!@~Please review my essay~@!

<p>Here is a rough draft of my college essay. Plllllease give me any advice that you have - you are free to tear this appart and criticize. I greatly appreciate it!</p>

<p>As I walk into the compact, sound-insulated room every morning just to hear the invigorating vibrations of my violin, I cannot help but yearn for the sounds that satisfy my mind, body and soul. A relief for my tensions and stresses of the day, playing the violin has not only satisfied my inner workings, but it has been a catalyst in the development of my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth as a musician and a human being.
I suppose when I became a “Suzuki baby” at the age of six, by learning through the squeaks and groans of my violin, I embarked on my musical journey – a journey that has taught me lessons on all aspects of life. Until recently, I was oblivious to the possibility that my musical aspirations could actually have an integral purpose in improving the lives of others as well as my own.
Later on in my career as an aspiring musician, the power of music became intuitive to me; from the music on the radio to the resonating choir at my church, music became the almighty force in my life, evoking emotional and psychological reactions. What became most apparent to me was the power of music to heal, specifically at times of loss and sorrow.
After I was coping with a significant loss, I decided to take action and help other people deal with similar problems. This experience inspired me to make a difference in the lives of others, so I sought out the Hospice Care Center to see how I could help. My mom had been a volunteer of the organization for many years, but I wasn't ready until just recently: now was the time in my life that I could show others how to cope and how to deal.
Although unsure of what to expect, I eventually decided to begin volunteering at Hospice. They offered a summer camp for children and teenagers that allow those who are dealing with a recent loss, the ability to seek support with other people dealing with similar situations. At first, it was difficult to approach the grief-stricken children and I needed to find a way to approach them in a familiar way that would be helpful to them.
Within a few hours, I discovered there was a music therapist there and immediately introduced myself. She described how she approached the children through percussive music and composition; through projects such as composing a song about a memory of their loved one, the children were able to musically connect their emotions, thoughts and feelings. This shed new hope in the realization that approaching the children would be a facile task. Of course, music had always played the most significant role in my life; because music encompassed my life, I knew that it would be not only a joy, but a pleasure to incorporate music in coping with grief. Leigh Hunt once said, “Music is the medicine of the breaking heart,” and I am in full concurrence of this statement. Not only has music connected me with helping other people, but it has helped me through daily life.
My recent decision to transfer to a performing arts high school was a beneficial decision; however, it added a great deal of stress at a time when I was still trying to cope with my loss. Along with auditioning for a demanding conductor for our orchestra and pursuing my rigorous academic and extracurricular interests, I became overwhelmed with emotional conflict. It suddenly occurred to me that I could only perform effectively and achieve the technical artistry and dynamics required for our orchestra if I utilized my grief and somehow expressed it in my playing.
Pacing down the hallway before my audition, I felt the tension mounting and my insecurity rising; however, I knew that I must remain professional, cool and collected. The second I set foot on stage, the chaotic whirlwind in my mind suddenly transferred into my playing. The sweet sounds of my violin came pouring through the mass of the recital hall and the grief and sadness I was feeling took control of my musicality. After a successful audition, I knew that music would always embrace the emotional support that I need. While carrying this experience with me, I could only think of how I have helped others deal with grief and attain the same emotional support that I have gained through my musical journey.
I suppose this musical journey has taught me intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and socially - music is my way of life. However, I am only a young woman just beginning my musical exploration with many years of intellectual, spiritual, and emotional growth ahead of me. As Beethoven once said, “music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life.” As I embrace life in my years to come, I hope to reconcile my spiritual and emotional differences through the only way I have ever coped – through music.</p>

<p>bbbbuuuummmpppp</p>

<p>To me, nothing stands out in this essay or specifically about you that is lasting. I won't go back and think of you or this essay. Do not take this as an offense to your personality, it is not. I'm just saying you need to add some "spice" to the essay to make it better.</p>

<p>The topic is rather cliche, but practically everything can be considered cliche today, so take that with a grain of salt.</p>

<p>I don't really see how the hosptial thing ties in. I understand the thing with the music therapist, but it doesn't really tie in that well.</p>

<p>Also, you never mentioned what your "loss" was. You may not want to reveal it, and if this is the case, do not mention it at all. It is way too vague and frustrates the reader in a sense.</p>

<p>Your essay necessarily isn't bad, it's just not amazing or outstanding. You need to find a way to have the adcoms remember it. More needs to stand out.</p>

