<p>Posting the prompt would be nice too.</p>
<h2>I’ve included the essay you posted, as well as corrections in parentheses and stylistic quips below each paragraph.</h2>
<p>In my opinion the process of doing something(awkward verb phrase) certainly matters more than the outcome. Since no matter what the outcome is, we can always learn something that is very meaningful. (This is your thesis, it should be at the END of the intro paragraph) This assertion can be proved in literature, science and also my personal experience. (Vague, claiming to be able to prove something, but giving no hint as to what the examples are. If I knew from prior experience what the examples were, I would find it easier to understand your argumentation using them.)</p>
<p>You don’t need to say IMO. I know it’s your opinion because you’re the one writing it. Start strong. “In any action, “doing” matters more than the result.” Thesis should state argument and serve to introduce examples. (“No matter the outcome, a lesson can be learned, exemplified in X, Y, and Z.”)</p>
<p>The masterpiece of William Shakespeare (that’s highly subjective. More accurate: Shakespeare’s most popular work), Romeo and Juliet, greatly (don’t throw in words. Greatly, Strongly, other useless adverbs are meaningless) demonstrates this point. (what point? This paragraph should support an argument presented as the topic sentence that supports the thesis) The two lovers, Romeo and Juliet, loved each other very much. (lovers…loved. redundant and thanks, captain obvious) But unfortunately (still redundant. but and unfortunately mean the same thing), their families are fierce enemies (right now, you have demonstrated that you really only know the general overview of the story. You should know your examples better and be able to go deeply into them if you plan to use them.) and forbade them to be together. At last, they gave up their lives to be together in the heaven.(lesson learned? This example has proven nothing and doesn’t support the thesis, without further explanation) Though the outcome is tragic, the process of their relationship, of their great sacrifice proved that they were the happiest people for having someone to love them so much.</p>
<p>Um, they died at the end. You kinda can’t learn if you’re dead… But anyways. I kinda gave up trying to separate style and grammar, it kinda mushed together into the parentheses.</p>
<p>The assertion is not limited to the area of literature, it’s also true in science. (Again, no real argument here, not an introduction to the example…) The great scientist and inventor, Thomas Edison, invented the light bomb (light BOMB? I think you mean light bulb. And he didn’t actually invent it, he just made it much more feasible to mass produce.) after he tried and failed for thousands of times. He succeeded at last. (Where’s that quote…"Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% hard work…kinda like American society today ohohoh) But even if he didn’t, people will still remember him for his persistence and his love for science. I’m sure this process also meant a lot for Edison himself, since he was doing what he really loved and has gained a lot of knowledge that was new to him. (YOU are sure? Why don’t you mention the detailed notes he took for each experiment (documenting his learning process)) Also, it must be good for building his character and for his future development. (This sentence made no sense here and should be cut from this essay.)</p>
<p>I , as well (also, strike the commas), have learned from my everyday life that the process of doing things is more important than the outcome itself. At Grade six (in sixth grade), I joined an English speech contest. I prepared days and nights (night and day) to get (imprecise verb) a good result and to prove my ability in English and communication (you mean speaking skills and rhetoric). At last(Should be however, but; at last indicates a felling of success), I only got the third place for (because) there were other students who are better at delivering speeches (jumbled up passive tense. Other student gave better speeches.). But(strike) during the process, I became more outgoing and confident; I felt easier (my ability) to communicate with others (improved). Also, because I tried so hard, my English is(strike) greatly improved. From this example of my own(my personal example), we(I) can get the conclusion( can conclude) that the process is more important than the outcome itself.</p>
<p>The examples above all proved my point.(Weak sentence to start a conclusion) Actually, the assertion is not limited to the areas above, but in all realms of human endeavors. (Don’t contradict yourself. Saying actually means you realized you weren’t completely sure, and you want to feel confident about your arguments) No matter what the outcome is, the process will always teach us something (what is this something) and helps us become more mature and more educated. Therefore, the process of doing something matters more than the outcome. We should enjoy ourselves and try our best in the process and care less about the outcome that seems to be, but is not, the most important. (I think you mean we should work hard and focus on the process, not the outcome.)</p>
<p>Is English your native language? I’m sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but I do mean everything I say.</p>