<p>S1 was accepted at the sole 4-yr school to which he applied, but much prefers to attend the local (and well respected) CC. Since he will therefore be living at home, I am wondering what house rules we should have for him. On the one hand, he will be 18 and in college. On the other hand, he will still be under our roof, so to speak. I realize we have to do what will work for our family, but I was wondering if anyone has any wisdom. Thanks.</p>
<p>My oldest also chose CC. Since I had 4 younger kids at home, we gave him a 10 PM curfew on school nights. OTOH, I commuted to school and had no curfew but I did pay rent.</p>
<p>If I had no younger kids at home, I would probably be more relaxed about a curfew.</p>
<p>Our D went to CC for 3 semesters. We didn’t have any “house rules,” as she as the only “kid” left at home. She turned 18 in November of her 1st semester. We never had any problems with her and mostly I was her chauffer, which suited us both OK. Her 1st year at CC, she spent most of her free time with her buddies who were all HS seniors. The 3rd semester, she was focused on getting everything ready for her transfer to the private U 2500 miles away, where she started in January.</p>
<p>When we all lived at home & went to flagship U, can’t remember any curfews or “house rules.” The only rule was that if any of us needed a ride home for any reason, we were to call, no Qs asked, at any time of day or night and we were NEVER to ride with anyone who was not in proper condition to drive. I guess that was the only rule we have carried over to our kids as well.</p>
<p>Our D is 19 and a college freshman. When she is at college, she can stay out as late as she wants. However, when she is at home, her actions affect the rest of the family, so our rule is that she should be home and all guests should be gone by midnight. </p>
<p>In my opinion, becoming a legal adult doesn’t give students the immediate status of being able to demand the right to interfere with the sleep or other activities of the rest of the family. I recognize that you’re planning ahead, and nothing in your post indicates that your son is being demanding. However, other students have posted criticisms of their parents’ rules, with the main argument being, “But I’m in college now…” That is not a convincing argument in my book!</p>
<p>When we had our first blow-up about curfew, all three of us sat down several days later and talked it out. D wanted no curfew at all (“When I’m away at school, I could stay out all night and you’d never know” – true enough). We wanted a 1:00 curfew (“You’re at home now, and so we DO know, and it’s hard for us to get to sleep before we hear you come in.” – also true.) </p>
<p>Eventually, the three of us were able to agree to a few principles that have made these issues easier to decide:<br>
- she’s an adult now, has proven at school that she can handle freedom, and has never done anything (major) to disabuse our trust.
- we are a family and what each of us does affects the others, she is not a free-agent and has responsibilities to the family, and parental concern is not something to just blow off.
- no one gets everything they want, and we must all be willing to give a little.
- respect, common courtesy, and communication go a long way. And she’s known for years that in our house, being trustworthy and responsible is the ticket to more freedom.</p>
<p>Our curfew compromise goes like this: When she goes out, she lets us know what her plans are. If the plans change, she texts us. There’s no curfew per se, but she knows that 3:00-ish is about all we can stand, and she has mostly respected that. On the few occasions when she’s come in at 3:30, DH and I haven’t made a big deal of it.</p>
<p>Yes, our kids know we fret if they’re out driving later at night/morning and that generally dad is working from very early in the morning most days, so they try to be considerate and quiet when they come in so as not to wake him. My schedule is more flexible, so I can be around when they come in, as desired. Fortunately, H is a pretty sound sleeper, so it has worked out pretty well for all of us to date. It is tough when the kids want to start chatting late at night, when H needs to work the next day & he would love to chat but does need to sleep; so far it has worked well. (Our kids generally don’t have much stamina for being out late at night anyway & have never done anything to cause us to fret about them.)</p>
<p>Youngest son is at home, in college. We don’t have curfews, etc. and my only requests are that he text me if he’s not coming home as he often stays with his cousin or best friend and that he be quiet when he comes in after 11 pm. He’s not great about remembering to text when he’s staying out and I can usually hear his truck in the driveway.</p>
<p>My son was home – we didn’t have a curfew, at first, but we did end up asking that if he were planning to be out after 1am to let us know before he left the house. He wasn’t required to attend church with us, either (something he had always done as a high school student) but was welcome to come along when he wanted to.</p>
<p>We didn’t wake him up for class but he shared a car with us so he had to be up when we left for work or he’d miss his ride. We did not wake him and occasionally he had to walk to class (a pretty substantial hike) Similarly, we developed a standard pickup time/place and if he had to change that, he needed to let someone know or he’d be stranded. His cell phone was to be used as a contact number for forms, etc…, not the house landline. </p>
<p>If he wasn’t at the house when I was making a meal, I did not cook for him so sometimes he’d show up as we sat down and cooked for himself. My kids do their own laundry starting in 5th grade. He paid us 20% of his paycheck for rent, and when he wasn’t working we added that amount to his “family tab” which is money he owes us, but not until he’s gainfully employed and on his own for real. His permanent chore was to clean the bathroom he shares with his brother once a week, and when he didn’t, he couldn’t have a car until he did. That rarely happened. His room was his own – I haven’t been in there in YEARS, except spring cleaning (which our family does as an Event. We’re weird…)</p>
<p>It can work, but it is stressful.</p>
