to express my thoughts. I didn't want to pretend. I didn't EVEN say good-bye to her when she came back to campus to pick up her stuff- I avoided her deliberately. I wrote only once but never heard anyway. She deserved it- she was also just too immature for college life. I just couldn't support her because she hurt me so badly.</p>

<p>Since you didn't know this girl, you are better off not knowing any more details about her life. Just focus on yourself and your life. There are OTHER people in the world who want to demand your time. This is all part of education that we get outside of classroom in college. Your tutition money is now well worth it.</p>

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<p>" was more hurt than anything else because I came to a revelation that she had used me as a therapist, not as a friend. Now, I'm a pretty good listener and am very sensitive to others, but it was just no excuse for treating me like that. It was definitely obvious how she treated her friends- I was the only one who KNEW everything about her. A couple of her other close friends dropped their jaws when I spilled everything to her. They had no clue who she really was."</p>

<p>It's important for you to realize that your friend didn't deliberately use you as a therapist. She wasn't trying to use you. She was a very sick person who didn't realize how sick she was. It sounds like you were a good listener, cared about her, and therefore you got to hear more of her problems than did less empathic or patient people.</p>

<p>Mental illness is different than other types of illness that can result in symptoms that are relatively obvious: physical pain, extreme fatigue, fever, cough, rash, etc. </p>

<p>It can be very hard -- darn near impossible --for people who are bi-polar to realize when they need a medication adjustment. When they become manic, to them, they may feel really, really good -- elated, wonderful. When they start becoming depressed, it can creep up on them, and they may think that their fatigue, tearfulness, irritability are due to whatever stress is in their lives (and everyone's life has stress).</p>

<p>I don't see anything to forgive in her. She was sick, and she acted like a sick person. Would you need to forgive a diabetic person who fainted or acted as if they were intoxicated because their blood sugar was low? </p>

<p>My thoughts are that it probably would help you work through your feelings on this if you learn more about mental illness, particularly bi-polar disorders. </p>

<p>Here's some info from the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill site: </p>

<p>What are the causes of bipolar disorder?</p>

<p>"While the exact cause of bipolar disorder is not known, most researchers believe it is the result of a chemical imbalance in*certain parts of the brain. Other evidence suggests that the disorder results from impairments of the function of intracellular signaling pathways (the "machinery" inside nerve cells) within specific areas of the brain. Scientists have found evidence of a genetic predisposition to the illness. An active area of research involves trying to understand what those genes are that lend susceptibility to developing the disorder. Bipolar disorder tends to run in families, and close relatives of someone with bipolar disorder are more likely to be affected by the disorder. Sometimes serious life events such as a serious loss, chronic illness, illicit or prescription drug use or financial problems, can trigger an episode in some individuals with a predisposition to the disorder. There are other possible "triggers" of bipolar episodes: the treatment of depression with an antidepressant medication may trigger a switch into mania, sleep deprivation may trigger mania, or hypothyroidism may produce depression or mood instability. It is important to note that bipolar episodes can and often do occur without any obvious trigger." <a href="http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=23037%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=23037&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Peals - you have recently been confronted with a situation that you will face more and more as you grow older - the dilemma of when to intervene and when not to - and if you don't do anything and the results turn negative can you cope with what you may feel has been a Sin of Ommission?</p>

<p>These are always hard situations - we parents of teens face them often when our kids divulge information to us about activities their friends do that can put their lives in jeoparody (i.e. cutting, drugs, drinking, multiple incidents of unprotected sex) and as parents we ponder when/if we should intervene and tell the parents or suggest to our teen to encourage her friend to talk with the parents or simply leave it alone.</p>

<p>So where do you draw the line? My bottom line has always been about safety - if it can kill a kid, or get them thrown in jail, or if a kid is purposefully harming themselves or someone else, I intervene. For example:</p>

<p>If I learn a steady boyfriend is sneaking into his girlfriend's basement bedroom to spend the night, should I let the parents know? (No)</p>

<p>If I learn that same boyfriend is occasionally beating the girl up, do I let the parents know? (Yes - I tell her parents and suggest his parents be told)</p>

<p>If I know a kid is popping Ritalin or Zoloft and drinking Vodka at the same time, do I tell his parents? (Yes or I talk to the kid myself)</p>

<p>I do not like being the whistleblower and some people do not take kindly to the "messenger" - then again, I am also not comfortable with the price I can pay for a Sin of Ommission - which sounds like something you are feeling right now.</p>

<p>But the truth is this: sometimes no matter what you do, nothing will change. And sometimes people's problems are far more overwhelming than one or two people - especially untrained people - can handle. </p>

<p>In such situations in college, it's never a bad idea to go and talk with the campus counselor or even your academic advisor (if you are on close terms with them) and share your worries about your roomate/friend as well as explore your own feelings re: what you feel comfortable doing. Sometimes its best just to alert the experts and let them take if from there....</p>

<p>I agree - write your friend a letter, tell her how you feel and how you hope she's doing better - Put it out there and maybe it will come back to you. But if it doesn't, go easy on yourself, know you've learned some vakluable lessons through this episode in life, and put them to good use in the future.</p>

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<p>I think this is a very important thread. A lot of kids are first diagnosed as bipolar or schizophrenic in their late teens or early twenties, the prime college years. When the mentally fragile person moves outside of his family unit, there is much less awareness of how abnormal his behavior has become. The roommate may be the closest observer, but he or she also has almost no background or experience to draw on. </p>

<p>If you have concerns about your friend or roommate, talk to an RA or counselor about them. Keep a list of the symptoms, if you can; it will help the counselor understand the situation better. Also, find out what family member your friend is closest to, and get a phone number in case of an emergency. At some point, you may want to talk to the family member if you see things that are really worrisome. </p>

<p>Recovering from a mental breakdown is a difficult journey. Don't be too harsh in judging someone who has had his or her life turned upside down. After a mental breakdown, a patient often lives under strict supervision, with little outside contact, instead of a normal life. You can't understand this unless you have seen someone go into a mental health facility.</p>