please score my SAT essay out of 12

<p>IS CONSCIENCE A MORE POWERFUL MOTIVATOR THAN MONEY, FAME OR POWER?</p>

<p>conscience. conscience is an inner, unavoidable voice humans should listen to. but it's importance is getting paltry now. for most people, motivation is merely a result of the yearning for fame, power and money. thus, motivation is present immensely today, but because of the constant desire for perishable things like power, money and fame. conscience remains indestructible, how much ever people avoid it. </p>

<p>Julius Caeser, one of Shakespeare's heart-rending stories provides perfect exemplification through the personalities of two notable characters- Marcus Brutus and Marcus Antonius. Julius caeser is a tragedy and is the story of the assassination of Julius Caeser himself. Marcus Brutus, Caeser's confidant, had a major part in Caeser's assassination. he, under the influence of the other conspirators and due to his drive for acquiring power, killed Caeser, who loved him dearly. caesar was about the ascend the ladder of authority. he was about to become the dictator of the capitol of rome. but just one night before his undertaking, Caeser was stabbed to death. and brutus was the last to end him, ending his life forever. Brutus's main purpose was to kill caeser and conceal the murder under the sheets of goodwill. he presented Caeser's murder as a deed necessary to save the capitol from tyranny. thus, his motivation was to kill Caeser was a result of the lust for power and authority. he paid no attention to his conscience, thereafter, committing what was a sin. on the other hand, Marcus Antonius, another dear friend of Caeser, stood by his side and supported him, even after his death. it was he who proved that Ceaser's death was a sin, and not as Brutus showed it to be, a necessary evil. he stood by his friendship. he stood by his loyalty. but most importantly, he listened to his conscience. </p>

<p>another example of disagreeable motivation I would like to provide is the capture of India by the British from the East India Company in the eighteenth century. it was for 200 years that the British ruled India, exploiting all the resources they could lay their hands on. the sole reason behind the motivation of the British to capture India was the desire to acquire more benefits for their own country. thus, India's freedom struggle became a fight against the need to destroy an inclination towards the desire to gain control veiled by motivation.</p>

<p>conclusively, I think that motivation today is merely a result of the need to acquire power, fame or money, or maybe even all of the three. i do not deny that there are people present in this world who listen to their inner conscience and support it. I'm just claiming that there aren't 'many' people who actually believe in their conscience. the present day situation clearly shows that motivation is a result of transitory factors like fame, power and money and not conscience, which is an eminent factor.</p>

<p>In order to achieve a high score on the essay, it is necessary to very clearly answer the question. I would suggest specifically answering the question in the first paragraph in either the first or last sentence. In the intro you should also lay out several examples. The next 2 or 3 paragraphs should provide more detail on the examples, specifically how they tie in to your answer. The conclusion should restate your answer from the intro and tie the essay together.</p>

<p>A few other suggestions: make sure your essay will fill up the full two pages on the answer sheet, use capital letters to begin sentences, brush up on comma usage and leave out words such as “I would like to provide” and “I think”.</p>

<p>Sorry I didn’t provide a grade. I would suggest reposting after making some edits.</p>

<p>You’ve done a decent job summarizing Casaer. Unfortunately, I’ve taught and read that play at least a dozen times so you don’t tell me much that I don’t know.</p>

<p>The Britain/India paragraph doesn’t have a lot to do with the question posed.</p>

<p>Your word choice is weird (“eminent factor”) and your phrasing (“getting paltry”) is at times quite awkward.</p>

<p>Its an interesting effort because it seems to have a novel set of errors. </p>

<p>First off, you have to start every sentence in English with correct capitalization. Lord knows, I make plenty of typos, but your essay makes it clear you dont have the basics of English down. You are starting at a 4 at best. Good news is that this is easily fixed. </p>

<p>What was your position on this prompt? Conscience is unavoidable and should be listened to. Thats good. But most people are motivated only by yearning for fame, power and money. And immensely. Thats bad. But conscience remains indestructible- thats good. But people avoid it- ooo thats bad. </p>

<p>Well maybe example 1 will help- Brutus had a “lust for power and authority”. Thats bad. Marcus Antonius most importantly, listened to his conscience. That means score one for conscience! </p>

<p>The British East India company was motivated by exploiting all the resources. Thats bad. But Indian Independence was about freedom. Thats good! </p>

<p>Conclusion: Motivation today is power, fame or money. What! You never discussed anything about today. Your examples were historical. There people in this world who listen to their inner conscience. Thats good! But there aren’t ‘many’. Thats irrelevant. CB didnt ask for a headcount- they wanted justification for which was more motivating. Present day situation clearly shows fame, power and money are the winner. We have a winner! Except you never said anything about “present day situation” so the grader isnt convinced</p>

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<p>You need to take <em>one</em> position on the prompt and stay with that side. Dont go back and forth. Every word needs to be in support of you proving your thesis so you dont have space to waste discussing the other side. There are prompts when it is appropriate to do quick discussion to show that the <em>other</em> thesis applies in only such limited cases that effectively yours is universally true, but for now assume you are just discussing your side. </p>

<p>Right now, you are at a low 2 maybe a 2.5. Fix the capitalization, take a clear position in the opening and only discuss things in the examples in support of your thesis. Change the conclusion to demonstrate how your examples prove that your thesis is generally true. Then you are a 4.</p>