<p>can you tell me what you think? its my first draft for next year but i figure i might as well start now.
I dragged him up to his feet, dead weight, his reluctance was obvious, yet I would not allow him to quit. I reassured him that this time he would get it, that he was so much closer then the last time if he kept this slope of progress he would be a better biker than Lance Armstrong, the cool guy whose wristband left a matching tan line on his young, sensitive skin and my own. With my help my younger brother, got back on his bike and attempted to ride with me by his side, his coach who wouldnt let him give up. I cant remember how many times he fell, but if you ask him, he cant either, he only remembers the feeling of success and triumph when he finally figured out how to ride a bike, something so simple and insignificant to others yet he felt the same way as a mathematician would if they finally solved Fermats Last Theorem. He only had one thought in his head, very rare for a kindergartener; that he was riding a bike, on his own, without training wheels! His emotions radiated out to me, the pride I felt indescribable, and I simply melted when he muttered a simple thanks, I couldnt have done it without you brother, followed by a hug. Hey thats what Im here for was my simple reply.
It was at that moment I realized what I wanted to do when I grew up, which is the question Ive been asked the most in my short seventeen years of my life, which I always, even to this day answer; I dont know, due to fear of it not fitting up to others standards. However I feel at your school, I will be able to fulfill my found destiny to the fullest extent without any restrictions, limitations or fear of being thought poorly of.
My driving force I found that day was to help others in any way possible I could with my experiences and advantages, to help them achieve their dreams. I understood I was not brought into this world to please myself but to be a modern day Prometheus (man who the word philanthropy was created for from his actions of giving humans two empowering, life-enhancing gifts allowing them to achieve their potential, which otherwise would have not be attainable). If granted acceptance to your university, I feel my never ending journey to help those less fortunate, or simply unknowledgeable will be considerably more meaningful due to an increased ability of my own knowledge and experiences. Currently the amount of topics Im able to help people with is limited, to the small amount of things learned in my seventeen years of life. I feel my selfish less goal is not a common one, thus making me a great and diverse addition to your establishment. With your help I look forward to peoples gratitudes, which is all I seek in my life. The emotions felt are much more meaningful then any amount of money one could ask for, which may seem strange or odd to most, yet my feelings are undeterrable now, due to the constant reassurance I gain every time I help someone who simply needed someone to show them the way. I look forward to your joining to my quest, and hopefully together we will be able to touch so many lives, who in turn will pay it forward and help society become an exceptional place or those who come after us.</p>
<p>Commas… learn to use them.</p>
<p>Periods are helpful</p>
<p>I dragged him up to his feet. Dead weight. His reluctance was obvious, yet I would not allow him to quit.</p>
<p>assuming the second essay is 400-500 words</p>
<p>-story should make up <15% of your second essay and should pertinent to you
-cut the crap. you’re like a five-year-old rambling “dear admissions officer, when I’m admitted I will do X, Y, and ALSO Z!!” every single applicant will do the same things you say you will so theres no need to mention this. think about how many applications each officer reads? they have to read (or skim) over 2000 essays EACH. you want to stand out and not be like the crowd.
-do not reference the reader
-generally, do not use parenthesis. if you choose a fairly informal and jocular tone, then you may.</p>
<p>ending my critique, you seem like a smart person who doesnt know what to write about. Write about yourself. You are a unique person. Pick something, or somethings unique to yourself and discuss them deeply. just dont be like everyone else.</p>
<p>EDIT: also its really cliche. do not use cliche. do not use cliche.</p>