Princeton Review gave me a 3/12 on SAT essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>I did an SAT essay for Princeton Review, and I used the "How to get a 12 essay in 10 days" format. Then, they gave me a 3/12. I was somewhat discouraged, because I love to write. I thought that the SAT essay would be easy. I would greatly appreciate it if you could grade my essay, so I could get more input. Here it is:</p>

<p>PROMPT:
Whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends [the natural rights of men], it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their safety and happiness
-The Declaration of Independence
Does questioning authority make society stronger? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples,, etc </p>

<p>When authority goes through a paradigm shift from good to malevolent, questioning authority is crucial in making a society stronger. Three examples from current events and history back this claim. </p>

<p>As demonstrated by the Egyptian protests against Hosni Mubarak, their society progressed. In the beginning, Mubarak ruled with an iron fist. He malignantly instilled his authoritarianism and cronyism (putting friends and family into power) by giving the rich more money, an doing nothing about the looming social disparity. When the proletariats could not take the fact that they were working for the one percent, they protested for eighteen days in Tahrir Square. Many sacrificed their lives. However, to their benefit, Mubarak relinuished his power to the Security Council of Armed Forces (SCAF). In the end, Egypt had a democracy. Hence, questioning authority would benefit society. </p>

<p>The American Revolution displays a modest description of a society questioning authority. America was embittered by "Taxation without representation". That is, realizing that Britain taxed America for no reason, the Americans dumped tea into the ocean, in what was known as the Boston Tea Party. Britain was enraged. The authoritarian British king then implemented a plethora of taxes. The Americans were not reluctant in starting a war. Int he end, America defeated Britain, forcing Britain to sign a treaty that declared the independence of America. Thus, it is imperative that a society questions its authority. </p>

<p>The Occupy Wall Street protests signify a clear example of questioning authority. It all started when people realized that the US's tax policies benefit the one percent the most. According to the Tax Policy Center on August twenty second, from 1986 to 2012, the one percent has seen a stark 23% decrease in taxes. Now compare that with the 5% increase in taxes to the 99%. Soon, protesters got on Wall Street, and gave impetus to government to change policies by protesting. Hence, authority should always be questioned. </p>

<p>After a careful analysis of Mubarak, the American Revolution, and Occupy Wall Street, indeed, questioning authority is the way to go. Had those authoritarians not dictate society, they would've been preserved.</p>

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<p>You didn’t use any transition words, which made your three examples seem very distinct and not cohere very well. And your second/third examples don’t really indicate that questioning authority actually strengthens society. A 3 seems like a harsh score though (implying someone gave you a 1)…I would say somewhere in the 5-6 range.</p>

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<p>I can’t believe you got a 3 because I think that your essay is good. Something must be wrong with Princeton. I got an 8 on my 1st actual SAT essay, but your essay is way more detailed than mine. But I do want to give you some advice: try varying your support paragraphs’ conclusion sentence and transitioned between your paragraphs a little better. Other than that, I like your essay, and I give it a 4/6.</p>

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<p>Thanks for giving your guys’ take on how my writing on the SAT essay is. By transitioning my paragraphs, do you mean saying things like, “First, Second, In addition”?</p>

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<p>I agree with the other 2 people. But yea, don’t go to the Princeton Review or any other company than the Collegeboard for SAT prep. The Collegeboard makes the test. The Collegeboard has its own stuff for sale. I only use Princeton for Subject Test prep because there are far fewer Collegeboard resources for Subject Test prep than there are for the regular SAT.</p>

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<p>I would have given you a higher grade than a 3/12, but I can see why somebody might have given you a low score. </p>

<p>I don’t have time to talk about the entire essay, so I’ll look at the second paragraph. The first sentence is unclear. I think you mean “Egyptian society progressed as a result of Egyptian protests against Hosni Mubarak.” The protests themselves didn’t demonstrate societal progress. The phrase “ruled with an iron fist” is trite. I don’t think you used “instilled” correctly; that word usually refers to establishing ideas, not implementing a dictatorship. There is no need to define cronyism. The social disparity wasn’t just looming; it already existed. However, the rest of your paragraph talks about economic disparity, not social disparity. The comma in the third sentence is unnecessary. I know what you mean by “the one percent,” but you never define it. That term has come into common use only recently. You could have made this clearer by writing “the richest one percent.” The phrase “to their benefit” seems to relate to those who sacrificed their lives. Mubarak’s relinquishment of power didn’t benefit them; they’re dead. You have a verb tense change in your final sentence; “benefitted” would have been consistent with the rest of the paragraph.</p>

<p>I’m writing in hopes that this will be helpful. I’m glad you love to write, and that you’re seeking to improve your writing. You have a lot of potential!</p>

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<p>@Schokolade, Wow, that was really helpful. Thanks. Yeah, now that I realize it, I made a lot of stupid mistakes in writing this. I guess it comes from my anxiety in finishing it within 25 minutes (I hate that the SAT has a short time frame for the essay, but who doesn’t?). I think I should have framed the thesis or introduction to also say that economic disparities influence social disparities, so that I could have incorporated the last two examples.</p>

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<p>I’m sure PR was rating your essay a 3 of 6, not 3 of 12. An essay has to be REALLY bad to get a 2 -3 of 12. You have a way to go, but not that far. </p>

<p>I’ve read too many essays that do what this one does. In brief, your essay is structured sort of like this:</p>

<p>I have one idea. I have three examples of my one idea.
Here is an example of my one idea.
Here is another example of my one idea.
Here is a third example of my one idea.
In summary, these are my first, second and third examples of my one idea.</p>

<p>My point is that you need more than one idea.</p>

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<p>I know they rated it a 3/12, because on one of my other essays, they gave me a 7. So what you’re saying is that I should branch my thesis into 2-3 ideas, then supply those ideas each with one example?</p>

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<p>This is something I wrote to someone else about how to use examples. I think it could help you also.</p>

<p>Each paragraph presents a different supporting idea for your thesis, and within each paragraph you provide additional ideas to deepen the support for the topic sentence of the paragraph. In short, your essay has a “multi-layered” analysis and what I call high “idea density”, which basically means many ideas in relatively few words. Both are rare in SAT essays and are required for high scores.</p>

<p>By way of contrast, lower scoring essays usually have development that looks like the following:</p>

<p>Too many essays say, in effect, I have one idea. Here is an example of my one idea. Here is another example of my one idea. In conclusion, this is my one idea. </p>

<p>Another misuse of examples occurs when the writer says: My topic is about mistakes. Napoleon made a mistake. Now let me tell you all I know or can make up about Napoleon. </p>

<p>What they should say is: Here is my main idea. Here is an example that illustrates and explains more about that idea. Here is another example that adds even more consideration of other aspects of that idea.</p>

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<p>That seems really interesting. So it’s like,
Honesty is the best policy.
First example: First, my experiences with my parents illustrate how honesty should always influence your intentions, when I told them that I got an A but I really didn’t… etc
Second example: Another aspect of honesty being the best policy is through my friend Joe, who always thought that minute lies were good when you judge someone… etc
Third example: Furthermore, yet another aspect of honesty is through being honest with the rules. I always found loopholes to the roles that were oblivious with what the rules actually meant… etc.</p>

<p>Am I correct in how I’m interpreting that? Wow, it’s very interesting.</p>