Please score my essay and give me some feedback???

<p>Full Prompt: If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a State has no business telling a man, sitting alone in his own home, what books he may read or what films he may watch. Our whole constitutional heritage rebels at the thought of giving government the power to control men’s minds. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall It is simply the act of a responsible society that recognizes that some material made for adults is not appropriate for children. Susan Baker, the Parent’s Music Resource Center</p>

<p>Assignment: Is censorship sometimes justified? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, and observations.</p>

<pre><code> What usually comes to mind when we hear the word "censorship" is loss of freedom or rigid control by a totalitarian government. However, censorship is sometimes justified because children need to be protected from exposure to mature content. As Susan Baker of the Parent's Music Resource Center puts it, "it is simply the act of a responsible society that recognizes that some material made for adults is not appropriate for children." Excessively scary and violent video games and pornography are two examples in which censorship is sometimes justified.

My brother, who just turned 9 recently, loves playing a Wii game called Resident Evil. The main objective of the game is to survive the zombie and monster attacks and to shoot as many zombies as possible. The graphic violence shown in this game is incredible. Blood spurts out of a zombie's neck after it had been decapitated, blood and gore splatters on the screen as the main character gets blown to pieces by laser beams, a monster shreds a man into bits.....All this is having an effect on my brother. At night, he's scared to sleep alone and he always needs someone to accompany him to the bathroom or anywhere dark. Obviously, censorship would be justified here. the violent content of the video game is simply unsuitable for my brother.

Another instance in which censorship is justified is pornography in the vicinity of children. A young child's mind still needs to develop more before he or she can truly differentiate reality and what they see on TV. Not so long ago, in Taiwan, a young boy of 7 was caught kissing and groping his neighbor, a 5 year old girl. The police was shocked, but they soon discovered the boy and girl had been watching porn the boy's father kept in the house. This newstory was in all the TV channels that day. Society seemed baffled at the actions of the child. Quite evidently, pornography influenced the children negatively. That kind of material is simply not appropriate for them. Censorship in this case would be fully justified.

In conclusion, although people generally see censorship as a bad thing, censorship is sometimes justified. Some material made for adults are simply not appropriate for children. Violent video games and pornography are two common examples.
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<p>I cannot expect you to write the same essay in your SAT exam. For example quoting as below seems somewhat difficult:
As Susan Baker of the Parent’s Music Resource Center puts it, “it is simply the act of a responsible society that recognizes that some material made for adults is not appropriate for children.” </p>

<p>Overall, I would award it somewhere between 4 and 5 (9). For proper use of example it certainly deserve 5 but conclusion and introduction need to be improved.</p>

<p>Well, the quote was in the full prompt area. The practice test I used provided that. But anyway, thanks for scoring my essay. Can you give me some suggestions on how I could improve my conclusion and intro?</p>

<p>I admit that I had myself received 9 in my SAT essay! So perhaps I am not the right person. Yet let me give a try…</p>

<p>No one wants to see the youngs grow into a prurient and vindictive citizens. These young minds,who are still incapable to distinguish the right and the wrong, are becoming prime targets. Should not they be protected by censorship?</p>