What’s up, I’m a college freshman at a large public university on the opposite side of the country from where I grew up. Here’s the story:
Before college started, we freshmen were given the opportunity to pick and choose our roomies. Because we were incoming freshmen, nobody knew anybody, so we just shared some info on our lifestyles and chose each other based on that info.
I almost roomed with this guy who’s from the same part of the country I’m from, plays the same sports, and in general shares all my interests; we practically have everything in common. However, we disagreed on residence halls, so we ended up with different roommates.
Now, in retrospect, I realize I made a terrible mistake. I see a potential best friend for life in the guy I passed up rooming with, but I can never see him because he’s busy 100% of the time with hockey practices or games.
So, I would like to room with him in an off-campus apartment next year (which everyone does here). My concern is though, he probably now knows his hockey buddies like brothers and will end up rooming with them, and not even get to know me before making that decision.
My question is this:
How do I find a way for us to get to know each other better despite his packed schedule, and
How do I go about suggesting that I’d like to room with him next year?
If you don’t actually know him, why are you so set on being best friends for life? Try not to come on so strong when you suggest grabbing food together or something.
@bodangles We used to talk a lot online, so from that I know we have the potential to be best friends. I did suggest grabbing food, but he said he couldn’t because of hockey practice. He’s always busy, so I’m not sure what to do. And what makes the stakes even higher is that he’s one of the only people at this school I have anything in common with, let alone everything.
Well you said he was too busy, and you were basing your desire to room with him based on what you know about him already. Since you have to make housing decisions so far in advance of actually living with the person, you have to decide how you want to approach the process.
He could be just as busy with hockey even if you lived closer. And no one can predict “a potential best friend for life” from some online conversations. It does sound a bit like you’re fixated. Apparently, the guy has a life. And you don’t mention even meeting him or ever hanging. Wanting to now room together seems so premature.
This is kind of like saying you let some future ‘best spouse ever’ get away. If another person is never free for a meal and doesn’t call you with an invite, it may be time to move on, not obsess. Get to know the roommates and dorm kids in front of you.
@lookingforward It just bothers me that I could’ve (potentially) had this amazing lifelong friendship had I not made a stupid rooming decision. And I don’t like to give up. I’m not emotionally fixated, I just would like to pursue all possible avenues to maximize any probability that things will work out between us as buddies (and hopefully roommates as well). Thank you for all your advice by the way!
You could ask him if he is making plans to move off campus and say that you haven’t finalized your plans yet. Then see how the conversation evolves from there. Agree that this fixation about the potential lifelong friend who is too always too busy sounds a bit off.
This thread could exist making the potential best friend for life a girl and rather than a prospective roommate a prospective girlfriend.
Are there other people who you know who could work as a roommate next year? If you spend all of your time focusing on one person and it doesn’t work out (late in the process) you may be scrambling to find a roommate.
I think the best friends for life roommate is risky. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, you may well be stuck with someone you do not like. And if you spent all of your time together, you now have that void and a roommate you do not like. To me, the better choice is often someone who you like and get along with but will not be a best friend for life.
I know the feeling as there were a couple of people I sort of knew and thought, Hey, we could be best friends - it’s a shame we never got to “hang out”. However, what is interesting is that despite what you are feeling now, things happen for a reason and when I eventually had the opportunity to get to know them - guess what? It wasn’t a match!!
You really do not know this guy through emails and a few meetings and it sounds like he has other things going on. As several people mentioned here, just move on. Focus on getting to know other people around you that are in your circles, not his.
It sounds like obsession, OP. You say, no, no, but then go on about it. Be wise. He hasn’t shown interest, isn’t available, isn’t even part of any group with you. That’s not because you just haven’t convinced him enough yet. I think asking him to now room together would be creepy. Imo.
Remember that your initial communications were about going to a new place and not knowing anyone, so both of you had to “play nice”. In the end, you both wanted something different in the living arrangements because you both had different needs.
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Throughout your current stay, you’re not happy with your current roommate because he is not the guy whom you imagined you’d live with, and you are dreaming up a fantasy about having lost your life-long friend:
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Nope, that was an original decision based on both of your needs for living arrangements. He wanted what he wanted, and you wanted what you wanted.
Now you are imagining:
He’s telling you he’s busy because he’s found his place and his friends.
Where are you getting this amazing lifelong friendship idea? You are fixated, clingy, and have already projected feelings about his friends. You want to live with the guy and seem to want a forced relationship. Find another friend.
Most people, whom I know, that have had life-long friendships established those friendships with neighbors or elementary school buddies; yes, even at our age. My best friend in college was in grad school with me and needed a place to live. I needed a place to live. We had nothing in common, NOTHING, other than needing a place to live. but that’s why we got along: we respected each other’s space.
OP, Let this guy go. At the very least, he’s too busy to become your best friend for life. Find something you love to do and you’ll make some more natural friendships. “Life” friends end up there, not start out there.
On the larger issue: I see so many new freshman in this particular forum fixated on this idea of “amazing lifelong friends.” Probably encouraged in part by the media - all of these stories of 30something or 40something people with lifelong friends they met in college.
You may make some lifelong friends from college, but don’t go into the relationship thinking “This could be my lifelong friend forever! I gotta chase it down!” Just be in the moment and be friends with someone because you enjoy their company. Things change, and you don’t know who or what you’ll be in 5 years. You don’t have to plan your entire life out right now. Just enjoy the company of people you like and don’t expend extraordinary energy trying to friend up someone who doesn’t want to hang with you.
In another thread you say you have fantasies (my word, not yours) of transferring to Harvard. So this is all much ado about nothing. Or its someone yanking our chain in both threads.
