If this format is good I’m going to stick with it as my template (mainly talking about intro/conc)
Prompt:Is it foolish to develop or improve an idea or product that already exists?
Developing and improving upon ideas that already exist is the opposite of “foolish”; conversely, the innovation of previously established thought is the impetus for change. Throughout history and in my own experience there have been various examples, such as the automobile and an essay I wrote, that incontrovertibly support one conclusion: without the ability to revise and augment previous ideas the world would be in a state of perpetual regression.
Foremost, is it important to acknowledge the adage saying that states “do not try to try to try to reinvent the wheel.” This admonition is a fallacy that has been made popular by continual use. However, in reality, reinventing the literal wheel has led to various advances in the human race that have raised the average standard of living. In this example, Henry Ford’s model T was at the vanguard of the industry in 1905, yet Ford continued to build on his idea to better his invention. Eventually, this initial idea of an automobile grew to enormous size. The result was a revolution in the transport industry that has changed the world for the better, so in this instance it is conspicuous that improving upon past ideas is not only smart, but a necessity for the bettering of humanity.
Another example that supports the undeniable need for innovation is that of my university essay. At first, my essay was lack lustre and full of hackneyed expressions; however, at that time it was all I could come up with. The important part is that instead of becoming content with my mediocre piece of writing, I revised it and imbued it with new, better ideas that I could not have thought of at the time. The end result was an essay worth submitting, which is certainly not what I had before. Ultimately, if I had not revisited my old ideas in my essay, the faulty ideas would have cost me. Moreover, this represents the true nature of accepting old ideas, which is that of complacency and mediocrity.
In conclusion, it is not only important to continually revisit ideas of the past, but it is vital to human progress to do so. Humanity throughout history has relied on change to better its quality of life, and without the ability to augment previous ideas man would be lost.
pls give as much advice as possible. I think I should’ve added another paragraph but idk.
Good essay, but I don’t think it’s a 12. I’d say it’s a 10.
- Your essay is right around 400 words, which is good. I'd try to add another 50-100 words. Studies have shown longer essays score better. Should you add a third paragraph? Your call. Some test takers (like myself) prefer 3 paragraphs, others like 2 longer paragraphs.
2.The vocabulary words, to me, get in the way of some of the sentences. Many times, you insert the fancy words when you’re trying to relate your example back to your thesis or introducing the topic.
- There's a lot of "fluff" in this essay. Look at your first body paragraph. It takes you four sentences (a.k.a. ~2 minutes) to introduce your example. Your introduction should clearly state what position you are taking and the background information. For your body paragraphs, jump right in and be more specific.
- "University essay" is both not persuasive and unspecific.
Lol hm. Well now im unsure. Can one other person try to make a majority on this? thank you @satwreckerZ2 and @golfcashoahu i agree with many of your points too ://
@golfcashoahu
Can you please explain which vocab words get in the way? I make this mistake in my ap lit class often
@satwreckerZ2 offers a very valid interpretation, that is you only need 2 body paragraphs. This is totally acceptable. It just means that each body paragraph will be more developed and longer. If you adopt 3 body paragraphs, you have more content, but the paragraphs will be shorter. You have to get right to the point if you do 3 body paragraphs. It’s your decision ultimately, and pick what works best for you. Personally, I thought 3 was better.
It’s not so much that any single word gets in the way; it’s more that, when compounded, the vocabulary starts to intrude the paper. “Impetus” “Admonition” “Imbued” “Conspicuous” “Hackneyed” ––maybe it’s just me, but I think those are probably the worst. I think the problem is slightly compounded by some of the sentence structures. Again, I’m being overly harsh. This essay would probably score a 10.
An example of a vocabulary word that I liked was “incontrovertibly.” I also appreciated “adage.” Adage is a great word to use actually. You don’t need to flood this essay with 10 vocabulary words. Pick 3-5 and write naturally.
@golfcashoahu I agree that in some points of the essay, an overexertion of the use of fanciful words impairs the comprehension of the essay. If he was to be more direct in certain areas, it would improve the essay greatly. I would still stick with giving the essay 6, on my part.
Seems to me that if we were both graders, you would give a 5 and I would give a 6.
That’s an 11. Good job on the essay, and of course, there is always room for improvement. Mainly, focus on how your vocabulary can sometimes muddle your propositions.