Please score my essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>I've only just started with practising for the essay (which is not an excuse for what's to follow) so I'd like to know right off the bat what I need to be working on (it will probably be 'everything', nevertheless). (I already realize I need to speed up and write more). </p>

<p>Without a clear goal to focus our energy and drive us to grow, we cease to be truly alive. We are inert particles floating on the sea of life. This is true of not only ourselves, but our institutions—our families, our corporations, and our societies. The moment we cease to grow, we begin to die.</p>

<p>Assignment: Is growth necessary to a happy and productive life? </p>

<p>Growth is the prime ingredient in the recipe that results into happiness and productivity, because without it all entities become stagnant; their paths cease to proceed. Growth can be considered to be the product that results when any being ventures into unchartered territories and emerges wiser than before. This process is essential for life to be fruitful, as is demonstrated by explorer Adrian Hayes and technology genius Steve Jobs.</p>

<p>Adrian Hayes is a three-time Guinness World Record holder who has not only scaled Mt. Everest but has adventured through the North Pole, South Pole and Sahara desert. After having conquered the Three Poles Challenge, and in the process breaking his first World Record, he did not simply sit back and consider his life’s goals to have been fulfilled. Rather, the experience only fuelled the fire for adventure into a conflagration, and he went on to explore Greenland and the Sahara Desert. Thus, his experiences broadened his vision and growth enabled him to accomplish more. </p>

<p>Steve Jobs’ experiences provide further valuable insight. As he worked to develop a tablet, Mr. Jobs realized the potential for the very software to be integrated into a mobile phone. Consequently, the iPhone was born. Despite its success, Mr. Jobs strove to build other gadgets – the iPod and iPad resulted – launching Apple Inc. even further into the world of success, while simultaneously making the world an easier place to live in. Therefore, it can be seen that the process of striving to improve can facilitate innovation.</p>

<p>Growth is critical for any venture or life to be fruitful and meaningful. Taking risks and learning from them broadens one’s visions, pushes one to be and do more, and opens up new avenues to happiness and creativity that one may never have envisioned before.</p>

2

<ol>
<li>As jaredmot1 said, be careful about using words/phrases correctly. Also try to address all aspects of the question (elaborate more on happiness and the degree of necessity-- you have productivity covered) in order to answer the question completely… Good luck!</li>
</ol>

3

<p>So basically: Focus on the topic more and stop trying so hard with vocab and stuff.
Thanks so much! :)</p>

4

<p>I tried again. If anybody could give me feedback on this, it’d be highly appreciated. (Warning: I think I use the same people as examples too often).</p>

<p>Too often, people—especially young people, who may not have settled on a firm identity yet—try to imitate others, because it is easier to do so than to develop their own unique individuality. They focus on trying to imitate what seems attractive or desirable in others. But imitating others is never a good idea: when we imitate others, all we do is harm our ability to develop our own individuality.</p>

<p>Is imitation of others always harmful? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Imitation of others is not always harmful; on the contrary, mimicking someone often leaves the individual better equipped to find their own personality. It has rightly been proposed by Albert Bandura in his Social Learning Theory that role models are similar to the person modeling after them. Therefore, when an individual chooses to mimic another, it is because there are already some shared characteristics between themselves and the model. As a result, following the pathways dictated by the model can actually aid the individual to ‘find himself’. My personal experiences, as well as those of explorer Adrian Hayes and spiritual leaders Dalai Lama bear witness to this truth.</p>

<p>As the younger sibling, I would always follow in my brother’s footsteps. Whatever he wanted, I wanted. Similarly, whatever he did, I did. He has always been an avid tennis player, and by the age of seven was playing regularly at the local gymkhana. At four, I found myself seeking to be like him, and although I could barely hold up a racket, I was often seen trying to copy his actions. Consequently, today I am a good tennis player and my skill shave allowed me to interact with people I never would talk to otherwise.</p>

<p>Similar to my experience is that of explorer Adrian Hayes. One of his role models is the 19th Century explorer Wilfred Thesiger. Mr. Thesiger was the first person to cross the Arabian desert on foot. Mr. Hayes decided to attempt to achieve this very remarkable feat himself, and this led him to grow both as an explorer and a person. It further gave him the courage to attempt other such expeditions, which have contributed towards the Guinness World Records that he holds.</p>

<p>Furthermore, the holy leaders Dalai Lama are well known and highly revered in the contemporary world. They seek inspiration from the teachings of Buddha and imitate his way of life. They have attained spiritual enlightment and knowledge that undoubtedly leads them to having satisfied lives. Therefore, imitating another has not been harmful to them.</p>

<p>Imitating others often aids the process of finding oneself, because during the journey, one is exposed to other paths that they may not have envisioned. They have the freedom to choose where to go, so there is no risk of losing one’s individuality. Furthermore, the person may pick up additional skills, as I did, that can help enrich their life.</p>

5

<p>^^^ @ poster #6: Why would a grader have given him a 2 in the first one?</p>

<p>For the first one better transitions would boost your score.</p>

<p>You need to work a tiny bit on fluidity.</p>

<p>You already said you need to write more so I won’t go into that.</p>

<p>I’d give you a (just about) 7 for the first one. </p>

<p>Would give an 8/9 for the second one.</p>

<p>Could have easily been a 12, it lacked good transitions but more importantly you forgot to push the thesis as sub-conclusions in your three examples, your intro didn’t need to be so long and you could have used that time to improve your examples.</p>

<p>Your conclusion didn’t tie in your examples, your grammar could have been me exciting (but I can’t expand on that because I’m working on making my own more exciting). </p>

<p>Fortunately it was lucid and your examples supported your position.</p>

6

<p>@Diluvio
I didn’t score a two - the person meant I’d get two points in the second one than the first. But thanks so much on your feedback! Do you think the second one was too short, too?
Thanks for pointing out the thesis thing too - I’ll definitely keep in mind tying in my point more clearly…actually, there’s a lot of useful pointers you’ve given me there. I’ll keep <em>all</em> of them in mind: shorten intro, be smoother, use nicer words, make the link stronger.</p>

<p>Thanks so much! :)</p>