Hello I am an international student. Can you please score my essay out of 12 and advise me how to improve it? Thanks
I lied about some details but hope it is okay…
Without further ado:
Prompt:What gives us more pleasure and satisfaction: the pursuit of our desires or the attainment of them?
Desire is an integral part of our lives. It is the foremost motivating force that
drives us to undertake particular task. But what gives us pleasure to attain that desire?
The attainment of goal itself or the pursuit of it? Although it is true that
achieving our goal can be rewarding, it is the pursuit that gives us the most pleasure.
We can see this statement’s being true from various examples from history, everyday life
and literature.
One case where pursuit wins over attainment is in the life of Harry Potter. Born as
half blood, Harry Potter was the chosen one. Ever since he was young, he was regarded
as the person who holds the future of the wizard world in his hand, as the person
who will challenge the Dark Lord Voldemort. Although his innate goal was to destroy
Voldemort and save the magic world, it didn’t give him satisfaction. The pleasure
came from the years in Hogwarts, the order of the Phoenix and his beloved friends.
The pursuit of his goal gave him the most pleasure.
The next occurence where the path to desire triumphs over the achievement is can be
found from the fate of Christina Yang, a fictional character from the tv series
Grey’s Anatomy. Christina was an Asian American of Korean descent and set some major
goals. She eventually graduated high school with honor, enrolled at a prestigious college
and later studied at Stanford Medical school. Although she achieved awe-inspiring
successes, they weren’t the ones to give her satisfaction. The real joy came from her
arduous hard work, diligent practice and unwavering fortitude.
33
Life of Bill Gates can offer us the last example. Bill gates was born into an upper
middle class family and when he was 13 his parents transferred him to Lakeside school.
During his years there, he met his future business partner, Paul Allen. When Gates was
15, he scored 1590 out of 1600 on the SAT and in 1973 he enrolled at Harvard University.
But later, he dropped out of college and began working with his friend Paul. In 1975,
they formed a partnership called Micro-soft and over the years it exploded into
one of the biggest company in the world. Although Gates attained awe-inspiring
successes and gained high esteemed honor, it was the path to his success that gave
him happiness.
After closely analyzing examples from history, literature and everyday life, we can
clearly see that the road to success is better than the success itself. Although attaining
achievement can be delightful, it is ephemeral; however the road to it can be convoluted,
sinuous and long. There may be times the path is dark and gloomy but the sun always rises
to brighten the road.
I also wanted to use the phrase without further ado haha
Probably an 8. You should have mentioned that HP example better. i.e, From the novel Harry potter and… by JK Rowling, the fictional character…
Fistbump for using Greys Anatomy, I do that alot
:)) haha
2 Hello fellow CC members, Can you score this essay please? I lied about Harry Potter and couldn't remember names of some some people. So I denoted them as blabla...
Do we expect too much from our public figures?
Ever since the dawn of human race, there were people who were more influential and
powerful than others. These people rose to the top of their social hierarchy by,
to name a few, being charismatic wise and reverable. Because of their polished
appearance and outstanding social status, it is easy to assume that these so called
public figures are impecabble and infallable. But this assumption is very prejudiced
and extremely wrong. Since they are people just like everyone else and everyone makes
mistakes, they can be wrong too. Nevertheless, past and contemporary society molds
our minds to expect too much from public figures. We can see this statement’s being
true from various examples from history
When I was a little kid, I used to hear these wonderful stories about Genghis khan.
However, as years passed by I learnt that my so called hero, a role model turned out
to be not so perfect. He was as ruthless as he was tyrannic and the greatness and
the vastness of his empire floated on the blood of other lesser barbaric but more
sophisticated and refined country. But my disappointment wasn’t due to
Genghis khan’s actions; it was because of my overly optimistic expectations and
romanticizations of him.
Next case can be found in the highly esteemed J.K.Rowling’s novel Harry Potter.
In the second book, there is a marginal character named blabla, who interviews
magicians about their heroic deeds and uses a charm chanted as oblivious to erase
their memories. He then extrapolates their stories to himself and receives the
honor of the public. At first one of the main character of the book, Ron Weasly thinks
highly of him. He goes to blabla’s book premier and covets his autograph. In the
penultimate chapter of the novel, Ron learns the ugly truth about professor blabla and
his once reverent love and regard of blabla fades away.
The inventor of Facebook, Mark zuckerberg can offer us the last example. Mark was
a computer enthusiast since he was young and attended prestigious Harvard university.
During his years there, Zuckerberg became best friends with blabla. Blabla thought highly
of Zuckerberg and always regarded him as an friend. Based on the idea of two upper
classmen Zuckerberg developed a website called Facebook with financial help from
blabla. As his company began to flourish, Mark sought more powerful and wealthy
partnerships. He soon deceited blabla out of his company’s share and since that incident
blabla’s beautiful image of mark was crushed and he learnt a valuable life lesson.
After closely analyzing examples from history and literature we can clearly see that
people expect too much from inluential and public figures. Although they seem flawless,
they are human too and every human being makes mistakes. We shouldn’t expect too much
from them and accept them as they are
Also, can you please advise me how to improve my writing?
Score= 8
I corrected a few grammar and spelling errors. Nice job.
Desire is an integral part of our lives. It is the foremost motivating force that
drives us to undertake the particular task. But what gives us pleasure to attain that desire?
The attainment of the goal itself or the pursuit of it? Although it is true that
achieving our goal can be rewarding, it is the pursuit that gives us the most pleasure.
We can see this statement’s being true from various examples from history, everyday life
and literature.
One case where pursuit wins over attainment is in the life of Harry Potter. Born as
half-blood, Harry Potter was the chosen one. Ever since he was young, he was regarded
as the person who holds the future of the wizard world in his hand, as the person
who will challenge the Dark Lord Voldemort. Although his innate goal was to destroy
Voldemort and save the magic world, it didn’t give him satisfaction. The pleasure
came from the years in Hogwarts, the order of the Phoenix and his beloved friends.
The pursuit of his goal gave him the most pleasure.
The next occurrence where the path to desire triumphs over the achievement is can be
found from the fate of Christina Yang, a fictional character from the tv series
Grey’s Anatomy. Christina was an Asian American of Korean descent and set some major
goals. She eventually graduated high school with honor, enrolled at a prestigious college
and later studied at Stanford Medical school. Although she achieved awe-inspiring
successes, they weren’t the ones to give her satisfaction. The real joy came from her
arduous hard work, diligent practice and unwavering fortitude.
33
Life of Bill Gates can offer us the last example. Bill Gates was born into an upper
middle class family and when he was 13 his parents transferred him to Lakeside school.
During his years there, he met his future business partner, Paul Allen. When Gates was
15, he scored 1590 out of 1600 on the SAT and in 1973 he enrolled at Harvard University.
But later, he dropped out of college and began working with his friend Paul. In 1975,
they formed a partnership called Micro-soft and over the years it exploded into
one of the biggest company in the world. Although Gates attained awe-inspiring
successes and gained high esteemed honor, it was the path to his success that gave
him happiness.
After closely analyzing examples from history, literature and everyday life, we can
clearly see that the road to success is better than the success itself. Although attaining
achievement can be delightful, it is ephemeral; however the road to it can be convoluted,
sinuous and long. There may be times the path is dark and gloomy, but the sun always rises
to brighten the road.