<p>PROMPT:
Is the struggle to endured success more important than the accomplishment itself?
MY ANSWER
The question of Is the struggle to endured success more important than the accomplishment itself? suggests that the obstacles that one has to overcome while trying to succeed give you more then just the feeling of happiness and satisfaction. From my standpoint, I agree that the effort put to achieve success is more important and essential for people to get higher and even make more extraordinary things. Throughout literature articles and life of celebrities, evidences supporting my viewpoint are pervasive.
As demonstrated by the life a Chris Garner in The pursuit of happiness. In 1981, in San Francisco, Chris garner invested his whole family savings in designing the Osteo National bone-density scanner. The investment, however, turned out badly and thus financially broke the family. During that time, both Christ and his son suffered from many hardships. Indeed, they had to sleep in the subway stations bathroom or lived in a shelter for the homeless. Disadvantaged by the limited work hours (as he had to take care of his son), Chris still had to compete against the other nineteen candidates for the position. He figured out ways to make sales phone calls more efficiently and reached out more potential customers to make more profit. Eventually, his hard work paid off and he got the position. As you can see, the effort Chris devoted was much more meaningful than just his accomplishment. By the way, he respected his work more and had the crucial experiences for dealing with hardship so as to gain a better life in the future.
As demonstrated in the life of Joseph McCarthy (1908-1957), an American politician best known as a senator for the state of Wisconsin from 1947 to 1957; during his first three years in office, he went mostly unnoticed. McCarthy was voluntarily commissioned as an officer for America in World War II, possibly in order to further his own political career. Later he made multiple fake claims about his military career to get promotion and then, achieved success. However, his success didn't last long and his false claims soon had been made out of the blue by some journalists. His career, therefore, ended right a few days after that. As can be seen, its the way Mc. Carthy used to get a successful career that ruined his own life.
All in all, the struggle endured ti achive success is much more important than the success itself.</p>
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It’s never a good idea to restate the question, especially in this case when you’re literally restating the exact same question. I’d start instead with something like “Some may say that…” or “It can be argued that…”</p>
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Keep it consistent-- you say “one” then “you.”</p>
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Redundant.</p>
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This is a very awkward thesis sentence because you’re not giving any information. Your thesis should state your argument. It goes without saying that you are going to “support your viewpoint.”</p>
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Where’s the rest of this sentence?</p>
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Keep verb tenses consistent.</p>
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…What position?</p>
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Waaay too informal for an essay like this, and it doesn’t make much sense as a phrase here either.</p>
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This sentence doesn’t make much grammatical sense.</p>
<p>Also I don’t think your McCarthy example addresses the prompt very well.</p>
<p>One of your problems in your essay that the above poster did not get to is, unless it is absolutely necessary, do not use first person. When you use first person, your essay becomes inherently weaker, because it makes the essay seem more about personal opinion then analysis, if that makes sense. An appropriate time to use first-person pronouns would be for if you are using personal anecdotes, but for the rest of the essay you will be better off using third-person.</p>
<p>An example of what I mean by this using your question:</p>
<p>Without personal pronouns:
Because of these reasons, accomplishment is evidently more important than the struggle for success.</p>
<p>With personal pronouns:
Because of these reasons, I feel that accomplishment is more important than the struggle for success.</p>
<p>As you may see, it is a subtle change, but there definitely is one and the former of the theses is stronger than the latter. Another thing you should work on is becoming less repetitive. In your second and third paragraphs, you use "As demonstrated by… " to start them off. I also noticed that most of your sentences begin with transitional words. You will be better off if you can vary your use of transitions, either changing where they are in the sentence or by having a myriad of transitions in your vocabulary.</p>
<p>Thank you very much for your comments! I’ll try to have a better one.</p>