pls grade my essay out of 6

<p>The education people receive does not occur primarily in school. Young people are formed by their experiences with parents, teachers, peers, and even strangers on the street, and by the sports teams they play for, the shopping malls they frequent, the songs they hear, and the shows they watch. Schools, while certainly important, constitute only a relatively small part of education.</p>

<p>~ Adapted from: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, "Education for the Twenty-First Century"</p>

<p>Is education primarily the result of influences other than school? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>People believe that education occurs primarily in school but in fact this assertion is fallacious. Education mainly occurs as a result of influences other than school. The school mostly educates on the academic aspects of life and although they have extracurricular activities which can influence students, education really comes from life experiences. Several examples from literature and life corroborate this truth.</p>

<p>First of all, Emily Strider's novel, Country living shows that a person is shaped by influences other than school. In the novel, Emily tells us about her life as a typical country girl. Her parents were very strict and disciplined her frequently. She was raised to have good manners, to be studious in school and to be content with what she has. These traits that she grew to possess as a result of her family's influence helped her when she finally left the country life to pursue her dream of becoming a fashion designer. She was loved by everyone she met for her kindness, politeness and diligence which helped her climb her way up the fashion industry's ladder of success until she eventually got to the to top and was promoted to CEO of a huge fashion company in New York. Her story shows that a person is moulded primarily from what they learn outside the school.</p>

<p>Like the case of Emily Strider, another story which shows that education is primarily as a result of influences other than school is the story of the young boys in William Golding's Lord of the Flies. They were all stranded on an uninhabited island and had to survive on their own without any adults. They learnt how to set up a fire all by themselves using piggy's glasses to start the fire. Also, they taught themselves how to make shelters for themselves and as could be seen by jack's persistence on killing a pig, he learnt how to effectively hunt and kill animals for food and taught the other boys as well. This shows that the school is not the only medium for education.</p>

<p>As we can see from the two novels above, education is not restricted to to only the school, it can come from a variety of sources which are primarily what influences people.</p>

<p>Here’s some constructive criticism:
Be more direct with your thesis: Education does not primarily occur in school.
No need to tell them what education occurs in school (you mention ec’s)
Make sure it is long enough - should fill up the whole 2 page answer sheet
I would strike “that she grew to possess as a result of her family’s influence” and be on the lookout for wordiness
Second to last paragraph - weak intro sentence - try something like, “The young boys in WG’s LotF receive an important education outside school”.
Needs some work on capitalization and commas
I would make your conclusion 2-3 sentences at least. The existing sentence is a run-onand/or awkward</p>

<p>Don’t mean to be harsh, but trying to be direct and efficient
Good luck</p>

<p>The first sentence in each body paragraph just repeats your thesis.</p>

<p>Why waste the ink?</p>

<p>I find this essay to be tantalizingly close to good. Right now its a 3 but you could have been a 5 with very little work. </p>

<p>Right now you have a list of things that people learned outside of school. Who cares? This is why your conclusion is so limp:“education… can come from variety of sources”
Remember you were supposed to address “primarily”. The argument needs to be these outside things are of superior importance. </p>

<p>Piggy’s glasses started a fire- big deal, thats a little toy experiment. No! What they really did is make fire- shelter, warmth, cooking. They learned to trap and kill a pig- thats survival. What the boys learned was survival and that is of “primary” importance- more important than sentence diagramming. Emily Strider learns “kindness, politeness and diligence” and <em>those</em> are the key factors in her success- not what she learned in school. </p>

<p>I think all you missed here was calling out what the non-school learning was and why by its nature it can be more important than the strictly academic.</p>

<p>Thank you all for your criticisms. It means a lot. Hopefully ny next essay would be better</p>