<p>Agree, being a college student does not absolve one from the responsibilities of family. Every member of the family needs to contribute. At a sleep-away school, you pay to have someone cook your meals and do the dishes, clean the bathroom, and vacuum the hallways. Decide what your S’s responsibilities will be while he lives at home. Do you want him to cook dinner on Monday nights because you work late on Mondays? Do you want him to unload the dishwasher every morning? Do you want him to get a part time job and pay X amount of money every week/month? Doesn’t much matter what you decide, just communicate it to him. </p>
<p>My D is local, but lives in the dorm. We don’t really ask a lot, but when she’s home for breaks, she’s expected to tell us when she’ll be home. Guests are noisy. They need to leave by midnight. She’s responsible for a bathroom. She does her own laundry. She can make her own lunches and clean up after herself. Summer time, she needs to have a job so she can pay for books and personal expenses for the next year. (She’s a lifeguard, and we live in the neighborhood of God’s Frozen Chosen - no winter break work is available, or we’d expect that, too.)</p>
<p>“becoming a legal adult doesn’t give students the immediate status of being able to demand the right to interfere with the sleep or other activities of the rest of the family.”</p>
<p>I agree 100%, but I don’t see what being out late has to do with this. When I was living at home from age 18-20, I had no curfew. I just came in quietly, without waking my parents up. If the parent can’t sleep when the child isn’t home, that’s something the parent needs to work on. I would never presume to tell an adult houseguest with a key what time they had to be home. I would just say “We’ll be asleep by ten, so please keep it down.”</p>
<p>Of course, the people who pay the mortgage make the rules and the kids have to respect that, but this particular rule seems silly to me, whether the adults it applies to are relatives or not.</p>
<p>we never had rules. D. was pretty much free to do whatever, but she was very good student without any rulels imposed by us. S. was pretty much free spirit, so rules would not mean anything in his case, but additional frictions. Both successfully pursued their carriers. S. moved to another city after graduation, married his college GF and is an awesome parent himself and D. is in Med. School in different city. Very different, but fine in their own lives.</p>
<p>Adults living together should watch out for each other. Therefore if you were going to stay out all night let the other adults know. That way if you do not show up one morning someone will be out looking for you. It is a safety net. </p>
<p>Otherwise no rules per say. Just be respectful of one another.</p>
<p>I wish I could have lived with my parents while going to college. They kicked me out when I was 16 to teach me responsibility… (I’m 19)</p>
<p>Rules I would set for my children:
- Make great grades and I’ll help pay for your tuition. (My parents refused to let me back in when I asked if I could just STORE my stuff while I go out of state)</p>
<p>2) If you aren’t a full-time student, you will pay rent as I see fit. Probably $100 (I’ve paid $1200 a month for my apartment since I was 16)</p>
<p>3) I won’t impose a curfew unless they are obnoxious and wake me up at 2am. (I usually work at 6am or have classes at 8am. I have 14 hour days)</p>
<p>4) Clean up after yourself!</p>
<p>After that, its pretty much smooth sailing in my opinion.</p>
<p>“Make great grades and I’ll help pay for your tuition.”</p>
<p>-Making great grades will lead in NO tuition (if correct UG is chosen). it will be covered by Merit awards.</p>
<p>Not every student’s tuition is covered by merit awards. By the time I have children, I’ll be making too much for them to receive financial aid and I would encourage them to go out of state for a degree for experience of something different. I’d be willing to pay for my child’s tuition if they want it of course.</p>
<p>You can’t assume every student gets tuition covered.</p>
<p>I myself, future transfer student of OSU, most likely won’t have tuition covered as an out of state student even when I claim myself as an unaccompanied youth on FAFSA. Depending on what OSU would even give me, considering it says transfer students aren’t eligible for scholarships, my tuition is going to be high and not enough for merit awards to cover.</p>
<p>"Not every student’s tuition is covered by merit awards. "</p>
<p>-Exactly what I said.
- student has to have great stats
- Student has to choose the UG that offers great Merit awards. yes, OOS is not the one to choose if you are looking for tution coverage. OSU does not give much even to IS. there are other schools that give much more to top caliber students.
- Student has to continue to have great stats at college</p>
<p>Our S went off to college, but did have expectations while home over breaks and summers. We reminded him that we still have to get up early for work and his younger sister still has school. He needs to be respectful of others in the house.</p>
<p>He would let us know when to expect him home and generalization of where he’d be. Even though he stayed up much later than the rest of us, he would go to his room when we all went to bed. He’d watch tv, video games, computer without bothering anyone.</p>
<p>A friend of mine still has 2 boys at home and she told her oldest when he came home that he was setting an example for his brothers who look up to him and think he is so cool off to college. She expected him to set a positive example. I don’t know that they had ‘rules’, just an understanding.</p>
<p>I am so hoping my senior decides to go away. I don’t want to be dealing with this next fall!</p>
<p>^^ You’ll have to deal with it every time he comes home on break, and over the summers.</p>
<p>How do you deal with the drinking issue when your student is home on breaks? We know our 19yo D is drinking at college, like many college students. We also know that the drinking age in our state (and the state of her college) is 21. We worry that she and her high school friends will expect to be drinking together when they are home on college breaks. Are you ok with your college student drinking when he/she is home for college breaks, even if it’s not legal in your state? Also, how do you make sure that no one is drinking and driving? My D lives quite a distance away from many of her high school friends and, although she insists she won’t drink and drive, I’m not sure I trust her to completely abstain. I’d like to know how others have handled this.</p>