The only thing we did was have access to the payment portal so we could pay the bill every semester. We didn’t have access to grades but our kids regularly shared this information without asking. Maybe if they hadn’t we would have done it differently. As the rest - it’s time to cut the apron strings. College kids are adults.
One item doesn’t make sense to me - get a passport. What does a passport have to do with starting college? If you are planning to study abroad you will need one for that but not everyone does this. I guess it is probably easier to do this at home before going away to school. Is that why it’s on your list?
And more personal to what we did. My saying goodbye Mantra was “be smart, be safe. I love you.” And if I was teasing “have fun, but not too much fun. Don’t get arrested. We don’t have money for a lawyer.”
And I did say I expected them to do their best, but I didn’t expect all As. College is different.
We raised good kids so no rules but some suggestions like “bet on yourself”. Go outside your comfort zone “,” get involved in things that excite you".
We set up credit cards last year in high school and first year in college depending on the kid tied to our account. They sat down with a banker at our branch to learn how to establish credit. Yes, those Starbucks are helping when they pay it off monthly. Both kids worked in college and so funny how they don’t spend when it’s their money. We would never have them let us know when they used their cards. That is too much control and alludes the point of them being and becoming an adult with responsibilities. We never talked to them about what they bought but having it linked to our account we could sorta guide them. It was never abused and again they were paying for their purchases.
We had access to their school account since we asked for it. It was more for paying for stuff. We also never abused it. We never discussed grades that we looked at once in awhile. But it could help some guide their kids. That wasn’t out case. We trust out kids and evidently they trust us. We pay the bills, we get access also,lol. It was just never an issue with our family. It just made our job easier.
We didn’t have a call home schedule. Don’t do that. They become really busy. We don’t have kids that call us daily. There were times they would go “off grid” … I would call it. But if we really needed to talk or know they were OK they responded. But… You will get “that” call about 1-3 weeks into college …Be ready with links or suggestions on how they can help themselves (this is key). They didn’t get a certain class, or this or that. They are panic calls adjusting to being on their own. They are serious and your saying to yourself (Really?)… Lol… Listen. Just listen… Don’t solve their world. Listen. If it’s not resolved then tell them they have counselors, RAs, etc to help them solve whatever earth shattering problem they have. Next time you talk with them they will tell you what they did (yes, it will be what you told them to do) but like it was their idea… Lol.
Gaming… Hmmm… My son took his monitor and console with… Hmmm… It was used also to watch movies with friends and to have a larger screen for homework etc. Sure gaming. It was a stress reliever during getting an engineering degree. He became so involved on campus and working it went unused at some point. But he explained it was something that he really needed to chill. He was like this in high school and plays internet sports league games. His baseball team won the world series like 6 times in a row and this was a social thing also. Kids from around the USA and country. He since graduating have visited 3 people, all professionals now around his age group. Also met his GF that he has been living with (graduated college 2 years ago).
I think the rest of the OP talk is just normal parenting if you feel your kid needs it. For my boy yes had some talks but normal father /son talks I guess you would call it. My daughter is gay and didn’t know what to do with that… Lol but with both we talked about safety.
Drugs… Yes I talked about this. Even just smoking pot you gotta be careful these days since things can be laced with anything. Both our kids had wine /beer with us at dinner prior to college. This is actually highly recommended by both our kids colleges. If we served ourself wine we just asked if they wanted some. Just not a big deal kinda thing. Learning to being responsible. Both colleges said the kids that are in the ERs after parties on campus are mostly the ones that this is their first venture into independent adult life and over do it. Do with that as you will. Both kids are 24/26 and it’s fun going out to “their” taverns and having a drink with them now…
Also give them space. You know your kids best but it takes them time to adjust. This is “their” experience at college not your “second” experience through them. They don’t want to hear about what you did. It is sooo much different now. It might not be “the best time of your life”. It’s not for many kids. Give them space and that might mean you don’t hear from them for a bit. If I texted (you alive) I always got a thumbs up. They are busy. You “want” your kids busy. Give them space and listen.
Only “rules” were he has to take one accounting and one econ class and has to work full time or take a full course load during the summer. Those were the only stipulations, guidelines, rules etc.
For those mulling this over, I would also point out that, if there is no pressing need for a passport, better to wait until your child is 18 to get one. Under 18 passports require both parents appear in person with the child (which can be a hassle depending on circumstances) AND only last 5 years. After 18, the applicant can do the application entirely by mail and without parental assistance and the passport lasts 10 years - much better IF you are able to wait until your kid turns 18.
The other thing to keep in mind is the issue of real IDs and ID requirements for domestic travel. If your child is over 18 they will need ID to fly domestically. That can be taken care of with a drivers license or state id (and real id kicks in in 2025, I think?). At any rate, a passport can be very useful even for domestic travel, if your student doesn’t have a drivers license.
And while I’m at it, let me plug TSA precheck. It’s only $78 for 5 years - totally worth it, imo. And if you do travel internationally regularly, global entry is only $100 for 5 years and includes TSA precheck. Keep in mind that, if under 18, the parent must go to the interview with the minor child. Over 18, they can apply themselves.