<p>Anyway, those are my opinions. I might post more later. I might have been a little harsh, I apologize.</p>

<p>no, i really appreciate your honesty.
any suggestions on "spicing it up"?</p>

<p>Way too long, but you could end it with the paragraph that ends with "daily life."</p>

<p>I agree with rlm919, it is also rather lengthy.</p>

<p>Personally, I want you to tell me more on why you love music so much. Explain it more than "intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and socially" - saying something like that is vague and very cliche. </p>

<p>Explain what emotions it stirs up, and how it has helped you spiritually and socially. This is much more personal and more of what an adcom wants to hear.</p>

<p>Example: You say "catalyst in the development of my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth as a musician and a human being". HOW HAS IT DONE THIS? EXPLAIN.</p>

<p>Ok, some of my thoughts. </p>

<p>You tend to write quite long sentences and then use semi-colons. I would try breaking things up with some shorter sentences here-and-there, which will hopefully make it a little easier to read quickly (like an adcom unfortunately will). </p>

<p>Often, you also use lists of words such as "intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and socially." I'm not sure what it is about this, but it I think trying to include all these words devalues your message. I would choose two. </p>

<p>Overall, I think the first two paragraphs could be shortened considerably. Essentially, they communicate that music is very important to you. The most interesting part of the essay is the music counseling portion -- at least to me, this is orginal concept that I want to hear more about. </p>

<p>If it was my essay, I would make this the centerpiece of the essay. Talk about a specific incident where, through music, you were able to help someone deal with grief, or something to that effect. I'm sure that music does mean a lot to you, but keep in mind that it means probably equally as much to a lot of other people. The description of the rush of emotions before and during a performance is well developed, but I feel i have read it elsewhere before. The whole counseling thing, on the other hand, is really interesting. Good Luck.</p>

<p>To be brutally honest - it's boring. It's one of those essays that have good content and is pretty solid grammatically but you would never want to read again.</p>

<p>This probably won't help you too much, but you know when you have an amazing essay when someone reads it once and asks you if they can keep it so they could read it again later.</p>

<p>I was kinda bored 3/4 of the way through and it was hard to continue it. I kinda felt like you were listing things, even though you were probably trying to avoid that. My best suggestion is to add some humor, and even critize yourself a little bit. That way you can give a boring essay (sorry again) some life and personality. For instance, start with an action: I grabbed my sword, and slashed at all the strings on my wooden violen and laughed out loud like a manic when I five years old. However as I got older the destructive sounds became melodies.I know my example kinda sucked, but you get my point. Anyway good luck, and if you need anymore help I'll try to assist you.</p>

<p>You are using some cliches that I would avoid. They make you paper sound a bit dull.</p>

<p>Start out with something happening - some action, not just a generalization you have about the violin. You might also want to critisize yourself somehow, and then move to how you worked your way up and became better and better.</p>

<p>So, you are talking about music and your "emotional reactions." What are these reactions? How do they come to you? Are they stirred by feelings you already have, ex. anger from an argument, joy from a good test at school? Be specific and you'll be terrific. :)
Hope that helps.</p>

<p>very cliche-ish.</p>

<p>"Later on in my career as an aspiring musician, the power of music became intuitive to me"</p>

<p>If I was reading this, I would get goosebumps up my spine. After just one paragraph, music has suddenly become intuitive? Do not tell them that music has become intuitive to you, show them through an experience. Avoid cliche lines like this, and like:</p>

<p>As I walk into the compact, sound-insulated room every morning just to hear the invigorating vibrations of my violin, I cannot help but yearn for the sounds that satisfy my mind, body and soul.</p>

<p>"Mind, Body and Soul" is another example of you TELLING and not SHOWING. Its easy to make statements like this, but it's much much harder to describe this attachment through an experience while figuring out a way to connect with the reader. </p>

<p>If I were you, I would write about your first day at the hospice. Describe the surroundings without any hesitation to use poetic license. And then SHOW them that your COMPASSION and your philanthropy in this environment was through your music.</p>

<p>hayhay, my advice to you is to not post any more essays for everyone to read because people can steal them off CC. Ask for someone trustworthy (or a CC "veteran") to read your essay over a private message. You don't know what kind of desperate high school seniors there are. Aight!!</p>

<p>wow! thanks for alllll the awesome input! i'm now ready to go rewrite my rough draft :-)</p>