Please!!! score my essay

<p>Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power."
(Blue book - Test #3)</p>

<pre><code>"Motivation is the key to success." People driven by passion always succeed in the things they do. The success driven by the desire for money or fame is ephemeral. True success can only be achieved if the person is driven from the mind.

        An example of a person driven by conscience is Mother Teresa. Although born to a middle class family in Albania, Mother Teresa left Albania for India. Her mother wanted her to become a doctor but she wanted to help the poor and the needy. So, she went to Calcutta and established Missionaries of Charity. This organization helped in the betterment of lives of the people living in slums. She never cared about herself. Wearing the same white sari everyday, she visited the needy in the slums and provided them with medicine, food and clothes. She was not driven by the desire for fame or money but by an inner desire to help the poor and the needy. 

           My maternal uncle is another example of a conscience driven person. He always had dreamt of becoming a pilot but due to the pressure from my grandfather, he joined the family car business. After about two years in the business, he left the business and joined a pilot-training course. This came as a shock to everyone because the business was very successful. He spent most of the money earned through the carpet business on the training program. Now he works as a junior pilot for a small domestic airline. Although he is not earning as much as he used to from the business, he is very happy with his job.

So, we can say that the passion and love for a subject is a better motivating factor that the desire for fame or for money. Mother Teresa and my uncle wouldn't have been happy if they hadn't followed their hearts.
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<p>And could you suggest where to improve. Thank you</p>

<p>I'd give it a 10.</p>

<p>I think you should try to lose the personal pronoun at the end ("we") and put "one" in its place.</p>

<p>Umm...overall I think it's a good essay. Always try to make them as long as possible, as that will usually help your score. I'm guessing that it's actually a pretty good length essay (for the time given) but when you type it up on here, it makes it look shorter.</p>

<p>Thanks mate. It took nearly both the pages of the Collegeboard paper but looks a lot shorter here. It's around 350 words.Thank again for your comment.</p>

<p>I agree with brand, definetly try to subsitute "we" for "one". I would also recommend trying to enrich your essay with better vocabulary. I would give it between a 9-10. Also you conclusion could be somewhat stronger. Also, good examples but your essay would be a lot stronger if you added a paragraph where you qoute a book that proves your point. Good Luck :)</p>