We probably did too good of a job of raising ours very independent, early on. By high school, she was focused on studies in her room until wee hours, when/if home.
Other than an occasional “business” related calls, we do have lovely, hour-long chats - a few times a semester.
Ah thanks for the correction! The last time we did a passport renewal was when my daughter was 14 so I had assumed the same procedure applied to all minors.
Note that even with passport applicants under 16, you only need one parent to go to the appointment, as long as the other parent provides a notarized statement giving permission (very easy to do, as long as you are in touch with the other parent and they approve). We had to do this for my daughter’s passport renewal (long story…)
But it’s definitely easier after the applicant is 16 because you don’t need the 2nd parent at all.
If they continue to be on your health insurance, then make them set up their member portal. Show them how to log in and search for doctors/clinics/specialists in the plan.
Explain to them Co-Pay and Deductible, and whatever pharmacy plan.
Have them take a double-sided color copy of their social security card, in case someone wants to see it for campus jobs, etc.
Give them a joint credit card. You can use their online app to see where/when they swipe for food, venues, Uber/Lyft. Allows for stealthy helicoptering.
actually - we had that as a rule too for our oldest two (accounting class). and really stressing the class for our two younger ones.
*** i had no clue about accounting but found myself appointed to the “easy” job of treasurer of a professional work association 30 yrs ago. I kept waiting for the past treasurer to hand over the books; but finally, when he did, it was through the Police Department! he turned himself in for taking $50K of our small group’s money for gambling. That’s when i wished wished wished i knew more about it all. what a mess! you never know how an accounting class will help.
digitaldad - great advice about insurance. I’ll also add - make sure they know how to refill their own prescriptions on their own.
** have a google doc file saved for our spaciest kid with parents phone numbers, insurance card, license pictures and other logins on it just in case this kid were to . . . .lose a wallet or get thrown into a pool with his phone. Yep. both have happened 15 hours away from home, days before airplane rides.
Pretty sure they have to go in person for the first passport as an adult. The first adult passport is considered a new passport, not a renewal and all new applications have to be done in person. Mine had had a couple of passports by 18 (since they only last 5 years as minors) but her first adult passport was not considered a renewal, it was considered a new passport (even though they used the old passport as the ID - it was confusing) and she had to go in person. Not a big deal, we used the local post office and there were plenty of appointments (unlike some places) but she did have to go in person. I’m pretty sure only renewals can be done by mail.
Also - on the HIPAA question - you have to sign a form for each provider, there is no global HIPAA release. I have done this for my parents over the years and there is always one provider or insurance policy or whatever where we’ve forgotten to sign the form and then it’s a hassle because they won’t talk to me (fortunately both parents lucid, and they will usually take an ok over the phone for at least that phone call, but it means I have to make the phone call while I’m in the room with them). I have a medical POA for my kid, but don’t have access to most of her regular medical records at this point (the one exception - they’ll always let me make the appointment. Oh, and pay the co-pay )
They do not need to be age 18 to be issued a renewable passport. If they get a passport at age 16 or older, it is the “first adult passport.” It is valid for 10 years and they can do future renewals by mail. See Applying for a Passport as a 16-17 Year Old and Renew my Passport by Mail for details.
I personally agree with @2Smom that it’s a good idea to get a passport before they go to college. That way, they are prepared for trips and study abroad. Passport processing can take a while and it’s something that is easy for a student to overlook until the last minute.
I didn’t say they had to be 18 to get an adult passport (mine happened to be 18 when she needed a new one). I said the first adult passport they had to go in person because it was not considered a renewal and that only renewals can be done by mail. Sorry if my post was confusing.
I’m not sure what you mean? They don’t need to renew a 2 year old passport if they get it at 16. Any passport issued after 16 is an adult passport. It lasts 10 years and they can renew by mail (at age 26, etc.)
5,6 - if these haven’t been address through HS, it’s a little late to set an expectation as they go into college.
7 - I put under the heading of grades. I don’t care if kid is gaming (or other activity) 30 hours a week if they’re keeping their grades up.
2,3 - they’re adults at this point and they need to manage this stuff themselves - with some guidance that they likely won’t heed - and they’ll make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.
1 - Yes, we’ll probably establish a day/time for a weekly connection which would hope might transition into a post college time as well as a way to stay connected with them into the future.
… I would call it. But if we really needed to talk or know they were OK they responded. But… You will get “that” call about 1-3 weeks into college …Be ready with links or suggestions on how they can help themselves (this is key). They didn’t get a certain class, or this or that. They are panic calls adjusting to being on their own. They are serious and your saying to yourself (Really?)… Lol… Listen. Just listen… Don’t solve their world. Listen. If it’s not resolved then tell them they have counselors, RAs, etc to help them solve whatever earth shattering problem they have. Next time you talk with them they will tell you what they did (yes, it will be what you told them to do) but like it was their idea… Lol.
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